A Debt Paid

In Jerry Bridges' book The Gospel for Real Life it states the following:

“The purpose of this book is to explore those unsearchable riches. To appreciate them, however, we need to look briefly at our sinful condition. Though we live in a time when people don’t like to talk about sin, only those who understand to some degree the enormity of their spiritual debt can begin to appreciate what Christ did for them at the cross. Without some heartfelt conviction of our sin, we can have no serious feeling of personal interest in the gospel. What’s more, this conviction should actually grow throughout our Christian lives. In fact, one sign of spiritual growth is an increased awareness of our sinfulness.”

I recently met an elderly man who would cry whenever he would hear the name of Jesus. I have been thinking about that a lot lately; mainly because I am not there, not even close. It strikes me that perhaps one of the reasons he would cry upon hearing our Lords name is that he had a great understanding of his own sinfulness and therefore a greater appreciation for what Jesus did for him. As I was reflecting upon that this morning God brought to my mind the story found in Luke 7:36-49. I encourage you to read the entire story and associated parable but it is summarized by Jesus in 44-47:

Luke 7:44 And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.
7:45 Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss my feet.
7:46 My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment.
7:47 Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.

The fact is that I not been “forgiven little” I have been forgiven much – all of us have! Unlike this woman I do not yet comprehend the enormity of my spiritual debt that Jesus paid for me.

John Piper states that we will never fully comprehend the depth of our sinfulness but as we grow spiritually we can gain a greater understanding of it. By God’s grace may he reveal to us more and more how great a debt He paid for us and thereby causing us to truly treasure Jesus above all things!

The gospel tells us that Jesus Christ paid our debt, but it also tells us far more. It tells us that we are not enemies or objects of His wrath. We are His sons and daughters, heirs with Jesus Christ of all His unsearchable riches. This is the good news of the gospel. This is why the women in the story wept and the elderly man cried. We need to remember this every day.

_____________________________________________________


A few weeks ago we got an email from someone we do not know but her words touched our hearts and we feel compelled to share.

We will call her E, we consider her a new friend and she has a dear and sweet spirit. I feel as though I have known her for a long time, her words and the spirit in which they were delivered feel so familiar.

She read our blog and said "Sometimes you don’t realize how far you have come until someone points out that progress, or perhaps you see that progress in another." To know that someone reads this blog makes me smile. To know that this blog touches some one's heart makes me cry and increases my faith that we are indeed on the correct path. I find great peace in the fact that there are others who fins our story to be similar to their own, who struggle our struggles and tread our same path.

I wrote back to E something along these lines: It has been a long hard road and we are still traveling; but each day, week, month and year we grow a bit more, learn a bit more and find our way down the path just a bit more. We get so caught up in how far we have to go that we don’t take the time to look back to see how far we have come. On our blog at one point earlier this year, (February maybe) I remember talking about the road and two different feelings; having come so far on a quiet road vs. not being able to see the path through the mist.

I often forget how far we have come and yet at times it seems like we are back at the beginning again. *like a yo-yo* I believe this all part of the plan to keep us moving forward, if you think you are getting close to being done, you must be reminded of how long eternity is and how the road can change! And that is how we receive the blessing of new challenges! *The blessing of new challenges; 2 years ago those words would not ever be used in the same sentence. I truly believe that by trials and endurance, we grow and gain faith. It is through that new faith that we are blessed. *

Anyhow, it was nice to know someone reads our blog! E, thank you for your kind words!

Karl Creations

If you don't know Paschal Karl, you should; he is fantastic. He, his wife and dog live in South Dakota and travel to different areas doing photography.

Yes, he will travel to your place, he went all the way down to Kentucky. There is no travel fee, sitting fee or time limit. You only pay for the photos you want and you are NOT buying 'a' photo like most places, you are buying the copyright to the image so you can use it as much as you want. Super deal and great value for the price! Do I sound like a commercial?! No catch, no tricks, just great photography.

How in the world did I find him? Through an endurance riding site for our region. It mentioned that he would be making a trip through Colorado to do photos and to contact him if anyone was interested. Being married for over 13 years with no professional photos, I thought this would be a good opportunity to get some shots and to see what sticks.

He came out and spent about 4 hours at the house, took 118 photos and helped us pick the ones we like best. Here is his website Karl Creations!

The path to the end

After yet another trial, we seek peace and confidence in the path that the Lord has set before us.

