Sparkling Lilly

Our sweet Lilly died on Monday night. She was one of the best and sweetest goat I have ever had.We got her in 2008 with her twin Lacey. Of the two, Lilly was smaller and more finely boned. She was also the most lovable!
 

Lacey (left) & Lilly (right)

Lilly was a lover, snuggler and picky eater. You have heard that goats eat anything, well, not Lilly! Her pallet extended to hay and grain. No carrots, cookies or veggies for that girl. Lilly was always the first one to the gate and would cry until she you gave her pets and snuggles.

Lilly graced us with one kid during her short life. Dawn Lilly was born last year and sold to a friend our near Sterling. We hope to continue her lines through her grandkids.

Lilly was an  second year freshener and an 8# a day milker. She could jump a 5 foot fence from a stand still and more than once would turn up on the front porch when she thought she needed more attention that she was receiving!

Sparkling Lilly April 2008 - January 2011

Her favorite game was playing 'tag' with R; he hated the game but she loved it! She would run and run, wait until he was just within reach and she would run again!

We will miss this little prankster and hope she is enjoying her life in Heaven with all of our kids.

Glancing back & Looking forward

Another year has come and gone. As we look back on 2010 we remember it fondly and anxious wait to see what the new year brings. We have loved, watched our Gunner (Monkey) grow, were broken and got back up, made a lot of money on goats and invested in more! We gained family and lost family; gained a brother and sister, lost our second set of twins. We were approved to adopt. 2010 was a big year with a lot of adventures; as we are sad to see it end, we are excited to see what is coming our way!

We had a friend ask if we were making any resolutions. Simple answer: nope! The next question was 'why not'. We have plans and we already know where we need to go and in general, how we will get there. We know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, we know in general what the plan is and the path to get there. We know the path but we don't know every step and we are still surprised at how things work out. Will 2011 reunite us with our family (child and his/her Birth family)? Only Heavenly Father knows and we will continue to follow his gentler promptings.

Another friend asked if we are trying to be the perfect couple, put on a 'good face', if our blog is really who we are. Yep, this is us - in all of our imperfect and goofy glory. She then asked if our blog was an adoption blog: nope! Our blog started one day when I wrote the same email (with minor changes) and sent it to 5 different family members. I decided that it was ridiculous and we wanted a place where we could share what we want and keep private other things. She asked why our blog is public. When we started we didn't know how to make it private and I wasn't sure our Moms and my Uncle Ed would know how to log in! Besides we now have lots followers from other countries and we get a lot of emails from people that we would never correspond with if our blog was private. 'Do all of our friends follow our blog?' Nope, only a few friends know we have a blog. Like I said, we are fairly private and while we love our friends, we are selective with whom and what we share. 'But you just said your blog was public.' Yes, but how many people that read our blog actually know us in person? About 6!

What do we have planned for 2011.
First: C will undergo her final surgery to fix her neck; this will hopefully happen in the next 4 weeks.
Second: we will travel to California so R can baptize his little sister.
Third: we will do some serious riding this summer and will start Gunner.
Fourth: who knows; we haven't thought that far ahead!

Our wish for you:
"May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires.
May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had, forget your home address!
In simple words ............
May 2011 be the best year of your life!!!"

The path to the end

After yet another trial, we seek peace and confidence in the path that the Lord has set before us.

I am reminded by my dear friend S, that we do have children; we have six, they are just not with us here on earth. They wait for us in heaven. The hardest trial is yet to come; being faithful and worthy to the end so that we will be able to see them, love them and be joined with them once again.

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering...
~William Wordsworth

I cry for my babies. I cry with gratitude for the opportunity endure to the end and to hold my precious babies again.

It has been 5 years since Dad passed away and while it has gotten easier to bear, the pain can often be sharp and piercing. I am so grateful for our forever family and for the opportunity to be sealed together. The comfort of knowing that we will be together again lessens and pain and dulls the ache.

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say "Goodbye".
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you -
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times
life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today~
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay.
~Author Unknown

Enduring to the end, or remaining faithful to the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ throughout life, is a fundamental requirement for salvation in the kingdom of God. "But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved." Matthew 24:13

LDS.org - Ensign Article - “Behold, We Count Them Happy Which Endure”

Down the gauntlet of grief and pain

All of our most personal feelings are related in our journal as they are much to tender to be shared in such a public place. We are careful to share just a glimpse of our lives and nothing too personal so this post was almost not crated. I am not sure why I feel impressed to share, but I do. Until I feel differently, this post will remain.
We are passing through three expected due dates over the next week. Our lost babies from 1997 (girl), 2004 (boy) and our dear sweet twins.

We have been so busy with surgery, recovery, life and adoption that it feels as though this week snuck up on me. I knew it was on the way - I always know, it is carved into my heart. Yet, I am not prepared to say goodbye to my babies again – I need more time to prepare myself, to postpone. I do not want to pass our due date tomorrow with empty arms. I want my babies here with me, particularly when it seems as though everywhere I turn families are being made, carried, born and brought home.

