Endure

I started studying on Friday afternoon, as instructed by my last two blessings. I stand in awe of what I learned in such a short afternoon. I have been brought to tears and touched so sweetly by the Spirit; I am So grateful for the Gospel and the bits I have been blessed to learn. I am digesting and pondering this simple lesson in preparation for the lessons yet to come. I am so blessed to be able to understand. I did not know I had such depths to my simple being.

Much of what I learned came from the first chapter of "If Thou Endure It Well" by President Neal A. Maxwell. Some here is paraphrased from his book, some a direct excerpt and some just my thoughts on this first step in what I can tell will be a long road to understanding the lesson I am meant to learn.

In Mosiah 23:21 and Abraham 3:25 God said that He would structure mortality to be a proving and testing experience. "The challenges differ for each of us. The configuration and weight of our own yoke of afflictions vary during the journey of discipleship such as the differing seasons of our individual lives. Unvarying, however, is the reality that only by taking upon us the yoke Jesus assigns to us, and then enduring, will we learn most deeply of Him, love Him the more and become more like Him." (page 3)

What does it truly mean in Matthew 11:30 'For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light'? According to Alma 31:38 the most profound relief awaits to be claimed: our afflictions can be 'swallowed up in the joy of Christ'. Only then will we understand the true meaning and the yoke and it's burdens will be made easy and light.

I shared this poem many months ago and feel that it fits well here as it came to mind during my reading this afternoon and I was prompted to reread it.

The Refiner of Silver
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.


As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.


The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire.


If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.


The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my reflection in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His reflection in you.

President Maxwell relates the following "Thus enduring well is clearly and essential part of mortality's planned refining process. Refining requires heat. Refining also requires time. Furthermore, if whatever constitutes "it" is to be endured well, refining also requires of it's recipients a genuine and continuing confidence in the Refiner. The painful and sometimes protracted process of refining is thus necessary in order to identify, separate, and cast off the dross... It is not only the dross impurities that must go but also coarseness of all kinds. This is necessary in order for us to develop the highest forms of personality and character." This passage leaves me to ponder 'what dross impurities do I need to cast off?'

"Some refining and defining moments do seem to come upon us suddenly. Yet even what may seem to be sudden trials or defining moments may have been building in quiet crescendo for a long time. In any case there is no quick fix and no easy, mortal equivalent of the speedy microwave oven. Even if there were, would we be willing to trade the higher speed for the higher heat? The fiery trials are warm enough as it is. Besides, refining occurs gradually "in a process of time.""

"It follows, then, that you and I cannot really expect to glide through life, coolly air conditioned, while naively petitioning "Lord, give me experience but not grief, a deeper appreciation of happiness but not deeper sorrow, joy in comfort but not in pain, more capacity to overcome but not more opposition: and please do not let me ever feel perplexed while on thine errand. Then let me come quickly and dwell with thee and fully share thy joy."" I know that one cannot experience the deepest joy without having known the deepest pain, otherwise how would one be able to measure and compare? What would you use as the measuring stick?

God knows all outcomes beforehand. So the experience of this mortal experience are solely for our purposes and growth. To hold us accountable for our actions and experiences during the mortal experience, we will go on record with the Lord as to the degree to which we have risen to meet the challenges of life. It will also allow each of us to see and know whether or not we have been successful in rising to the challenges. We must know, as Philippians 3:10 explains, we must endure for there is no free admission to the 'fellowship of His sufferings.'

"We need to endure a mix of trials. Some of these will be short and severs, others long and hard." Winston Churchill said 'We need to learn to be equally good at what is short and sharp and what is long and tough'." I pondered this today and realized that I am fairly good at handling the short and sharp, I bear down and push through for the pain, whatever type it may be, is short lived. I am not as well versed with the long and hard. Is this why so many loved ones have been taken in the past few years?

Daniel 3:25 reminds us that we are not alone in the furnace of our afflictions and D&C 14:7 explains that if we endure well now, we will receive the greatest gift later; eternal life. We need to keep these things in perspective now if we are to endure it well.

President Maxwell continues "Can we learn to keep "all these things" in perspective? Difficult as this can be, this is the course on which our faith must impel us if we are to endure it well. If we do not cling to this perspective, how can we expect to function fully and effectively in eternity without an acquired sense of proportion concerning which things matter most?... The perspective particularly achieved by those who endure it well includes learning how to distinguish between what is big and what is small."