I am reminded by my dear friend S, that we do have children; we have six, they are just not with us here on earth. They wait for us in heaven. The hardest trial is yet to come; being faithful and worthy to the end so that we will be able to see them, love them and be joined with them once again.

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering...
~William Wordsworth

I cry for my babies. I cry with gratitude for the opportunity endure to the end and to hold my precious babies again.

It has been 5 years since Dad passed away and while it has gotten easier to bear, the pain can often be sharp and piercing. I am so grateful for our forever family and for the opportunity to be sealed together. The comfort of knowing that we will be together again lessens and pain and dulls the ache.

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say "Goodbye".
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you -
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times
life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today~
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay.
~Author Unknown

Enduring to the end, or remaining faithful to the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ throughout life, is a fundamental requirement for salvation in the kingdom of God. "But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved." Matthew 24:13

LDS.org - Ensign Article - “Behold, We Count Them Happy Which Endure”

And we made it home...

Oh gosh, so much has happened in the last week I hardly know where to start!

Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you read you begin with A-B-C
When you sing you begin with do-re-mi

The beginning. We finished our chores last Thursday and then did all of the extra things to prepare the farm for us to leave for a week. Yes, we went on vacation; our second in 13 years. That is actually misleading - we have gone on lots of vacations but all were to visit family or go back and help Mom and Dad with the ranch. Somehow digging a foundation under an already built house and hanging siding doesn't really count as vacation - but those are different stories for another time. This was a vacation - a real vacation - no family visiting or chores required!

My Uncle (Mom's Little Brother)- Gary pictured here...

has a fabulous vacation in Scottsdale, Arizona. We are talking 3 bedroom, pool, misting system, big screen... Paradise. We went for a week in February 2007 (before the Ranch) and it became our favorite place to go for rest and relaxation. Anyhow, Gary was gracious enough to allow us to use the house again, free of charge for a week.

R and I had this summary of a conversation on Thursday night. Me: What time do you want to leave in the morning? R: 5, I'll set the alarm for 4. Me: Are you nuts?! We are on vacation and you want to get up at our normal time set the alarm and I will get up. You can drive first! R: OK.

Fast forward to 2:00 on Friday morning. I wake up with excruciating pain in my ankles. It literally feels like some one is stabbing my ankles with a knife. Mind you - I quit taking the steroids on Tuesday. I tapered off like I was supposed to, but instead of tapering off over 1 week and quitting, I did 2 days and quit. Who knew? OK, so the doctor probably knew, but I didn't.

So, I am awake, groaning in pain on the couch in the living room, trying to be quiet so we can leave in 3 hours. R woke up and came in - we decided a hot pad might help and the couch was making my neck hurt. More pain pills and back to bed. 3:30 I am up in the living room again, but on the floor this time. The alarm goes off at 4.

I can hear it and know the following is going on: R wakes up, thinks - crud, she was right, this is too early! 'Honey, turn it off and we will leave later. You were right.... Honey? Honey!' He turns off the alarm and finds me on the floor in the living room. You must realize that the pain is nerve pain, so rubbing stimulates the nerves, which cannot feel 2 sensations at once. So the rubbing my ankles blocks the stabbing pain and makes it feel better. I hobble into bed and we sleep until 6. At 6, he rubs my ankles again and we say our morning prayer. The pain leaves about 5 minutes after our prayer and we are on the road by 7.

I called the doctor when they opened and asked about the pain. Doc confirms it is nerve pain and I am probably over the worst. Probably - there is a comforting word... We say another prayer that 'probably' means 'absolutely' and continue on the drive.

We arrive in Scottsdale around 10pm, shower and fall into bed.

We spent Saturday - Tuesday afternoon at the house. We swam, slept, ate, watched TV, slept, swam, relaxed, talked, laughed and just plain enjoyed each other and the house. We are so blessed to have been married for 13 years, still in love and still enjoying each others company and humor.

We also went to IKEA. I love IKEA! We got everything on our list. Nothing super exciting for normal folks, but for us... Wonderful. New knives, pots and pans, silverware, pot holders, candles and candle holders, living room lights, lazy Susan, colander, picture for the master bath, duvet covers (one for winter and one for summer - now we have 4 choices! YAY!), a throw pillow and of course another cook book! Ah, heaven!

We also found all of the furniture we want for the nursery - I found everything for under $1,000! And it matches and it is new! I am so excited for the day that we can go back to IKEA and come home with a crib!

