Healing and progressing

We have a had a busy few weeks! I was gearing up to have a barrage of medical check-ups and go back to work and R has been trying to keep a leash on me! So, here is the latest update...

We went to see the surgeon last Friday. Of course there was the waiting room with oldies playing and all of the 'pain update' paperwork to fill out. They want to know all kinds of things like, how long can you sit in a chair before you start hurting, how long can you stand, drive, read, etc. They also check on the status of your personal care i.e. do you need help dressing, doing your hair, makeup, shoes. I laughed out loud because I haven't done my hair since the beginning of December and haven't worn makeup since November! On those two questions I put a big question mark and smiling face. ? :-)

Anyhow, when I finally got in to see him we chatted about how I am feeling and the activities I have been participating in. I haven't been doing much so it was a short conversation! He pulled out the two x-rays and studied them for a moment. He said "Huh..." Meanwhile I am sitting in a chair behind him freaking out! Huh... Huh? Huh, what? Huh, good or huh, bad? ACK! Finally he turns around and says "I am stumped." Being out of patience, I said 'Ok, Doctor B. You said 'huh...' and now you are stumped, which is great but it is my neck holding my head up, so spill it!' He said 'Hop up here on the table and I'll tell you while I check it out.'

I did as he requested and he proceeded to tell me that it appears that the front of the fusion, you remember, the one from last June, is starting to fuse. What?! Yes, starting to fuse after 10 months of no bone growth at all. He said "I have never seen anything like it. It is unheard of for a fusion that old to start healing. I can't explain it." I smiled! I can explain it - I got a blessing, many blessings actually, that are predicated on my faith, of which I have an abundance. I was instructed to study and learn the lessons that I need to learn from this experience and I have been doing so. - I should apologize for not sharing any more of my lessons, but they suddenly became very personal and precious. Being such, they were inappropriate for me to share on such a public forum. - So, great news; I am healing!

My incision goes from my hairline strait down about 4 inches and across the base of my neck/shoulders about 4 inches (like a big T). Then there is a hole the size of a pencil eraser, which is now closed, about 4 inches to the left of the base of the T. It is bright pink, as with most newly forming scars. I believe it will be a while before I am comfortable wearing my hair up in public.

I asked about work and he said no, not just no, but emphatically no! I am only 4-5 weeks out of surgery and I need to be 8-12 before the bones have healed enough to start being really active again. So, 6 more weeks. He wants a CAT Scan at that point and those results will enable him to better determine how fast I can increase my activities.

Check out my metal!



The original plate and 4 screws are in the middle, each side has a clamp, rod and 2 additional screws.
R likes to say I am much like a walking hardware store!
Yes - I did notice that they are crooked - but if you know me, you will know it is fitting!

Ready for even more great news?! I saw the vocal cord doc on Monday and he said that my vocal cords are 100% physically healed! Woohoo! Here is the only bad news of the entire situation over the last week... I saw the speech therapist for a check up and a battery of tests. I didn't pass so she wants to keep seeing me. We need to work on a few things and in time, I should be 100%. So bad news but not terrible! Part of my homework is to read out loud for 10-15 minutes each day. Today, Dozer and I lazed in bed and read a Nora Roberts book. Dozer loved it, he is such a romantic! Perhaps it was the tummy scratching, but I choose to believe he likes romance... I have been reading a lot, not just romance, but a nice variety of books. If you have any suggestions, let me know - I am always looking for new reads!!

I have also been doing some embroidery. I gifted a cute little heart to my Mom, now am working on a fantastic little piggy banner. I didn't take a photo of the first one but I will take a photo of the piggies when it is done!

JoAnn's had a sale a few weeks ago and R took me down to browse. I picked out a pretty skirt pattern and he picked out some really nice tan fabric with embroidered fabric. May I just say that he has some very expensive taste?! I am too scared to even take it out of the bag to wash it! I imagine I will be doing just that over the next few days since I need to have it done by April and I haven't sewn anything in years. I did get the machine out and it works well. I've been practicing on a pillowcase doll that I made for, Jasmine, R's little sister's baptism in May. When I get that done, I will post a photo! I want to wear the skirt to Mom's Easter singing program. They started practicing last weekend; there are 160 people in the choir and they sing like angels! I am still hoping to get some photos and a video when they perform. I would really like to make a new outfit for Jasmine's baptism in May. The question is - skirt or dress? plain or floral? Bright or subdued?

