Healing and progressing

We have a had a busy few weeks! I was gearing up to have a barrage of medical check-ups and go back to work and R has been trying to keep a leash on me! So, here is the latest update...

We went to see the surgeon last Friday. Of course there was the waiting room with oldies playing and all of the 'pain update' paperwork to fill out. They want to know all kinds of things like, how long can you sit in a chair before you start hurting, how long can you stand, drive, read, etc. They also check on the status of your personal care i.e. do you need help dressing, doing your hair, makeup, shoes. I laughed out loud because I haven't done my hair since the beginning of December and haven't worn makeup since November! On those two questions I put a big question mark and smiling face. ? :-)

Anyhow, when I finally got in to see him we chatted about how I am feeling and the activities I have been participating in. I haven't been doing much so it was a short conversation! He pulled out the two x-rays and studied them for a moment. He said "Huh..." Meanwhile I am sitting in a chair behind him freaking out! Huh... Huh? Huh, what? Huh, good or huh, bad? ACK! Finally he turns around and says "I am stumped." Being out of patience, I said 'Ok, Doctor B. You said 'huh...' and now you are stumped, which is great but it is my neck holding my head up, so spill it!' He said 'Hop up here on the table and I'll tell you while I check it out.'

I did as he requested and he proceeded to tell me that it appears that the front of the fusion, you remember, the one from last June, is starting to fuse. What?! Yes, starting to fuse after 10 months of no bone growth at all. He said "I have never seen anything like it. It is unheard of for a fusion that old to start healing. I can't explain it." I smiled! I can explain it - I got a blessing, many blessings actually, that are predicated on my faith, of which I have an abundance. I was instructed to study and learn the lessons that I need to learn from this experience and I have been doing so. - I should apologize for not sharing any more of my lessons, but they suddenly became very personal and precious. Being such, they were inappropriate for me to share on such a public forum. - So, great news; I am healing!

My incision goes from my hairline strait down about 4 inches and across the base of my neck/shoulders about 4 inches (like a big T). Then there is a hole the size of a pencil eraser, which is now closed, about 4 inches to the left of the base of the T. It is bright pink, as with most newly forming scars. I believe it will be a while before I am comfortable wearing my hair up in public.

I asked about work and he said no, not just no, but emphatically no! I am only 4-5 weeks out of surgery and I need to be 8-12 before the bones have healed enough to start being really active again. So, 6 more weeks. He wants a CAT Scan at that point and those results will enable him to better determine how fast I can increase my activities.

Check out my metal!



The original plate and 4 screws are in the middle, each side has a clamp, rod and 2 additional screws.
R likes to say I am much like a walking hardware store!
Yes - I did notice that they are crooked - but if you know me, you will know it is fitting!

Ready for even more great news?! I saw the vocal cord doc on Monday and he said that my vocal cords are 100% physically healed! Woohoo! Here is the only bad news of the entire situation over the last week... I saw the speech therapist for a check up and a battery of tests. I didn't pass so she wants to keep seeing me. We need to work on a few things and in time, I should be 100%. So bad news but not terrible! Part of my homework is to read out loud for 10-15 minutes each day. Today, Dozer and I lazed in bed and read a Nora Roberts book. Dozer loved it, he is such a romantic! Perhaps it was the tummy scratching, but I choose to believe he likes romance... I have been reading a lot, not just romance, but a nice variety of books. If you have any suggestions, let me know - I am always looking for new reads!!

I have also been doing some embroidery. I gifted a cute little heart to my Mom, now am working on a fantastic little piggy banner. I didn't take a photo of the first one but I will take a photo of the piggies when it is done!

JoAnn's had a sale a few weeks ago and R took me down to browse. I picked out a pretty skirt pattern and he picked out some really nice tan fabric with embroidered fabric. May I just say that he has some very expensive taste?! I am too scared to even take it out of the bag to wash it! I imagine I will be doing just that over the next few days since I need to have it done by April and I haven't sewn anything in years. I did get the machine out and it works well. I've been practicing on a pillowcase doll that I made for, Jasmine, R's little sister's baptism in May. When I get that done, I will post a photo! I want to wear the skirt to Mom's Easter singing program. They started practicing last weekend; there are 160 people in the choir and they sing like angels! I am still hoping to get some photos and a video when they perform. I would really like to make a new outfit for Jasmine's baptism in May. The question is - skirt or dress? plain or floral? Bright or subdued?

We joined Facebook last August; the peer pressure was too great to resist! It is a neat tool for keeping in touch but I still find it odd how some people use it like a journal. There are some things that you should not share with hundreds of people... We share, but as on here, we are very selective in what we share. It is fascinating none the less!

We have had a few 'almost' adoption situations over the past month - 4 to be exact. As frustrating as it can be, we are still trying to be patient and calm. Everything in God's time, not mine. Our Birth parents are out there and we will be reunited at some point. We have been chosen and then rejected, almost chosen and had an opportunity slip through our fingers due to technicalities. Through it all, we know that all of these things have happened for the same reason - it was not meant to be. Those situations were never meant to be ours. We continue to serve through Colorado FSA and I actually got to write a blog post on February 15th!