We left Tuesday morning and drove up the the Grand Canyon. We hiked and took photos, stayed the night and drove home Wednesday via the back way (over the Rockies). We went from 105* to 48* all in one day. It was funny, we stopped for dinner in Gennese and I had on shorts and a light shirt with flip-flops... It was raining and cold! I felt like a tourist! People kept looking at me oddly until they saw the truck and Colorado plates - then it registered - flat lander!

We got home about 8 and were able to visit with Mom. Yep, she was nice enough to watch the house and ranch for us while we played in Arizona. She fed, milked and watched out for everything. We are so grateful, I cannot express how much. You cannot know the feeling of leaving home and knowing that everything will be taken care of, that your possessions, animals and memories are in good hands and will be safe (it is possible that she spoils everyone more than we do). I am so glad that she was willing and able to stay at our place and keep track of all of our critters. With out her, we would not have been able to even go!

We spent today running errands, playing with horses, burning brush and relaxing. Tomorrow is the CORE training at LDS FS in Aurora and we will be approved for adoption! More on that later.

Saturday is hay day. Yay! *sigh* We should be getting about 100 bales to fill the barn but alas, I am still on my 10 pound restriction, so other than moral support, I cannot help load or unload. I hate being useless and not able to pull my fair share. Maybe I'll make a cake or something for R to make up for not being able to help.

We have been trading milk for eggs. Each week a neighbor (they live in Eaton) drives up and gets 2 gallons, in exchange, they give me 2 dozen eggs! If you have never had farm fresh eggs, please look on craigslist and find someone that sells them (usually about 2-3 dollars per dozen). Buy a dozen and if you are not hooked and in love, let me know and I will send you 3$! I turned to R and said: think of something that I can make for you to make up for not being able to help with hay. R; *wiggles eye brows* we have fresh eggs.. Me: yep. 2 dozen, she dropped them off today. R: enough for quiche? Me: *laughing* yes, I suppose so. R: Sweet! Problem solved and guilt gone! Yay! One of these days, our website will be up and I will share the quiche recipe!

Down the gauntlet of grief and pain

All of our most personal feelings are related in our journal as they are much to tender to be shared in such a public place. We are careful to share just a glimpse of our lives and nothing too personal so this post was almost not crated. I am not sure why I feel impressed to share, but I do. Until I feel differently, this post will remain.
We are passing through three expected due dates over the next week. Our lost babies from 1997 (girl), 2004 (boy) and our dear sweet twins.

We have been so busy with surgery, recovery, life and adoption that it feels as though this week snuck up on me. I knew it was on the way - I always know, it is carved into my heart. Yet, I am not prepared to say goodbye to my babies again – I need more time to prepare myself, to postpone. I do not want to pass our due date tomorrow with empty arms. I want my babies here with me, particularly when it seems as though everywhere I turn families are being made, carried, born and brought home.

There are so many websites, blogs, books and resources out there for one to 'recover' from grief. I suppose it is the word 'recover' that I take offense to. To recover implies that I am broken, ill, in need of fixing. I suppose that may be true in some sense; but it seems to be my reality that a part of me is broken but will never be fixed. These pieces need to be gently held, acknowledged and incorporated into who I am. I will never be the same person that I was before we lost our first two children. I will never be the same person I was before November 17th at 9:15 when we discovered the loss of our twins. I can only hope that the grief I carry, the grief that is mine alone to bare will allow me, in some way, some shape to become a stronger more faithful child of God. To cling to His promised atonement, love and principles of eternal families. That this grief will work into my being to allow me to become the person that I must be, the person He wants and needs me to be.

I have been keenly aware of Heavenly Father over the last few days. I can feel His gentle love surrounding my heart, padding my soul. There are some pains that are too hard to bear alone; saying goodbye to my children is one of them. He knows these things and He knows that it is by His will that we endure and arrive enlivened and stronger in spirit and faith than before.
Through my grief, I took special care today to spend some time outside. I viewed this world, our land, and our many blessings and tried to do so with an open mind to inspiration and love. I cannot express the comfort I receive from being outside. Nature, our home in particular has been a great source of comfort to me over the past 9 months. This is my refuge, my place of renewal.

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?" ~Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)

Though my heart breaks anew, I am promised that I will be able to hold and love my children someday. Heavenly Father is divine and knows my every need, my every care, and my every thought. He knows that this simple promise will be the one thing that can carry me thought this gauntlet of grief.
For those who are rejoicing, our hearts smile with you, we are so happy for you and your new families. For those who grieve, we know your deepest pain, we hear your heart and we send our love, our faith and our prayers that we will all find peace and comfort during the dark days, that the light will return and that we will meet on the other side to embrace it.