We joined Facebook last August; the peer pressure was too great to resist! It is a neat tool for keeping in touch but I still find it odd how some people use it like a journal. There are some things that you should not share with hundreds of people... We share, but as on here, we are very selective in what we share. It is fascinating none the less!

We have had a few 'almost' adoption situations over the past month - 4 to be exact. As frustrating as it can be, we are still trying to be patient and calm. Everything in God's time, not mine. Our Birth parents are out there and we will be reunited at some point. We have been chosen and then rejected, almost chosen and had an opportunity slip through our fingers due to technicalities. Through it all, we know that all of these things have happened for the same reason - it was not meant to be. Those situations were never meant to be ours. We continue to serve through Colorado FSA and I actually got to write a blog post on February 15th!

Eli - Adoption Placement Success

One of my childhood friends from California, we will call her  CC, was recently matched with her birth mother. She has given permission to share her story here, although some things will be generalized, some will be left out and the agency name will not be shared, everything else is her story.

From CC
"I feel almost self conscious about sharing our joy when I know it can be agonizing waiting for something to happen when you are trying to have a baby or waiting to adopt. Please know that we love you and are praying for all of you that you will be reunited with your birth mother and child soon.

We knew that it would be next to impossible for me to conceive and after confirming that with the specialists we opted for adoption rather than going the route of an egg donor and surrogate. I did a lot of research online about adoption agencies, facilitators, attorneys, etc and we eventually ended up with Adoption Agency XYZ (an adoption facilitator). We chose them because they limit the number of couples they work with to 10-15 at a time and are located within a series of women’s health clinics where abortions are performed and adoption is offered as an alternative to all patients. Their fees were also the most reasonable. We just felt that it was the right “fit” for us.

They pretty much only do “open” adoptions and I’m told that most are open these days. We were told that the typical wait time to be matched through our agency is roughly 7 months if you’re not too specific on the criteria of what you are willing to accept in an infant/situation. I can also say that after we signed with them I personally learned of two other couples here in our town that also used XYZ and they had good experiences with them. XYZ doesn’t normally work with out of state couples, but they do have one out of state couple right now. The most important choice is finding the agency that is right for you. You will know when you find it and it will feel right. We knew right away that this agency was right for us and that we would be chosen and our child placed with us.

We did a lot of research on what other couple used in their photo profile books and Dear Birth mother Letters as well as looked at hundreds of websites to help design our photo profile and narrative (questionnaire responses). Most of their couples don’t use websites and only have very informal homemade photo profiles or photo books from an online photo site like Shutterfly.com, etc. The Birth mother letter is the hardest thing to try to write.

We “joined” as “members” in early July of this year and got “the call” that we had been chosen by a birth couple roughly six weeks later. We met with the birth mother on August 30th. We all decided it was a good “match” on September 3rd. We were fortunate that our match was a birth couple with the father present and cooperative. The baby was due November 20th. Our couple was a boyfriend/girlfriend that were both 19 and college students, both living at home with their respective parents, no drug use or major health issues. I know you believe in God and are very faithful, but we’re not really religious but had “put it out there to the universe” that we would really like a couple of healthy Caucasian college students. But we had also told the adoption facilitator that we would take almost any situation and would be fine with a biracial baby - which we were told kept the doors much wider open for us.

Being a type A personality there were many times that I wished things were more certain along the way but also realized that I had to just go with the flow if I wanted things to work out. Our birth father had no phone and birth mother was not very good about returning calls to the facilitator but was somewhat good about returning texts to me. I attended one Dr’s appointment after we met initially with the birth mother and then I met with the mother and father once just me and then once all of us to go over the “hospital plan” and post placement plan for future contact, etc. I also arranged for the birth parents and me to attend a private childbirth class the same day. I did have minimal phone contact with the mother every couple of weeks until near the end and then weekly contact.