There are so many websites, blogs, books and resources out there for one to 'recover' from grief. I suppose it is the word 'recover' that I take offense to. To recover implies that I am broken, ill, in need of fixing. I suppose that may be true in some sense; but it seems to be my reality that a part of me is broken but will never be fixed. These pieces need to be gently held, acknowledged and incorporated into who I am. I will never be the same person that I was before we lost our first two children. I will never be the same person I was before November 17th at 9:15 when we discovered the loss of our twins. I can only hope that the grief I carry, the grief that is mine alone to bare will allow me, in some way, some shape to become a stronger more faithful child of God. To cling to His promised atonement, love and principles of eternal families. That this grief will work into my being to allow me to become the person that I must be, the person He wants and needs me to be.

I have been keenly aware of Heavenly Father over the last few days. I can feel His gentle love surrounding my heart, padding my soul. There are some pains that are too hard to bear alone; saying goodbye to my children is one of them. He knows these things and He knows that it is by His will that we endure and arrive enlivened and stronger in spirit and faith than before.
Through my grief, I took special care today to spend some time outside. I viewed this world, our land, and our many blessings and tried to do so with an open mind to inspiration and love. I cannot express the comfort I receive from being outside. Nature, our home in particular has been a great source of comfort to me over the past 9 months. This is my refuge, my place of renewal.

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?" ~Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)

Though my heart breaks anew, I am promised that I will be able to hold and love my children someday. Heavenly Father is divine and knows my every need, my every care, and my every thought. He knows that this simple promise will be the one thing that can carry me thought this gauntlet of grief.
For those who are rejoicing, our hearts smile with you, we are so happy for you and your new families. For those who grieve, we know your deepest pain, we hear your heart and we send our love, our faith and our prayers that we will all find peace and comfort during the dark days, that the light will return and that we will meet on the other side to embrace it.

The road we travel

I have been home since Sunday night and the reality of the surgery didn't start to hit me until today. My neck and back pain is gone and has been replaced by a plate and 2 screws! My pain has also been temporarily replaced by foggy drug brain and choking but the pain is less, no more tingling fingers.

Overall, surgery went well and I am glad to be home. I was released 2 days later than originally anticipated and had some unforeseen complications. When the doctor came in on Sunday and told me they were going to keep me until Monday, I revolted! No way! I am done, I am leaving, just tell me what I need to do and I will do it... After a hard push on Sunday and a battery of tests, some pleading and begging on my part, I was released late in the day and able to come sleep in my own house with my animals and the smell of fresh healing country air. I am happy to be home and be back to living my life on my schedule and according to my timeline. It was hard to be gone from home for 2 extra days, extra unplanned days! My Family came to bat with the chores and endless things that needed to be done while I was out.

I started taking over some of my chores today, mainly the milking. I hadn't realized how much I enjoy the time outside, doing things around the house and for the animals. I also didn't realize how many chores there are! We are taking it slowly but are making it work. I am getting up a bit more each day, but like I said, taking it slowly. I have a new pain in the back of my neck, not sure what it is related to but trying not to aggravate it. I figure it must be part of the healing process. I'll take it easier tomorrow and maybe, just maybe I can talk the man into treating me to a short drive to town.

My time in the hospital gave me ample time to reflect on the many blessings I have. On the many ways Heavenly Father has prepared me to be in here, in this position at this time. The way that all of our small travels have gotten us down this road to recovery; not only physical but spiritual and emotional as well. We have come to know in our heart of hearts that we are blessed, blessed to be together and blessed to be living where and how we do. I am over taken by tears when I think of each individual trial, all of our losses and successes that have brought us here. We are on the correct path and only need to follow the road to the end. Endure, that is the final part of the puzzle. Who knew one word could hold so much power...

*****
Adoption:
We had our home visit today. Kelly, our case worker, came by to take a look around the place and chat with us a bit. I had not realized how stressed out I was about having someone come into my home and judge me. I know he isn't 'judging' me per-se and he has done tons of these visits but I wonder what specifically catches his eye and what specifically does he take note of. I wonder what crossed his mind when he realized that he was in the middle of nowhere but not far from town. I know without a doubt that Kelly is called of God to be a Case Worker and that he has been blessed with powers of observation to help make Heavenly Father's families reunite.

I wonder; does he have a sense of the match that will be made? Does he know in some part of his being what type of Birth Family will be attracted to each couple? I wonder how much his job weighs on his mind and how he copes with the excitement and release on a regular basis. We are blessed to be working with Kelly and are grateful for his expertise.

It is funny, we didn't frantically clean or put things away. After just coming home from the hospital the place was a bit rough around the edges compared to how it might normally be, but this is reality! I am glad Kelly was able to look past the cluttered counters and hopefully see the Family we are trying to build. We feel blessed to have met and be working with Kelly. He is an inspiring spirit and a fountain of wisdom. We are humbled that he even considers us worthy to take part in an adoption.

It seems as though we are surrounded by people who just delivered, are pregnant, have just received their placement or will be adopting in the next 2 months. I am thrilled for all of them and wish them the best. It is truly exciting to see so many families being started and completed through this miracle of adoption and at the hand of Heavenly Father and Kelly. We will continue to have faith that Heavenly Father will bless us with our child at the right time and when we are sufficiently prepared. I have faith - I must have faith, for without faith, there can be no hope.