The road we travel

I have been home since Sunday night and the reality of the surgery didn't start to hit me until today. My neck and back pain is gone and has been replaced by a plate and 2 screws! My pain has also been temporarily replaced by foggy drug brain and choking but the pain is less, no more tingling fingers.

Overall, surgery went well and I am glad to be home. I was released 2 days later than originally anticipated and had some unforeseen complications. When the doctor came in on Sunday and told me they were going to keep me until Monday, I revolted! No way! I am done, I am leaving, just tell me what I need to do and I will do it... After a hard push on Sunday and a battery of tests, some pleading and begging on my part, I was released late in the day and able to come sleep in my own house with my animals and the smell of fresh healing country air. I am happy to be home and be back to living my life on my schedule and according to my timeline. It was hard to be gone from home for 2 extra days, extra unplanned days! My Family came to bat with the chores and endless things that needed to be done while I was out.

I started taking over some of my chores today, mainly the milking. I hadn't realized how much I enjoy the time outside, doing things around the house and for the animals. I also didn't realize how many chores there are! We are taking it slowly but are making it work. I am getting up a bit more each day, but like I said, taking it slowly. I have a new pain in the back of my neck, not sure what it is related to but trying not to aggravate it. I figure it must be part of the healing process. I'll take it easier tomorrow and maybe, just maybe I can talk the man into treating me to a short drive to town.

My time in the hospital gave me ample time to reflect on the many blessings I have. On the many ways Heavenly Father has prepared me to be in here, in this position at this time. The way that all of our small travels have gotten us down this road to recovery; not only physical but spiritual and emotional as well. We have come to know in our heart of hearts that we are blessed, blessed to be together and blessed to be living where and how we do. I am over taken by tears when I think of each individual trial, all of our losses and successes that have brought us here. We are on the correct path and only need to follow the road to the end. Endure, that is the final part of the puzzle. Who knew one word could hold so much power...

*****
Adoption:
We had our home visit today. Kelly, our case worker, came by to take a look around the place and chat with us a bit. I had not realized how stressed out I was about having someone come into my home and judge me. I know he isn't 'judging' me per-se and he has done tons of these visits but I wonder what specifically catches his eye and what specifically does he take note of. I wonder what crossed his mind when he realized that he was in the middle of nowhere but not far from town. I know without a doubt that Kelly is called of God to be a Case Worker and that he has been blessed with powers of observation to help make Heavenly Father's families reunite.

I wonder; does he have a sense of the match that will be made? Does he know in some part of his being what type of Birth Family will be attracted to each couple? I wonder how much his job weighs on his mind and how he copes with the excitement and release on a regular basis. We are blessed to be working with Kelly and are grateful for his expertise.

It is funny, we didn't frantically clean or put things away. After just coming home from the hospital the place was a bit rough around the edges compared to how it might normally be, but this is reality! I am glad Kelly was able to look past the cluttered counters and hopefully see the Family we are trying to build. We feel blessed to have met and be working with Kelly. He is an inspiring spirit and a fountain of wisdom. We are humbled that he even considers us worthy to take part in an adoption.

It seems as though we are surrounded by people who just delivered, are pregnant, have just received their placement or will be adopting in the next 2 months. I am thrilled for all of them and wish them the best. It is truly exciting to see so many families being started and completed through this miracle of adoption and at the hand of Heavenly Father and Kelly. We will continue to have faith that Heavenly Father will bless us with our child at the right time and when we are sufficiently prepared. I have faith - I must have faith, for without faith, there can be no hope.

*****
Website:
We have gotten some questions about our website that I thought I would share. Our website is coming along, although not quite on the timeline we expected. Somehow that doesn't surprise me or bother me. It seems as though nothing in our lives travel the anticipated time lines we have set.

Our website will encompass many areas, only one of which is adoption. We already have our blog and very soon will have our profile posted on the LDSFS website. We want Birth Mothers to know as much about us as possible and what a better way then a few pages on a website?! Yes, our profile will be up on LDSFS but we are limited in how much we can share and it can be overwhelming to view so many profiles and blogs while contemplating adoption.