We got the call at 11 pm on Friday, November 12th that her water had broken and we hurried to pack our bags and make the 3 hour drive to Grass Valley. She was in labor for 29 hrs. It was exhausting as we had no sleep for four days. After Eli was born the hospital gave us a room so we could stay with him. I didn’t let him out of my sight. The hospital was great. According to the adoption facilitator our situation was not “typical” with how little contact the birth mother maintained with the facilitator and that we spent considerable time with the birth parents and the birth mother's family including her parents, sister and aunt while we were at the hospital. They also spent hours in our room with us and the baby. We really feel that we have probably adopted an entire family, not just Eli.

I’m not sure how the process works in your state, but in California going with a facilitator is very different than using an agency. If you use an agency you do the “Home Study” before you can be put on the list to be considered for placement. If you use a facilitator and do an Independent Adoption, the baby is placed with you and then the “Home Study” process starts. Also with a facilitator and an Independent Adoption the birth mother has 30 days to change her mind and take the baby back.

We have been very fortunate from the very start and I am often afraid that something will go bad as it’s been so amazingly perfect, but I just hope that this is our miracle and everything will work out just fine. Baby Eli is perfect - He is eating well and growing fast. I’m not getting much sleep, but I know that comes with the whole package. Our 30 days wont be up until December 20th so I just keep my fingers crossed and pray it all goes well. Our “Home Study” and Court process should take 6 months to a year to complete.
I know that some couples wait years and I know we have been very lucky. I have spoken with other adoptive couples and have faith that your time will come. Some don’t ever get matched and just get the call once the baby’s been born. You may have some notice or none at all. Just be as open as you can and continue to spread the word and your miracle is surely on its way.  You two are wonderful and your child and birth mother is out there somewhere, be patient and know that in time it will all happen"

We are so happy for CC and look forward to visiting her new boy in January!

The 'Specialist'

Sounds like the title to a bad horror flick! I went into see the 'Specialist' this morning. He was a very pleasant fellow who stuck a tube (with camera) up my nose and down my throat to take a look-see. I have had a great many medical procedures in my day but none quite as disturbing as looking at the inside of my nose... GROSS! Nobody should ever be subject to that, and it isn't like they give you notice to blow and clean up a bit - they just spray the numbing medicine and whip out the tube!

Long story short - I have right side vocal cord paralysis from my gentle surgeon mashing my delicate neck back and forth. Doc says my voice should come back in 1-3 months and until that time, I will have the great pleasure of choking on my food and water and sounding like Mickey Mouse. They are ordering speech and swallow therapy to help me get through the next 2 months and I follow up the beginning of August.

I hope, hope, hope it doesn't really take that long. I mean, I can't talk! I can't holler, I can't yell. Do you know how hard it is to scold a dog while not laughing because I sound like a pissy Mickey?! It is really ruining my reputation around the house.

One more thing - the sensation that I am being choked - the pressure... he said it will take another 2 weeks for that to go away and it is just from surgery. I suppose of the two issues, this bothers me the most because it is anxiety forming. 2 weeks - I can do anything for 2 weeks.

******

7/1/10 - update! Went to the doctor yesterday and was told that I have 2 more weeks off. They don't want me going back to work until the breathing is better and swelling has gone down. So at this point, I am crossing my fingers for a return to work on 7/19.

*****

We are so excited to hear that our dear friends M&M are going to be able to take their little Ben to the temple soon. What a wonderful blessing. I was thinking the other day, after reading her post - people who have children naturally do not get this extra opportunity in the House of the Lord. Just another one of the many, many reasons adoption is such a special path to follow.

We look forward to meeting our Birth Mother than will allow us to take our child to the temple to be sealed for eternity. Where ever you are, what ever you are doing, please know that we are praying for you and thinking about you on a daily basis. Some way and some how we will find each other and your gift will complete our family.

*****

Final Interview Day!

Today was our final interview day. We have one step left to approval; CORE training. We should be attending CORE training, signing our paperwork and active on July 9th. But today, today was 'the interview', you know the one where you answer questions about your past and relationships separately and confidentially... Well, after 13 years of marriage - we already knew each others answers. But it was still an interesting experience to go through again. Again, you ask - well yes, again. Read on.