We are here to learn to distinguish between the things that matter most and those that matter little, those things that are big and those things that are small. Without this mortal learning experience, how else would be be able to learn to make such important distinctions?

President Maxwell goes on to explain that "Mortality therefore is not a convenient, suburban, drive-around beltway with a view. Instead it passes slowly through life's inner city. Daily it involves real perspiration, real perplexity, real choosing, real suffering - and real refining! Thus by its very nature the crucial process of refining cannot occur without our enduring."

"Christ cannot perform our personal refining and enduring for us. He bore that huge, atoning portion - our sins - which we could not bear. Now He offers his grace to help us endure our smaller portion, the painful refining process in which He separates the sin, which He hates, from His children, whom He loves." We have such a difficult time with our easier portion, who can truly imagine what the price would be without Christ's assistance? He performed the hardest part on our behalf and now, when we are put to the test, He still offers assistance in the form of His grace.

"Ironically, often the most difficult part of enduring is choosing to begin the journey. We can pause too long as we contemplate this challenge or delay too long before we plunge into the process, causing too much needless trembling of the soul. It is vital therefore that we commence and then "continue as we commenced"." As with any journey that entails a trial of faith and and exercising of our character, I can imagine that we might all be hesitant to take the first steps. However, we all did choose to begin. Remember? We shouted for joy over the plan! We chose to begin by obtaining our second estate, our bodies. We have all already begun this journey. The hardest part is over; the choosing to begin. Now we must hold onto the path that we know is right. We must continue on and endure...

I know there is much more for me to learn during my study. Nothing so important could be learned in one single afternoon. I feel as if my blessing removed a tarp from the dark corner of the garage in my soul only to reveal a huge drum containing, what I presume to be, lessons for me to learn. This lesson enabled me to wipe the dust from the top of the drum to see that, yes it is a big drum and the label reads "Lessons for C'. I recounted this post to my Mom, she cried as I did so. Perhaps these lessons are not only meant for me, but also for some of those that I know?

I believe...

The following message was shared through a Relief Society letter and I was touched and thought I would share.

"The Christmas hymn, “Angels We Have Heard On High”, is a favorite at this time of year as reminders come to mind of that extraordinary night when heavenly visitors were both seen and heard by an assembly of simple shepherds. One can’t help but wonder what it might have been like to be among those humble men who witnessed the sights and sounds of such an incredible event. Surely, in that time of need, hearts were lifted, lives were blessed and troubles were comforted.


Christmas always brings extra angels to the earth, I believe.. each and every year. Perhaps they aren’t seen descending from heaven.. nor heard singing from on high.. but if we watch and listen carefully enough we can see and hear them. They walk among us as family and friends… and sometimes as strangers, ….whose hearts are more focused in the season of giving and peace, comfort and joy.

One recent example was shared by young woman last week. For the fourth time in seven years a private airplane crash-landed in their neighborhood. Miraculously, no lives were lost, but the homes of several families were destroyed. In minutes church phone trees sprang put into action quickly assembling local wards to gather and assist. As one of those responding that night, this young woman witnessed earthly angels working the miracles of comfort and peace among the frightened and homeless.

It is not emergencies alone that cause angels to be audible and visible. The miracle of the season is often seen in the generous and thoughtful actions of those who pause to consider more seriously the needs of others. In the most obvious ways it is manifested by those who donate gifts of clothing, food, money and time to those without homes, jobs, health and/or family. By no lesser means it is witnessed in acts of consideration, love and kindness as more and more of us reach out to make life easier and joyful for one another.

Often it is simply and sweetly experienced in the gratitude of our hearts.
Again, my example comes from a recent family event, proving that angels and their blessings come in all shapes and sizes. Having miraculously experienced a peaceful shopping trip with their two young children, a young couple had just buckled the children into their car seats and were headed home. Quietly the young wife and mother whispered a soft , “Thank you, Lord,” as their car pulled into traffic. There was a moment’s pause. Then, jubilantly from the seat behind her came an angelic voice: …”Your welcome, Mom!”
In whatever your holiday may hold…may the miracle of angels be in you and around you as Christmas approaches.. May you see them and hear them, may you speak and act with them… so others may see and hear as well.".

The road we travel

I have been home since Sunday night and the reality of the surgery didn't start to hit me until today. My neck and back pain is gone and has been replaced by a plate and 2 screws! My pain has also been temporarily replaced by foggy drug brain and choking but the pain is less, no more tingling fingers.