We talk about adoption in our blog but our blog is mainly to share the goings on in our daily lives with friends and family who live far away and want to know about our latest adventure - it also saves me a ton of time in email! The Adoption portion of the website will only be geared towards sharing about us, our lives and families as a Birth Mother would like to know. Don't get me wrong, I want to get our names and information out there so our Mother will be able to find us but we are also private people and like to keep things of our lives private. I cannot imagine handing out business cards and putting magnets on my truck advertising our adoption intent. Dearest Birth Mother, where ever you are, I hope and pray that we will meet soon!

Secondly, we live on a ranch and have Purebred goats that we sell each year. Our website will assist us in selling these animals and will open new opportunities for breeding that may not otherwise be available. Gunner is a stud colt who may or may not remain intact. If we choose not to geld him, we will use the website to promote his stud services.

We also have a "Country Life' Section (this might be the part that I am most excited about!). It will cover gardening, food storage, self sufficiency, our animals, crafts, sewing, recipes, cooking, photography and just general suggestions shared from us and our readers to help teach skills and crafts that will enable one to engage in a self sufficient life and making the most of what you have. We are excited to have this portion of the website dedicated to a lifestyle that we are coming to embrace and so many others want to share.

Through it all

With all of the animals we have, it seems that one or two are always hurt, sick, or otherwise suffering from some ailment or other.

This the the story over the last few weeks/months:
Sky is still blind; in case you were not aware, glaucoma is not reversible. So she gets eye drops twice daily and blood pressure pill and fish oil in the evening. Being that she is only 6, we have many years to perfect our pill giving and eye dropping. One thing in Sky's credit - she is a whole lot easier to treat than Bella was when she tore her eye lid 4 years ago. Perhaps it has something to do with the 45pound dog vs. 1500 pound horse thing... Hmmm, good food for thought!

Dozer went in to the vet 2 weeks ago for a bad tummy rash. They determined that he is allergic to 'something'. Whatever that something is has yet to be determined. He was on antibiotics and benadryl three times a day for a week. The infection part of the rash is gone but he still has a rash. So Dozer gets benadryl twice daily; not that he minds daily hot dogs or cheese slices. He is up to 56.6 pounds at 2 years old. I hope he stops growing soon, but the vet said to expect another 10-15 pounds. Note to self - start working out again, specifically weight lifting!

Shigom went into the vet 4 months ago after Dozer ran into her and badly bruised her shoulder. Then Max attacked her - Yes, the horse attacked the dog! It was horrible and hences I must share my horror... I had fed Max (grain and hay) and Shigom was sneaking in the stall to eat the grain while I was brushing him. Well, he was occupied and 'Mom' was near so he was minding his manners and being the sweet 2000 pound baby I know him to be. I finished what I was doing and turned to leave. Shigom made one last attempt for a bite and Max reared up and tried to stomp on her. Luckily he missed and just knocked her over. Next thing I knew he had her in his mouth and threw her 6 feet into the air and slammed her against the barn wall. I screamed to distract Max and Shigom was yowling - a sound I have never heard before. I ran in (in hind sight that was not the smartest thing I could do but... Shigom is my sweet, sweet girl) I got Shigom out and we locked the other dogs in the unused goat pen so I could assess the damage. I fully expected a broken back, missing flesh and lots of blood. I prayed from the moment I screamed "God, please let my dog be OK, please let my dog be OK." It was the prayer of a desperate child and that is exactly how I felt. It is nothing short of a miracle and I, still today, stand all amazed - not a mark on her, no broken bones, no blood just a bruise and some swelling. Her limp went away after a few days and then of course, Dozer ran into her again (he is a bit clumsy - think of a bull dozer turning - now you know how he got his name). Now, she is limping again so she gets a pain pill once a day.

Bella punctured her inner thigh and has edema under her belly from getting struck. What happened, you ask? She stepped on a pitch fork and the the handle hit her belly and the tine of the fork punctured her thigh. So the vet came out last night to check her over. $171 later she is fine, a bit sore and getting a betadine rinse twice a day.

We vaccinated all three horses yesterday (this is when we discovered Bella's issue). We checked on them this morning and everyone was fine. Tonight, just in time for dinner, Max started having issues. He was showing neurological issues (stumbling, twitching, eyes rolling, heavy breathing). Luckily he was only having a reaction to the West Nile vaccine and not a major issue. I called our wonderful the vet yet again and we did a phone consult. With hot packs and banamine and butte he pulled out of it just fine.

Where am I headed with all of these part stories? I should have gone to vet school the way I wanted to when I was 11. I may not make any money but I sure would have saved a dollar or two! We are faced with endless crisis and endless worry and endless love for our animals. Through it all - we pray.