We left early, stopped for doughnuts in Greeley and drove leisurely down to the LDS FS office. We arrived early intending to go to the cannery to load up on sugar and flour. We had everything filled out only to find that they are closed on Fridays! Ah, darn. We decided that we will stop by again on our way back from Arizona in a few weeks.

As we sat in the shade of the trees in the parking lot, we chatted about what we were expecting the interview to be like, what they might ask, how we felt about it. We watched K, our case worker, pull in, unload his car, reload a car, buzz around front, run inside. I commented to R that he seemed to be very over worked. He is always in a meeting, on the phone, out doing a visit, getting back from a visit. Seems like he just goes and goes and goes. I pondered out loud, “I wonder if he likes his job. I know he gets paid, I wonder if the fulfillment of making eternal families everyday makes up for all of the stress.” R assured me that K must be one of the most blessed people we will ever know. He, for a living, gets to help families come together, for eternity. Can you imagine? What an amazing thing to behold once, but to be part of and behold it again and again. I am in awe of K and his dedication to his job, beliefs and the eternal principles that we hold near and dear to our own hearts. K's sweet personality and strong testimony of the truth of what he does permeates everything around him. We feel comforted just being near him and having him help us through this process.

We met with K, finished our paperwork and went through our interviews. It was painless and actually pleasant. K helps make this process comfortable. People keep asking me how the paperwork is going and I keep saying that it is fine. They ask if we have questions, no – not really. It is funny because when I started working in Law Enforcement R and I both had to go through intense interviews, they dug into our past – deep, deep into our pasts – and I did a polygraph test, twice. Compared to that, this process is peachy! There is nothing in our past that has not already been dug through and sifted, held to light and examined. We are comfortable with who we are, the paths that have taken us to the place we stand today. We stand together, as one, united and together walk our path in life; we walk together through all things. We are very at peace with this process and our present place; we receive daily verification that we are on the right path, that there is a Birth Mother out there, somewhere for us, that we will be re-united and will be able to start our family with her help.

We left the city, did some grocery shopping and came home. I was a bit swollen when we got back, so I went to lie down. Our dear neighbors (I use the word neighbor loosely), brought us dinner. I cried – they are so thoughtful and helpful to us over the past weeks. Our neighbors, Sandy and Dan Carter live about 4 miles east and 5 miles south of us on 100 acres. They are just on the other side of ‘town’. As members of the church who share the same values and lifestyle we do, they are a blessing to us. We are learning from them and them from us. I cried from their honest care and concern for us. I cried from their ability to know we needed their help and their ability to hear and heed the spirit. We are so blessed.

The new addition!

Just a quick note to say "Yay!! Our new baby nephew is here!"

H & A had their fourth child this week; Davin born on Wednesday will be coming home tomorrow. I vaguely remember Grandma saying that he was 20 something inches and 7 pounds 3 ounces give or take - healthy and whole was more my focus! Grandma is helping with the other two kiddos until H & A can settle in with the new little guy. He is so cute and I am anxiously awaiting permission to post one photo!

The road we travel

I have been home since Sunday night and the reality of the surgery didn't start to hit me until today. My neck and back pain is gone and has been replaced by a plate and 2 screws! My pain has also been temporarily replaced by foggy drug brain and choking but the pain is less, no more tingling fingers.

Overall, surgery went well and I am glad to be home. I was released 2 days later than originally anticipated and had some unforeseen complications. When the doctor came in on Sunday and told me they were going to keep me until Monday, I revolted! No way! I am done, I am leaving, just tell me what I need to do and I will do it... After a hard push on Sunday and a battery of tests, some pleading and begging on my part, I was released late in the day and able to come sleep in my own house with my animals and the smell of fresh healing country air. I am happy to be home and be back to living my life on my schedule and according to my timeline. It was hard to be gone from home for 2 extra days, extra unplanned days! My Family came to bat with the chores and endless things that needed to be done while I was out.

I started taking over some of my chores today, mainly the milking. I hadn't realized how much I enjoy the time outside, doing things around the house and for the animals. I also didn't realize how many chores there are! We are taking it slowly but are making it work. I am getting up a bit more each day, but like I said, taking it slowly. I have a new pain in the back of my neck, not sure what it is related to but trying not to aggravate it. I figure it must be part of the healing process. I'll take it easier tomorrow and maybe, just maybe I can talk the man into treating me to a short drive to town.