Overall, surgery went well and I am glad to be home. I was released 2 days later than originally anticipated and had some unforeseen complications. When the doctor came in on Sunday and told me they were going to keep me until Monday, I revolted! No way! I am done, I am leaving, just tell me what I need to do and I will do it... After a hard push on Sunday and a battery of tests, some pleading and begging on my part, I was released late in the day and able to come sleep in my own house with my animals and the smell of fresh healing country air. I am happy to be home and be back to living my life on my schedule and according to my timeline. It was hard to be gone from home for 2 extra days, extra unplanned days! My Family came to bat with the chores and endless things that needed to be done while I was out.

I started taking over some of my chores today, mainly the milking. I hadn't realized how much I enjoy the time outside, doing things around the house and for the animals. I also didn't realize how many chores there are! We are taking it slowly but are making it work. I am getting up a bit more each day, but like I said, taking it slowly. I have a new pain in the back of my neck, not sure what it is related to but trying not to aggravate it. I figure it must be part of the healing process. I'll take it easier tomorrow and maybe, just maybe I can talk the man into treating me to a short drive to town.

My time in the hospital gave me ample time to reflect on the many blessings I have. On the many ways Heavenly Father has prepared me to be in here, in this position at this time. The way that all of our small travels have gotten us down this road to recovery; not only physical but spiritual and emotional as well. We have come to know in our heart of hearts that we are blessed, blessed to be together and blessed to be living where and how we do. I am over taken by tears when I think of each individual trial, all of our losses and successes that have brought us here. We are on the correct path and only need to follow the road to the end. Endure, that is the final part of the puzzle. Who knew one word could hold so much power...

*****
Adoption:
We had our home visit today. Kelly, our case worker, came by to take a look around the place and chat with us a bit. I had not realized how stressed out I was about having someone come into my home and judge me. I know he isn't 'judging' me per-se and he has done tons of these visits but I wonder what specifically catches his eye and what specifically does he take note of. I wonder what crossed his mind when he realized that he was in the middle of nowhere but not far from town. I know without a doubt that Kelly is called of God to be a Case Worker and that he has been blessed with powers of observation to help make Heavenly Father's families reunite.

I wonder; does he have a sense of the match that will be made? Does he know in some part of his being what type of Birth Family will be attracted to each couple? I wonder how much his job weighs on his mind and how he copes with the excitement and release on a regular basis. We are blessed to be working with Kelly and are grateful for his expertise.

It is funny, we didn't frantically clean or put things away. After just coming home from the hospital the place was a bit rough around the edges compared to how it might normally be, but this is reality! I am glad Kelly was able to look past the cluttered counters and hopefully see the Family we are trying to build. We feel blessed to have met and be working with Kelly. He is an inspiring spirit and a fountain of wisdom. We are humbled that he even considers us worthy to take part in an adoption.

It seems as though we are surrounded by people who just delivered, are pregnant, have just received their placement or will be adopting in the next 2 months. I am thrilled for all of them and wish them the best. It is truly exciting to see so many families being started and completed through this miracle of adoption and at the hand of Heavenly Father and Kelly. We will continue to have faith that Heavenly Father will bless us with our child at the right time and when we are sufficiently prepared. I have faith - I must have faith, for without faith, there can be no hope.

*****
Website:
We have gotten some questions about our website that I thought I would share. Our website is coming along, although not quite on the timeline we expected. Somehow that doesn't surprise me or bother me. It seems as though nothing in our lives travel the anticipated time lines we have set.

Our website will encompass many areas, only one of which is adoption. We already have our blog and very soon will have our profile posted on the LDSFS website. We want Birth Mothers to know as much about us as possible and what a better way then a few pages on a website?! Yes, our profile will be up on LDSFS but we are limited in how much we can share and it can be overwhelming to view so many profiles and blogs while contemplating adoption.

We talk about adoption in our blog but our blog is mainly to share the goings on in our daily lives with friends and family who live far away and want to know about our latest adventure - it also saves me a ton of time in email! The Adoption portion of the website will only be geared towards sharing about us, our lives and families as a Birth Mother would like to know. Don't get me wrong, I want to get our names and information out there so our Mother will be able to find us but we are also private people and like to keep things of our lives private. I cannot imagine handing out business cards and putting magnets on my truck advertising our adoption intent. Dearest Birth Mother, where ever you are, I hope and pray that we will meet soon!