*****
We talked yesterday about how being too busy to ride and that perhaps we should sell the horses. We both just looked at each other for a moment to two and then burst out laughing. Knowing us, that is the most ridiculous idea I have ever come up with. Not quite as bad as moving to Alaska, but close. We have recommitted ourselves to living the life we want, kids or not. We live on a farm because we love the space and privacy. There is always something to do (chores) and we enjoy working on building our dream. These are some of the reasons I love our place. This is the land of my heart and the haven of my soul. Through it all - we pray




















Our second adoption interview was cancelled due to a baby being born and placement taking place. At first I was disappointed and heart broken to be pushed into the back seat yet again. But after a family consultation I realized that it is a wonderful thing; how could I have been so selfish as to miss it?! Someone is being reunited with their child! Somewhere two families are becoming one to raise and care for a chosen child of God.

I know our time will come and we will have our time to be that couple. We want so desperately to be parents and to raise and love a child. I hope that our Birth Mother is preparing and realizing that there is a plan for us, someday we will meet and renew a friendship that started long before these present moments. I am so humbled that adoption is a process that we are able to go through and that some way, some how, we will be chosen to be parents to a very special child. I hope our Birth Mother knows that we pray for her daily, even now when our placement is so far off and our paper work is not complete - we pray. Through it all - we pray.

Where ever you are, what ever your circumstance, we love you and will love you the best way we know how. Through it all - we pray

Our petting zoo and little boys

I work with a brilliant engineer named Randy; we share a cube wall. He has three grown kids and two grandsons. Whenever his grandsons come to the office with him, you will find them in my cube talking about animals, trees, bugs and other such interesting things that little boys enjoy. Nick is 5 and Nathan is 2.

On a whim, invited Randy to bring his grandsons out to our place to feed the baby goats and play with the horses. He called on Saturday afternoon and brought the boys out with their dad, Jake, and aunt, Katie, (Randy's son and daughter).

While they were here, out neighbor to the south was doing some target practice and one of the Guardians came over to say hello. He is the big white dog in the photo and his name is Rock. I thought I would share some of my favorite photos from their visit.

I had a great time with the kids and it reminded me of our babies, all four that we have lost. Our sweet twins, I miss them so much but I am grateful for the time we had with them and the lessons we have learned since their loss. We are traveling on a path that we may not have found otherwise.

Watching these little boys renews my faith that Heavenly Father has a child waiting for us and a Birth Mother who we know from another place in time. I know that some way, some how, we will find each other and be able to start our own family through the miracle of adoption. I pray that we will be connected and be able to recognize each other.

It does my heart good to be around little children and to be reminded of their unconditional love and their thirst for knowledge.

Changes

So many changes in the last few weeks; nothing ground breaking...

Salem, our sweet adopted kitty disappeared. We think he wandered beyond the boundary that the Guardians protect and became a kitty biscuit for the coyotes.

Ducky, our 13 year old kitty disappeared. We think the HUGE red tail hawk got her because the hawk was hanging around and Ducky never travels far. Being 13 years old, she was unable to out run a hawk.

I have to say: it is all my fault. I take full responsibility. For our adoption home study we had to provide vaccination records for each animal (no small feat when you live on a farm). As we stood in line to get the three cats vaccinated and I looked in dismay at the cost, I said the following to R: "Just watch, I am going to pay $120 for vaccinations for barn cats and in 3 weeks, they will get eaten." Sure enough, they got eaten; I will never say that again.

After 3 weeks of waiting for one or both to return home, we went to the pound to find another kitty. We still have Jasper, the spastic orange tabby given to us by Momma Sherri (R's Mom). We came home with Jake (see photo below). He is just as spastic as Jasper and since they are about the same age, they get along just fine. We are working on fattening Jake up, not for the coyotes but because he was a little on the thin side. He seems to be happy and this weekend we will allow them both to go back outside. Since Salem 'left' our rabbit population has exploded. I feel much better knowing the dog or cat ate the bunnies rather than living with guilty conscience and less ammo.

Shameless plug for our local humane society below:
We have gone to several shelters and rescues over the years but I have to say that the staff at our local Humane Society work harder than most and reap little reward. They were able to meet with us and match us to a kitty in under 30 minutes. AND they have half-price cat day (who knew?!) so Jake was only $12.50 and came with a collar, carry box and a bag of food; I think I might have paid $2.50 for the cat! We may be back in another week or two to get another kitty (3 seems to be a good number around our house).