My time in the hospital gave me ample time to reflect on the many blessings I have. On the many ways Heavenly Father has prepared me to be in here, in this position at this time. The way that all of our small travels have gotten us down this road to recovery; not only physical but spiritual and emotional as well. We have come to know in our heart of hearts that we are blessed, blessed to be together and blessed to be living where and how we do. I am over taken by tears when I think of each individual trial, all of our losses and successes that have brought us here. We are on the correct path and only need to follow the road to the end. Endure, that is the final part of the puzzle. Who knew one word could hold so much power...

*****
Adoption:
We had our home visit today. Kelly, our case worker, came by to take a look around the place and chat with us a bit. I had not realized how stressed out I was about having someone come into my home and judge me. I know he isn't 'judging' me per-se and he has done tons of these visits but I wonder what specifically catches his eye and what specifically does he take note of. I wonder what crossed his mind when he realized that he was in the middle of nowhere but not far from town. I know without a doubt that Kelly is called of God to be a Case Worker and that he has been blessed with powers of observation to help make Heavenly Father's families reunite.

I wonder; does he have a sense of the match that will be made? Does he know in some part of his being what type of Birth Family will be attracted to each couple? I wonder how much his job weighs on his mind and how he copes with the excitement and release on a regular basis. We are blessed to be working with Kelly and are grateful for his expertise.

It is funny, we didn't frantically clean or put things away. After just coming home from the hospital the place was a bit rough around the edges compared to how it might normally be, but this is reality! I am glad Kelly was able to look past the cluttered counters and hopefully see the Family we are trying to build. We feel blessed to have met and be working with Kelly. He is an inspiring spirit and a fountain of wisdom. We are humbled that he even considers us worthy to take part in an adoption.

It seems as though we are surrounded by people who just delivered, are pregnant, have just received their placement or will be adopting in the next 2 months. I am thrilled for all of them and wish them the best. It is truly exciting to see so many families being started and completed through this miracle of adoption and at the hand of Heavenly Father and Kelly. We will continue to have faith that Heavenly Father will bless us with our child at the right time and when we are sufficiently prepared. I have faith - I must have faith, for without faith, there can be no hope.

*****
Website:
We have gotten some questions about our website that I thought I would share. Our website is coming along, although not quite on the timeline we expected. Somehow that doesn't surprise me or bother me. It seems as though nothing in our lives travel the anticipated time lines we have set.

Our website will encompass many areas, only one of which is adoption. We already have our blog and very soon will have our profile posted on the LDSFS website. We want Birth Mothers to know as much about us as possible and what a better way then a few pages on a website?! Yes, our profile will be up on LDSFS but we are limited in how much we can share and it can be overwhelming to view so many profiles and blogs while contemplating adoption.

We talk about adoption in our blog but our blog is mainly to share the goings on in our daily lives with friends and family who live far away and want to know about our latest adventure - it also saves me a ton of time in email! The Adoption portion of the website will only be geared towards sharing about us, our lives and families as a Birth Mother would like to know. Don't get me wrong, I want to get our names and information out there so our Mother will be able to find us but we are also private people and like to keep things of our lives private. I cannot imagine handing out business cards and putting magnets on my truck advertising our adoption intent. Dearest Birth Mother, where ever you are, I hope and pray that we will meet soon!

Secondly, we live on a ranch and have Purebred goats that we sell each year. Our website will assist us in selling these animals and will open new opportunities for breeding that may not otherwise be available. Gunner is a stud colt who may or may not remain intact. If we choose not to geld him, we will use the website to promote his stud services.

We also have a "Country Life' Section (this might be the part that I am most excited about!). It will cover gardening, food storage, self sufficiency, our animals, crafts, sewing, recipes, cooking, photography and just general suggestions shared from us and our readers to help teach skills and crafts that will enable one to engage in a self sufficient life and making the most of what you have. We are excited to have this portion of the website dedicated to a lifestyle that we are coming to embrace and so many others want to share.