Secondly, we live on a ranch and have Purebred goats that we sell each year. Our website will assist us in selling these animals and will open new opportunities for breeding that may not otherwise be available. Gunner is a stud colt who may or may not remain intact. If we choose not to geld him, we will use the website to promote his stud services.

We also have a "Country Life' Section (this might be the part that I am most excited about!). It will cover gardening, food storage, self sufficiency, our animals, crafts, sewing, recipes, cooking, photography and just general suggestions shared from us and our readers to help teach skills and crafts that will enable one to engage in a self sufficient life and making the most of what you have. We are excited to have this portion of the website dedicated to a lifestyle that we are coming to embrace and so many others want to share.

Through it all

With all of the animals we have, it seems that one or two are always hurt, sick, or otherwise suffering from some ailment or other.

This the the story over the last few weeks/months:
Sky is still blind; in case you were not aware, glaucoma is not reversible. So she gets eye drops twice daily and blood pressure pill and fish oil in the evening. Being that she is only 6, we have many years to perfect our pill giving and eye dropping. One thing in Sky's credit - she is a whole lot easier to treat than Bella was when she tore her eye lid 4 years ago. Perhaps it has something to do with the 45pound dog vs. 1500 pound horse thing... Hmmm, good food for thought!

Dozer went in to the vet 2 weeks ago for a bad tummy rash. They determined that he is allergic to 'something'. Whatever that something is has yet to be determined. He was on antibiotics and benadryl three times a day for a week. The infection part of the rash is gone but he still has a rash. So Dozer gets benadryl twice daily; not that he minds daily hot dogs or cheese slices. He is up to 56.6 pounds at 2 years old. I hope he stops growing soon, but the vet said to expect another 10-15 pounds. Note to self - start working out again, specifically weight lifting!

Shigom went into the vet 4 months ago after Dozer ran into her and badly bruised her shoulder. Then Max attacked her - Yes, the horse attacked the dog! It was horrible and hences I must share my horror... I had fed Max (grain and hay) and Shigom was sneaking in the stall to eat the grain while I was brushing him. Well, he was occupied and 'Mom' was near so he was minding his manners and being the sweet 2000 pound baby I know him to be. I finished what I was doing and turned to leave. Shigom made one last attempt for a bite and Max reared up and tried to stomp on her. Luckily he missed and just knocked her over. Next thing I knew he had her in his mouth and threw her 6 feet into the air and slammed her against the barn wall. I screamed to distract Max and Shigom was yowling - a sound I have never heard before. I ran in (in hind sight that was not the smartest thing I could do but... Shigom is my sweet, sweet girl) I got Shigom out and we locked the other dogs in the unused goat pen so I could assess the damage. I fully expected a broken back, missing flesh and lots of blood. I prayed from the moment I screamed "God, please let my dog be OK, please let my dog be OK." It was the prayer of a desperate child and that is exactly how I felt. It is nothing short of a miracle and I, still today, stand all amazed - not a mark on her, no broken bones, no blood just a bruise and some swelling. Her limp went away after a few days and then of course, Dozer ran into her again (he is a bit clumsy - think of a bull dozer turning - now you know how he got his name). Now, she is limping again so she gets a pain pill once a day.

Bella punctured her inner thigh and has edema under her belly from getting struck. What happened, you ask? She stepped on a pitch fork and the the handle hit her belly and the tine of the fork punctured her thigh. So the vet came out last night to check her over. $171 later she is fine, a bit sore and getting a betadine rinse twice a day.

We vaccinated all three horses yesterday (this is when we discovered Bella's issue). We checked on them this morning and everyone was fine. Tonight, just in time for dinner, Max started having issues. He was showing neurological issues (stumbling, twitching, eyes rolling, heavy breathing). Luckily he was only having a reaction to the West Nile vaccine and not a major issue. I called our wonderful the vet yet again and we did a phone consult. With hot packs and banamine and butte he pulled out of it just fine.

Where am I headed with all of these part stories? I should have gone to vet school the way I wanted to when I was 11. I may not make any money but I sure would have saved a dollar or two! We are faced with endless crisis and endless worry and endless love for our animals. Through it all - we pray.