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The babies are growing and eating more and more. They leave home next weekend. While it will be sad to see them go, I will enjoy not having to feed 3 times a day and I will actually be able to use the milk.

Our dear Phoebe left last weekend - no, no, not a coyote or hawk snack. She was purchased by the Burdick Family of Castle Rock, Colorado. She went to a show home and will be pampered.

Phoebe was our last and final tangible reminder that we lost our twins. We kept her in anticipation of having 4 mouths to feed, then we lost the twins and still had Phoebe. With her gone, I feel like we are finally turning a corner and moving forward. We had our first interview with our case worker two weeks ago and he didn't laugh at us and tell us no, so that was encouraging! We have our second interview scheduled for the end of this month and should be good to go by July.

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He Lives

Occasionally the Church sends out new messages to spread the word. We enjoy these messages even as members; they are a great way for us to shore up our testimonies and remember why we are here and why we are doing the things that we are doing.


Watch a new Mormon Messages video, "He Lives " to see and hear modern-day Apostles testify that Jesus Christ is the Savior and that He lives today.

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Our first adoption meeting is scheduled for the end of the month. I am nervous. All of a sudden I am having insecurities pop up that I was not aware I had; What if they don't like us? What if we live too far out of town? What if... What if... I have to keep reminding myself that we are guided on this path and that we receive daily promptings that this is the path we are to follow. Our faith will sustain us. We know there is a Mother and Child out there for us and that some how, some time we will find each other.

Our baby goats are due in 2 weeks! It is getting closer and my excitement is growing. what kind of babies will we have? What will they look like and what will their personalities be?! I am so excited! (remind me that I said that when I am complaining of lack of sleep!

Downtime, Dogs and Provident Providers

We are still patiently waiting for our adoption Case Worker to make first contact with us. It has been a month and a half since we turned in the first set of paperwork and just over one month since we finished and submitted sections 2 and 3. The receptionist keeps telling me that he will be calling us soon. In the mean time, the State had yet another form for us to fill out - same information as the LDS form, only in a different format. I wonder why they have 2 forms instead of just working together and having one. Maybe it is just all part of the challenge to see if we really do want to adopt? I just sigh, and figure that one more set of paperwork is not back breaking.

We took Sky to the vet this morning. Her eyes have a weird blue glow to them and she is starting to run into things. It is very subtle and you have to be looking for it, but she is definitely having trouble seeing. The blue glow started a few months ago and we thought it was just her pupil color. Then it got bigger and her eyes were bloodshot, so I figured it was from the wind. We kept her inside and used soothing drops on her eyes. Then this weekend, Mom came out and I asked her what she thought. We watched Sky carefully, with 5 dogs running around it was hard, and sure enough, she was having trouble seeing... The vet is sending us to a specialist tonight to run some tests and provide a diagnosis. We are fairly certain that she is almost completely blind. She may be able to see shadows, but not much. We will know more tonight. We are so grateful for the great vets we have for our animals and for their expertise. I have faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to; I just hope that coincides with what I want!

Due to the stress from that and lack of enthusiasm in general, I took today off. It is nice to be home working on adoption stuff, relaxing, and making cinnamon rolls. I wish it was about 20 degrees warmer!

The Church sent this video, Becoming Provident Providers, out about a week or so ago to help us all learn principles of avoiding debt, discerning between needs and wants, and living close to God in order to be provident providers both spiritually and temporally. We feel compelled to share this message with you. It is our sincere hope that we can all work towards self sufficiency, being debt free and becoming provident providers.



***Update on Sky*** She has glaucoma in both eyes and is mostly (98%) blind. She can differentiate some light from dark and at times can see some shadows. We have her on eye drops to keep the pressure in her eyes down, blood pressure pills to regulate blood flow to the optic nerve and fish oil to help regenerate the nerve. She will never see again, but with continued therapy and care, she will live a long life and will, we hope, get to see more shadows to help navigate. She will be going back to the vet on April 20th to check her progress on this medley of drugs; fingers crossed and prayers said; it will be good news! - Side bar - She loves the canned dog food that is used to disguise the pill and fish oil; she is also enjoying extra attention and pampering. Shigom is a bit jealous and Dozer is not smart enough to know what is going on!