Through it all

With all of the animals we have, it seems that one or two are always hurt, sick, or otherwise suffering from some ailment or other.

This the the story over the last few weeks/months:
Sky is still blind; in case you were not aware, glaucoma is not reversible. So she gets eye drops twice daily and blood pressure pill and fish oil in the evening. Being that she is only 6, we have many years to perfect our pill giving and eye dropping. One thing in Sky's credit - she is a whole lot easier to treat than Bella was when she tore her eye lid 4 years ago. Perhaps it has something to do with the 45pound dog vs. 1500 pound horse thing... Hmmm, good food for thought!

Dozer went in to the vet 2 weeks ago for a bad tummy rash. They determined that he is allergic to 'something'. Whatever that something is has yet to be determined. He was on antibiotics and benadryl three times a day for a week. The infection part of the rash is gone but he still has a rash. So Dozer gets benadryl twice daily; not that he minds daily hot dogs or cheese slices. He is up to 56.6 pounds at 2 years old. I hope he stops growing soon, but the vet said to expect another 10-15 pounds. Note to self - start working out again, specifically weight lifting!

Shigom went into the vet 4 months ago after Dozer ran into her and badly bruised her shoulder. Then Max attacked her - Yes, the horse attacked the dog! It was horrible and hences I must share my horror... I had fed Max (grain and hay) and Shigom was sneaking in the stall to eat the grain while I was brushing him. Well, he was occupied and 'Mom' was near so he was minding his manners and being the sweet 2000 pound baby I know him to be. I finished what I was doing and turned to leave. Shigom made one last attempt for a bite and Max reared up and tried to stomp on her. Luckily he missed and just knocked her over. Next thing I knew he had her in his mouth and threw her 6 feet into the air and slammed her against the barn wall. I screamed to distract Max and Shigom was yowling - a sound I have never heard before. I ran in (in hind sight that was not the smartest thing I could do but... Shigom is my sweet, sweet girl) I got Shigom out and we locked the other dogs in the unused goat pen so I could assess the damage. I fully expected a broken back, missing flesh and lots of blood. I prayed from the moment I screamed "God, please let my dog be OK, please let my dog be OK." It was the prayer of a desperate child and that is exactly how I felt. It is nothing short of a miracle and I, still today, stand all amazed - not a mark on her, no broken bones, no blood just a bruise and some swelling. Her limp went away after a few days and then of course, Dozer ran into her again (he is a bit clumsy - think of a bull dozer turning - now you know how he got his name). Now, she is limping again so she gets a pain pill once a day.

Bella punctured her inner thigh and has edema under her belly from getting struck. What happened, you ask? She stepped on a pitch fork and the the handle hit her belly and the tine of the fork punctured her thigh. So the vet came out last night to check her over. $171 later she is fine, a bit sore and getting a betadine rinse twice a day.

We vaccinated all three horses yesterday (this is when we discovered Bella's issue). We checked on them this morning and everyone was fine. Tonight, just in time for dinner, Max started having issues. He was showing neurological issues (stumbling, twitching, eyes rolling, heavy breathing). Luckily he was only having a reaction to the West Nile vaccine and not a major issue. I called our wonderful the vet yet again and we did a phone consult. With hot packs and banamine and butte he pulled out of it just fine.

Where am I headed with all of these part stories? I should have gone to vet school the way I wanted to when I was 11. I may not make any money but I sure would have saved a dollar or two! We are faced with endless crisis and endless worry and endless love for our animals. Through it all - we pray.

*****
We talked yesterday about how being too busy to ride and that perhaps we should sell the horses. We both just looked at each other for a moment to two and then burst out laughing. Knowing us, that is the most ridiculous idea I have ever come up with. Not quite as bad as moving to Alaska, but close. We have recommitted ourselves to living the life we want, kids or not. We live on a farm because we love the space and privacy. There is always something to do (chores) and we enjoy working on building our dream. These are some of the reasons I love our place. This is the land of my heart and the haven of my soul. Through it all - we pray




















Our second adoption interview was cancelled due to a baby being born and placement taking place. At first I was disappointed and heart broken to be pushed into the back seat yet again. But after a family consultation I realized that it is a wonderful thing; how could I have been so selfish as to miss it?! Someone is being reunited with their child! Somewhere two families are becoming one to raise and care for a chosen child of God.