*****
We talked yesterday about how being too busy to ride and that perhaps we should sell the horses. We both just looked at each other for a moment to two and then burst out laughing. Knowing us, that is the most ridiculous idea I have ever come up with. Not quite as bad as moving to Alaska, but close. We have recommitted ourselves to living the life we want, kids or not. We live on a farm because we love the space and privacy. There is always something to do (chores) and we enjoy working on building our dream. These are some of the reasons I love our place. This is the land of my heart and the haven of my soul. Through it all - we pray




















Our second adoption interview was cancelled due to a baby being born and placement taking place. At first I was disappointed and heart broken to be pushed into the back seat yet again. But after a family consultation I realized that it is a wonderful thing; how could I have been so selfish as to miss it?! Someone is being reunited with their child! Somewhere two families are becoming one to raise and care for a chosen child of God.

I know our time will come and we will have our time to be that couple. We want so desperately to be parents and to raise and love a child. I hope that our Birth Mother is preparing and realizing that there is a plan for us, someday we will meet and renew a friendship that started long before these present moments. I am so humbled that adoption is a process that we are able to go through and that some way, some how, we will be chosen to be parents to a very special child. I hope our Birth Mother knows that we pray for her daily, even now when our placement is so far off and our paper work is not complete - we pray. Through it all - we pray.

Where ever you are, what ever your circumstance, we love you and will love you the best way we know how. Through it all - we pray

Our petting zoo and little boys

I work with a brilliant engineer named Randy; we share a cube wall. He has three grown kids and two grandsons. Whenever his grandsons come to the office with him, you will find them in my cube talking about animals, trees, bugs and other such interesting things that little boys enjoy. Nick is 5 and Nathan is 2.

On a whim, invited Randy to bring his grandsons out to our place to feed the baby goats and play with the horses. He called on Saturday afternoon and brought the boys out with their dad, Jake, and aunt, Katie, (Randy's son and daughter).

While they were here, out neighbor to the south was doing some target practice and one of the Guardians came over to say hello. He is the big white dog in the photo and his name is Rock. I thought I would share some of my favorite photos from their visit.

I had a great time with the kids and it reminded me of our babies, all four that we have lost. Our sweet twins, I miss them so much but I am grateful for the time we had with them and the lessons we have learned since their loss. We are traveling on a path that we may not have found otherwise.

Watching these little boys renews my faith that Heavenly Father has a child waiting for us and a Birth Mother who we know from another place in time. I know that some way, some how, we will find each other and be able to start our own family through the miracle of adoption. I pray that we will be connected and be able to recognize each other.

It does my heart good to be around little children and to be reminded of their unconditional love and their thirst for knowledge.

Patience is a virtue

What a week! We went from the high 60s to the 20s over the span of a couple of days. I can tell; spring is on the way. The horses are starting to shed - it will be a very hairy spring around the Stout Ranch. We have one month left until kidding season; we bred both does and have bets going to see how many of what we will get. Robert is betting (hoping really) for 2 bucklings. That way we can take them to auction and our herd will not increase! I am betting (hoping really) for 3 babies; 2 doelings and one buckling. I would like to have more options for the does we keep. At this point there are too many variables to guess and making plans seems like a waste of time and energy. We will find out on April 24th! We are still having to be patient - since we have been waiting since November, I think we are doing splendidly!

We planted our seeds for the garden two weeks ago. We start them indoors during early March when it is too cold to put them outside. They will continue to grow in pots on the breakfast table until mid-May when it will be warm enough to put them outside. It is so fun to watch them pop up; small and fragile, struggling towards the light. In mere days they are 2-3 inches tall with big beautiful leaves. Last year, not knowing what I was doings, I over planted on some things and under planted on others. This year, I have a nice variety of everything and if all goes well with the hail and wind, we should have a nice harvest!

I was sitting here watching my seeds and thinking that they could be compared to the parable of the mustard seed and our struggle to increase our faith and share the Gospel. But as I sit here watching these tiny seeds that I planted a few short weeks ago struggle to live and grow I am reminded of our personal seeds and our personal struggles; how we can help each other's seeds to grow and thrive just by being more tolerant and understanding. We each face different struggles as couples and as individuals. We, each of us, has within us a tiny seed that struggles to live and grow and thrive. I don't know your struggles, just as you don't know mine. I also don't know the struggles of the rude man in the grocery line or the lady that cut me off on the freeway. But when I take the time to remember that we each have our own private impurities, challenges and struggles, it makes the small offences of another seem even smaller. How much easier is it then to forgive and uplift each other?!