Patience is a virtue

What a week! We went from the high 60s to the 20s over the span of a couple of days. I can tell; spring is on the way. The horses are starting to shed - it will be a very hairy spring around the Stout Ranch. We have one month left until kidding season; we bred both does and have bets going to see how many of what we will get. Robert is betting (hoping really) for 2 bucklings. That way we can take them to auction and our herd will not increase! I am betting (hoping really) for 3 babies; 2 doelings and one buckling. I would like to have more options for the does we keep. At this point there are too many variables to guess and making plans seems like a waste of time and energy. We will find out on April 24th! We are still having to be patient - since we have been waiting since November, I think we are doing splendidly!

We planted our seeds for the garden two weeks ago. We start them indoors during early March when it is too cold to put them outside. They will continue to grow in pots on the breakfast table until mid-May when it will be warm enough to put them outside. It is so fun to watch them pop up; small and fragile, struggling towards the light. In mere days they are 2-3 inches tall with big beautiful leaves. Last year, not knowing what I was doings, I over planted on some things and under planted on others. This year, I have a nice variety of everything and if all goes well with the hail and wind, we should have a nice harvest!

I was sitting here watching my seeds and thinking that they could be compared to the parable of the mustard seed and our struggle to increase our faith and share the Gospel. But as I sit here watching these tiny seeds that I planted a few short weeks ago struggle to live and grow I am reminded of our personal seeds and our personal struggles; how we can help each other's seeds to grow and thrive just by being more tolerant and understanding. We each face different struggles as couples and as individuals. We, each of us, has within us a tiny seed that struggles to live and grow and thrive. I don't know your struggles, just as you don't know mine. I also don't know the struggles of the rude man in the grocery line or the lady that cut me off on the freeway. But when I take the time to remember that we each have our own private impurities, challenges and struggles, it makes the small offences of another seem even smaller. How much easier is it then to forgive and uplift each other?!

Empathy by Kelly Miller

When empathy is learned
Our heart to another is turned
As births buds of charity
That we can comfort with clarity

From our own pain we see
And feel with deepened depth
Such that it is the seed
Of love's flower we'll not forget

It seems that all is moving very slowly on the adoption front. We turned in packet 3 almost one month ago and so far, not a word from the Case Worker or even the support staff. I suppose they are very busy and I like to imagine them working fervently on our paperwork round the clock! The reality is that there are several couples in line ahead of us and we will be learning the virtue of patience. Patience will become a dear friend by the time this is all said and done, I just hope I have enough patience to enjoy the ride.

We were talking about the process the other night and we realized (again) that it doesn't really matter how long it takes, our dear child and his/her Mother will be ready and waiting for us when the time is right. We keep having this same epiphany each time we start to get worked up about it. This is our constant struggle, our thought to keep in perspective, our seed that needs to be nurtured...

Adoption Paperwork and Memories

Our adoption paperwork/process is set up into five sections. We finished sections 1 and 2 fairly quickly and started on section 3. Section 3 is made up of paperwork (again) and some online forms that ask about family and background, etc. We finished the paperwork portion and started on the online stuff two weeks ago. Some of the questions are very straight forward and some take some definite thought.

We finished the online portion today. It was interesting to think about the answers and reminisce about times past. One of the questions was something about sharing any special experiences or memories. Of course our temple marriage was at the top of the list. After almost 13 years of marriage, how do you pick a few experiences and memories of the many we have had?! We each finished our sections and started talking about some of our memories. One that Robert reminded me of goes as follows:

We were on the third day of our honeymoon and decided to go canoeing. Since we were renting a house on a private beach, the river that we were going to canoe on lead to the ocean. So we rented the canoe and started out. The current was strongly pushing us out to the ocean and we paddled upriver. Robert is more adventurous and wanted to paddle in the middle of the river so we could have a better view of the fish, shores and what was ahead. I am less adventurous and wanted to be near the beach, so I could jump out and grab sand if something went wrong! And, I don't like to be on or in water that I cannot see the bottom. So, we are canoeing, Robert in front and me behind. He kept paddling out to the middle and I would paddle back to shore. We spent the whole trip up river doing zig-zags to the shore and back to the middle, to the shore and back.

As in an marriage, it take some time to get used to your partner and their idiosyncrasies. It also takes some time to find the middle ground and compromise. We stopped at our destination, drew hearts in the sand and took some pictures of each of us near our heart that said "I love you!". After finding our middle ground, the canoe ride back was much less work and much more fun.

That was one of our first experiences learning about compromise and working together as a married couple, we have a lot more! So again I ask, 'how do you pick a few experiences to share when you have SO many to choose from?!'