I know our time will come and we will have our time to be that couple. We want so desperately to be parents and to raise and love a child. I hope that our Birth Mother is preparing and realizing that there is a plan for us, someday we will meet and renew a friendship that started long before these present moments. I am so humbled that adoption is a process that we are able to go through and that some way, some how, we will be chosen to be parents to a very special child. I hope our Birth Mother knows that we pray for her daily, even now when our placement is so far off and our paper work is not complete - we pray. Through it all - we pray.

Where ever you are, what ever your circumstance, we love you and will love you the best way we know how. Through it all - we pray

Our petting zoo and little boys

I work with a brilliant engineer named Randy; we share a cube wall. He has three grown kids and two grandsons. Whenever his grandsons come to the office with him, you will find them in my cube talking about animals, trees, bugs and other such interesting things that little boys enjoy. Nick is 5 and Nathan is 2.

On a whim, invited Randy to bring his grandsons out to our place to feed the baby goats and play with the horses. He called on Saturday afternoon and brought the boys out with their dad, Jake, and aunt, Katie, (Randy's son and daughter).

While they were here, out neighbor to the south was doing some target practice and one of the Guardians came over to say hello. He is the big white dog in the photo and his name is Rock. I thought I would share some of my favorite photos from their visit.

I had a great time with the kids and it reminded me of our babies, all four that we have lost. Our sweet twins, I miss them so much but I am grateful for the time we had with them and the lessons we have learned since their loss. We are traveling on a path that we may not have found otherwise.

Watching these little boys renews my faith that Heavenly Father has a child waiting for us and a Birth Mother who we know from another place in time. I know that some way, some how, we will find each other and be able to start our own family through the miracle of adoption. I pray that we will be connected and be able to recognize each other.

It does my heart good to be around little children and to be reminded of their unconditional love and their thirst for knowledge.

Babies, babies, babies!

Both Lilly and Lacey had their kids this weekend!

Lacey had twins; Midnight Lace and Chantilly Lace. Lilly had a single doeling; Dawn Lilly. We are so lucky and they are so cute.


Stout Ranch Midnight Lace




















Stout Ranch Chantilly Lace




















Stout Ranch Dawn Lilly




















We have already sold all three to a wonderful family in Sterling who will be picking them up in 4 weeks. The Dill Family has small children who want to bottle feed the babies and can't wait until school is out so they can start.

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It feels strange to be giving them up when we have spent the last 5 months bonding to them and watching them grow inside their mothers; to witness their births and feed them and cuddle them for the next 4 weeks. It will be a sad and joyous day when they go to their new homes. I have faith that they will be well cared for and that this is the right choice to make. We can't keep them and they will have a wonderful home. As small as this heartache is for us, it provides a small taste of what Birth Mothers must go through. I have so much love and respect for the Mother who will someday choose us to raise and parent her child.

He Lives

Occasionally the Church sends out new messages to spread the word. We enjoy these messages even as members; they are a great way for us to shore up our testimonies and remember why we are here and why we are doing the things that we are doing.


Watch a new Mormon Messages video, "He Lives " to see and hear modern-day Apostles testify that Jesus Christ is the Savior and that He lives today.

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Our first adoption meeting is scheduled for the end of the month. I am nervous. All of a sudden I am having insecurities pop up that I was not aware I had; What if they don't like us? What if we live too far out of town? What if... What if... I have to keep reminding myself that we are guided on this path and that we receive daily promptings that this is the path we are to follow. Our faith will sustain us. We know there is a Mother and Child out there for us and that some how, some time we will find each other.

Our baby goats are due in 2 weeks! It is getting closer and my excitement is growing. what kind of babies will we have? What will they look like and what will their personalities be?! I am so excited! (remind me that I said that when I am complaining of lack of sleep!