Down the gauntlet of grief and pain

All of our most personal feelings are related in our journal as they are much to tender to be shared in such a public place. We are careful to share just a glimpse of our lives and nothing too personal so this post was almost not crated. I am not sure why I feel impressed to share, but I do. Until I feel differently, this post will remain.
We are passing through three expected due dates over the next week. Our lost babies from 1997 (girl), 2004 (boy) and our dear sweet twins.

We have been so busy with surgery, recovery, life and adoption that it feels as though this week snuck up on me. I knew it was on the way - I always know, it is carved into my heart. Yet, I am not prepared to say goodbye to my babies again – I need more time to prepare myself, to postpone. I do not want to pass our due date tomorrow with empty arms. I want my babies here with me, particularly when it seems as though everywhere I turn families are being made, carried, born and brought home.

There are so many websites, blogs, books and resources out there for one to 'recover' from grief. I suppose it is the word 'recover' that I take offense to. To recover implies that I am broken, ill, in need of fixing. I suppose that may be true in some sense; but it seems to be my reality that a part of me is broken but will never be fixed. These pieces need to be gently held, acknowledged and incorporated into who I am. I will never be the same person that I was before we lost our first two children. I will never be the same person I was before November 17th at 9:15 when we discovered the loss of our twins. I can only hope that the grief I carry, the grief that is mine alone to bare will allow me, in some way, some shape to become a stronger more faithful child of God. To cling to His promised atonement, love and principles of eternal families. That this grief will work into my being to allow me to become the person that I must be, the person He wants and needs me to be.

I have been keenly aware of Heavenly Father over the last few days. I can feel His gentle love surrounding my heart, padding my soul. There are some pains that are too hard to bear alone; saying goodbye to my children is one of them. He knows these things and He knows that it is by His will that we endure and arrive enlivened and stronger in spirit and faith than before.
Through my grief, I took special care today to spend some time outside. I viewed this world, our land, and our many blessings and tried to do so with an open mind to inspiration and love. I cannot express the comfort I receive from being outside. Nature, our home in particular has been a great source of comfort to me over the past 9 months. This is my refuge, my place of renewal.

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?" ~Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)

Though my heart breaks anew, I am promised that I will be able to hold and love my children someday. Heavenly Father is divine and knows my every need, my every care, and my every thought. He knows that this simple promise will be the one thing that can carry me thought this gauntlet of grief.
For those who are rejoicing, our hearts smile with you, we are so happy for you and your new families. For those who grieve, we know your deepest pain, we hear your heart and we send our love, our faith and our prayers that we will all find peace and comfort during the dark days, that the light will return and that we will meet on the other side to embrace it.

The road we travel

I have been home since Sunday night and the reality of the surgery didn't start to hit me until today. My neck and back pain is gone and has been replaced by a plate and 2 screws! My pain has also been temporarily replaced by foggy drug brain and choking but the pain is less, no more tingling fingers.

Overall, surgery went well and I am glad to be home. I was released 2 days later than originally anticipated and had some unforeseen complications. When the doctor came in on Sunday and told me they were going to keep me until Monday, I revolted! No way! I am done, I am leaving, just tell me what I need to do and I will do it... After a hard push on Sunday and a battery of tests, some pleading and begging on my part, I was released late in the day and able to come sleep in my own house with my animals and the smell of fresh healing country air. I am happy to be home and be back to living my life on my schedule and according to my timeline. It was hard to be gone from home for 2 extra days, extra unplanned days! My Family came to bat with the chores and endless things that needed to be done while I was out.

I started taking over some of my chores today, mainly the milking. I hadn't realized how much I enjoy the time outside, doing things around the house and for the animals. I also didn't realize how many chores there are! We are taking it slowly but are making it work. I am getting up a bit more each day, but like I said, taking it slowly. I have a new pain in the back of my neck, not sure what it is related to but trying not to aggravate it. I figure it must be part of the healing process. I'll take it easier tomorrow and maybe, just maybe I can talk the man into treating me to a short drive to town.

My time in the hospital gave me ample time to reflect on the many blessings I have. On the many ways Heavenly Father has prepared me to be in here, in this position at this time. The way that all of our small travels have gotten us down this road to recovery; not only physical but spiritual and emotional as well. We have come to know in our heart of hearts that we are blessed, blessed to be together and blessed to be living where and how we do. I am over taken by tears when I think of each individual trial, all of our losses and successes that have brought us here. We are on the correct path and only need to follow the road to the end. Endure, that is the final part of the puzzle. Who knew one word could hold so much power...