Empathy by Kelly Miller

When empathy is learned
Our heart to another is turned
As births buds of charity
That we can comfort with clarity

From our own pain we see
And feel with deepened depth
Such that it is the seed
Of love's flower we'll not forget

It seems that all is moving very slowly on the adoption front. We turned in packet 3 almost one month ago and so far, not a word from the Case Worker or even the support staff. I suppose they are very busy and I like to imagine them working fervently on our paperwork round the clock! The reality is that there are several couples in line ahead of us and we will be learning the virtue of patience. Patience will become a dear friend by the time this is all said and done, I just hope I have enough patience to enjoy the ride.

We were talking about the process the other night and we realized (again) that it doesn't really matter how long it takes, our dear child and his/her Mother will be ready and waiting for us when the time is right. We keep having this same epiphany each time we start to get worked up about it. This is our constant struggle, our thought to keep in perspective, our seed that needs to be nurtured...

Adoption Paperwork and Memories

Our adoption paperwork/process is set up into five sections. We finished sections 1 and 2 fairly quickly and started on section 3. Section 3 is made up of paperwork (again) and some online forms that ask about family and background, etc. We finished the paperwork portion and started on the online stuff two weeks ago. Some of the questions are very straight forward and some take some definite thought.

We finished the online portion today. It was interesting to think about the answers and reminisce about times past. One of the questions was something about sharing any special experiences or memories. Of course our temple marriage was at the top of the list. After almost 13 years of marriage, how do you pick a few experiences and memories of the many we have had?! We each finished our sections and started talking about some of our memories. One that Robert reminded me of goes as follows:

We were on the third day of our honeymoon and decided to go canoeing. Since we were renting a house on a private beach, the river that we were going to canoe on lead to the ocean. So we rented the canoe and started out. The current was strongly pushing us out to the ocean and we paddled upriver. Robert is more adventurous and wanted to paddle in the middle of the river so we could have a better view of the fish, shores and what was ahead. I am less adventurous and wanted to be near the beach, so I could jump out and grab sand if something went wrong! And, I don't like to be on or in water that I cannot see the bottom. So, we are canoeing, Robert in front and me behind. He kept paddling out to the middle and I would paddle back to shore. We spent the whole trip up river doing zig-zags to the shore and back to the middle, to the shore and back.

As in an marriage, it take some time to get used to your partner and their idiosyncrasies. It also takes some time to find the middle ground and compromise. We stopped at our destination, drew hearts in the sand and took some pictures of each of us near our heart that said "I love you!". After finding our middle ground, the canoe ride back was much less work and much more fun.

That was one of our first experiences learning about compromise and working together as a married couple, we have a lot more! So again I ask, 'how do you pick a few experiences to share when you have SO many to choose from?!'

The Refiner of Silver

This journey of grief and healing is a private journey; a mountain that I must climb to find true healing and acceptance. Strange as it may sound, I find comfort in knowing that the hill is mine, and only mine to climb. I get to do it at my pace, however I see fit.

Some days I walk through a sunlit forest path. The walking is easy and my burden is light. I know I have traveled far but I am not weary from the journey. The sun warms my skin and the shade cools my brow. I am comforted in knowing that we will see our dear babies again someday; I find sweet joy in the confidence that somewhere out there, our next baby awaits his or her turn to come into our arms, that his or her mother is making choices that will allow that to happen.


On other days I stand surrounded by the mists of despair and look up to the top of the mountain; the things I have yet to feel and overcome; the path that must be followed to be able to embrace our awaiting child with open arms and hearts, and the path seems too much to bear. I feel unworthy and unable to continue. It is these times that I try to remember a few things.



1. The Spirit has guided us to this path toward adoption. We feel the Spirit prompting us each step of the way.

2. He holds us in the palm of his hand, we are not forgotten. He is aware of each thought, each hope and each second of despair. He knows me perfectly and He loves me perfectly. I feel His concern and awareness of me on such an intimate level.

3. Elder Maxwell said it best: "To go to the very edge is possible, of course, only when we believe in an omniscient and omnipotent God. When we understand that all things are present before His eyes and that He knows all things past, present, and future, then we can trust ourselves to Him as we clearly could not to a less than omniscient god who is off somewhere in the firmament doing further research."


Our Missionaries came for dinner last week and Elder Horner shared the following story.
The Refiner of Silver

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire.

If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my reflection in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His reflection in you.