Patience is a virtue

What a week! We went from the high 60s to the 20s over the span of a couple of days. I can tell; spring is on the way. The horses are starting to shed - it will be a very hairy spring around the Stout Ranch. We have one month left until kidding season; we bred both does and have bets going to see how many of what we will get. Robert is betting (hoping really) for 2 bucklings. That way we can take them to auction and our herd will not increase! I am betting (hoping really) for 3 babies; 2 doelings and one buckling. I would like to have more options for the does we keep. At this point there are too many variables to guess and making plans seems like a waste of time and energy. We will find out on April 24th! We are still having to be patient - since we have been waiting since November, I think we are doing splendidly!

We planted our seeds for the garden two weeks ago. We start them indoors during early March when it is too cold to put them outside. They will continue to grow in pots on the breakfast table until mid-May when it will be warm enough to put them outside. It is so fun to watch them pop up; small and fragile, struggling towards the light. In mere days they are 2-3 inches tall with big beautiful leaves. Last year, not knowing what I was doings, I over planted on some things and under planted on others. This year, I have a nice variety of everything and if all goes well with the hail and wind, we should have a nice harvest!

I was sitting here watching my seeds and thinking that they could be compared to the parable of the mustard seed and our struggle to increase our faith and share the Gospel. But as I sit here watching these tiny seeds that I planted a few short weeks ago struggle to live and grow I am reminded of our personal seeds and our personal struggles; how we can help each other's seeds to grow and thrive just by being more tolerant and understanding. We each face different struggles as couples and as individuals. We, each of us, has within us a tiny seed that struggles to live and grow and thrive. I don't know your struggles, just as you don't know mine. I also don't know the struggles of the rude man in the grocery line or the lady that cut me off on the freeway. But when I take the time to remember that we each have our own private impurities, challenges and struggles, it makes the small offences of another seem even smaller. How much easier is it then to forgive and uplift each other?!

Empathy by Kelly Miller

When empathy is learned
Our heart to another is turned
As births buds of charity
That we can comfort with clarity

From our own pain we see
And feel with deepened depth
Such that it is the seed
Of love's flower we'll not forget

It seems that all is moving very slowly on the adoption front. We turned in packet 3 almost one month ago and so far, not a word from the Case Worker or even the support staff. I suppose they are very busy and I like to imagine them working fervently on our paperwork round the clock! The reality is that there are several couples in line ahead of us and we will be learning the virtue of patience. Patience will become a dear friend by the time this is all said and done, I just hope I have enough patience to enjoy the ride.

We were talking about the process the other night and we realized (again) that it doesn't really matter how long it takes, our dear child and his/her Mother will be ready and waiting for us when the time is right. We keep having this same epiphany each time we start to get worked up about it. This is our constant struggle, our thought to keep in perspective, our seed that needs to be nurtured...

The Refiner of Silver

This journey of grief and healing is a private journey; a mountain that I must climb to find true healing and acceptance. Strange as it may sound, I find comfort in knowing that the hill is mine, and only mine to climb. I get to do it at my pace, however I see fit.

Some days I walk through a sunlit forest path. The walking is easy and my burden is light. I know I have traveled far but I am not weary from the journey. The sun warms my skin and the shade cools my brow. I am comforted in knowing that we will see our dear babies again someday; I find sweet joy in the confidence that somewhere out there, our next baby awaits his or her turn to come into our arms, that his or her mother is making choices that will allow that to happen.


On other days I stand surrounded by the mists of despair and look up to the top of the mountain; the things I have yet to feel and overcome; the path that must be followed to be able to embrace our awaiting child with open arms and hearts, and the path seems too much to bear. I feel unworthy and unable to continue. It is these times that I try to remember a few things.



1. The Spirit has guided us to this path toward adoption. We feel the Spirit prompting us each step of the way.

2. He holds us in the palm of his hand, we are not forgotten. He is aware of each thought, each hope and each second of despair. He knows me perfectly and He loves me perfectly. I feel His concern and awareness of me on such an intimate level.

3. Elder Maxwell said it best: "To go to the very edge is possible, of course, only when we believe in an omniscient and omnipotent God. When we understand that all things are present before His eyes and that He knows all things past, present, and future, then we can trust ourselves to Him as we clearly could not to a less than omniscient god who is off somewhere in the firmament doing further research."


Our Missionaries came for dinner last week and Elder Horner shared the following story.
The Refiner of Silver

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire.

If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my reflection in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His reflection in you.