*****
Adoption:
We had our home visit today. Kelly, our case worker, came by to take a look around the place and chat with us a bit. I had not realized how stressed out I was about having someone come into my home and judge me. I know he isn't 'judging' me per-se and he has done tons of these visits but I wonder what specifically catches his eye and what specifically does he take note of. I wonder what crossed his mind when he realized that he was in the middle of nowhere but not far from town. I know without a doubt that Kelly is called of God to be a Case Worker and that he has been blessed with powers of observation to help make Heavenly Father's families reunite.

I wonder; does he have a sense of the match that will be made? Does he know in some part of his being what type of Birth Family will be attracted to each couple? I wonder how much his job weighs on his mind and how he copes with the excitement and release on a regular basis. We are blessed to be working with Kelly and are grateful for his expertise.

It is funny, we didn't frantically clean or put things away. After just coming home from the hospital the place was a bit rough around the edges compared to how it might normally be, but this is reality! I am glad Kelly was able to look past the cluttered counters and hopefully see the Family we are trying to build. We feel blessed to have met and be working with Kelly. He is an inspiring spirit and a fountain of wisdom. We are humbled that he even considers us worthy to take part in an adoption.

It seems as though we are surrounded by people who just delivered, are pregnant, have just received their placement or will be adopting in the next 2 months. I am thrilled for all of them and wish them the best. It is truly exciting to see so many families being started and completed through this miracle of adoption and at the hand of Heavenly Father and Kelly. We will continue to have faith that Heavenly Father will bless us with our child at the right time and when we are sufficiently prepared. I have faith - I must have faith, for without faith, there can be no hope.

*****
Website:
We have gotten some questions about our website that I thought I would share. Our website is coming along, although not quite on the timeline we expected. Somehow that doesn't surprise me or bother me. It seems as though nothing in our lives travel the anticipated time lines we have set.

Our website will encompass many areas, only one of which is adoption. We already have our blog and very soon will have our profile posted on the LDSFS website. We want Birth Mothers to know as much about us as possible and what a better way then a few pages on a website?! Yes, our profile will be up on LDSFS but we are limited in how much we can share and it can be overwhelming to view so many profiles and blogs while contemplating adoption.

We talk about adoption in our blog but our blog is mainly to share the goings on in our daily lives with friends and family who live far away and want to know about our latest adventure - it also saves me a ton of time in email! The Adoption portion of the website will only be geared towards sharing about us, our lives and families as a Birth Mother would like to know. Don't get me wrong, I want to get our names and information out there so our Mother will be able to find us but we are also private people and like to keep things of our lives private. I cannot imagine handing out business cards and putting magnets on my truck advertising our adoption intent. Dearest Birth Mother, where ever you are, I hope and pray that we will meet soon!

Secondly, we live on a ranch and have Purebred goats that we sell each year. Our website will assist us in selling these animals and will open new opportunities for breeding that may not otherwise be available. Gunner is a stud colt who may or may not remain intact. If we choose not to geld him, we will use the website to promote his stud services.

We also have a "Country Life' Section (this might be the part that I am most excited about!). It will cover gardening, food storage, self sufficiency, our animals, crafts, sewing, recipes, cooking, photography and just general suggestions shared from us and our readers to help teach skills and crafts that will enable one to engage in a self sufficient life and making the most of what you have. We are excited to have this portion of the website dedicated to a lifestyle that we are coming to embrace and so many others want to share.

The Refiner of Silver

This journey of grief and healing is a private journey; a mountain that I must climb to find true healing and acceptance. Strange as it may sound, I find comfort in knowing that the hill is mine, and only mine to climb. I get to do it at my pace, however I see fit.

Some days I walk through a sunlit forest path. The walking is easy and my burden is light. I know I have traveled far but I am not weary from the journey. The sun warms my skin and the shade cools my brow. I am comforted in knowing that we will see our dear babies again someday; I find sweet joy in the confidence that somewhere out there, our next baby awaits his or her turn to come into our arms, that his or her mother is making choices that will allow that to happen.


On other days I stand surrounded by the mists of despair and look up to the top of the mountain; the things I have yet to feel and overcome; the path that must be followed to be able to embrace our awaiting child with open arms and hearts, and the path seems too much to bear. I feel unworthy and unable to continue. It is these times that I try to remember a few things.



1. The Spirit has guided us to this path toward adoption. We feel the Spirit prompting us each step of the way.

2. He holds us in the palm of his hand, we are not forgotten. He is aware of each thought, each hope and each second of despair. He knows me perfectly and He loves me perfectly. I feel His concern and awareness of me on such an intimate level.

3. Elder Maxwell said it best: "To go to the very edge is possible, of course, only when we believe in an omniscient and omnipotent God. When we understand that all things are present before His eyes and that He knows all things past, present, and future, then we can trust ourselves to Him as we clearly could not to a less than omniscient god who is off somewhere in the firmament doing further research."


Our Missionaries came for dinner last week and Elder Horner shared the following story.
The Refiner of Silver

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire.

If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my reflection in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His reflection in you.