*****
Website:
We have gotten some questions about our website that I thought I would share. Our website is coming along, although not quite on the timeline we expected. Somehow that doesn't surprise me or bother me. It seems as though nothing in our lives travel the anticipated time lines we have set.

Our website will encompass many areas, only one of which is adoption. We already have our blog and very soon will have our profile posted on the LDSFS website. We want Birth Mothers to know as much about us as possible and what a better way then a few pages on a website?! Yes, our profile will be up on LDSFS but we are limited in how much we can share and it can be overwhelming to view so many profiles and blogs while contemplating adoption.

We talk about adoption in our blog but our blog is mainly to share the goings on in our daily lives with friends and family who live far away and want to know about our latest adventure - it also saves me a ton of time in email! The Adoption portion of the website will only be geared towards sharing about us, our lives and families as a Birth Mother would like to know. Don't get me wrong, I want to get our names and information out there so our Mother will be able to find us but we are also private people and like to keep things of our lives private. I cannot imagine handing out business cards and putting magnets on my truck advertising our adoption intent. Dearest Birth Mother, where ever you are, I hope and pray that we will meet soon!

Secondly, we live on a ranch and have Purebred goats that we sell each year. Our website will assist us in selling these animals and will open new opportunities for breeding that may not otherwise be available. Gunner is a stud colt who may or may not remain intact. If we choose not to geld him, we will use the website to promote his stud services.

We also have a "Country Life' Section (this might be the part that I am most excited about!). It will cover gardening, food storage, self sufficiency, our animals, crafts, sewing, recipes, cooking, photography and just general suggestions shared from us and our readers to help teach skills and crafts that will enable one to engage in a self sufficient life and making the most of what you have. We are excited to have this portion of the website dedicated to a lifestyle that we are coming to embrace and so many others want to share.

Changes

So many changes in the last few weeks; nothing ground breaking...

Salem, our sweet adopted kitty disappeared. We think he wandered beyond the boundary that the Guardians protect and became a kitty biscuit for the coyotes.

Ducky, our 13 year old kitty disappeared. We think the HUGE red tail hawk got her because the hawk was hanging around and Ducky never travels far. Being 13 years old, she was unable to out run a hawk.

I have to say: it is all my fault. I take full responsibility. For our adoption home study we had to provide vaccination records for each animal (no small feat when you live on a farm). As we stood in line to get the three cats vaccinated and I looked in dismay at the cost, I said the following to R: "Just watch, I am going to pay $120 for vaccinations for barn cats and in 3 weeks, they will get eaten." Sure enough, they got eaten; I will never say that again.

After 3 weeks of waiting for one or both to return home, we went to the pound to find another kitty. We still have Jasper, the spastic orange tabby given to us by Momma Sherri (R's Mom). We came home with Jake (see photo below). He is just as spastic as Jasper and since they are about the same age, they get along just fine. We are working on fattening Jake up, not for the coyotes but because he was a little on the thin side. He seems to be happy and this weekend we will allow them both to go back outside. Since Salem 'left' our rabbit population has exploded. I feel much better knowing the dog or cat ate the bunnies rather than living with guilty conscience and less ammo.

Shameless plug for our local humane society below:
We have gone to several shelters and rescues over the years but I have to say that the staff at our local Humane Society work harder than most and reap little reward. They were able to meet with us and match us to a kitty in under 30 minutes. AND they have half-price cat day (who knew?!) so Jake was only $12.50 and came with a collar, carry box and a bag of food; I think I might have paid $2.50 for the cat! We may be back in another week or two to get another kitty (3 seems to be a good number around our house).

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The babies are growing and eating more and more. They leave home next weekend. While it will be sad to see them go, I will enjoy not having to feed 3 times a day and I will actually be able to use the milk.

Our dear Phoebe left last weekend - no, no, not a coyote or hawk snack. She was purchased by the Burdick Family of Castle Rock, Colorado. She went to a show home and will be pampered.

Phoebe was our last and final tangible reminder that we lost our twins. We kept her in anticipation of having 4 mouths to feed, then we lost the twins and still had Phoebe. With her gone, I feel like we are finally turning a corner and moving forward. We had our first interview with our case worker two weeks ago and he didn't laugh at us and tell us no, so that was encouraging! We have our second interview scheduled for the end of this month and should be good to go by July.

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The Refiner of Silver

This journey of grief and healing is a private journey; a mountain that I must climb to find true healing and acceptance. Strange as it may sound, I find comfort in knowing that the hill is mine, and only mine to climb. I get to do it at my pace, however I see fit.

Some days I walk through a sunlit forest path. The walking is easy and my burden is light. I know I have traveled far but I am not weary from the journey. The sun warms my skin and the shade cools my brow. I am comforted in knowing that we will see our dear babies again someday; I find sweet joy in the confidence that somewhere out there, our next baby awaits his or her turn to come into our arms, that his or her mother is making choices that will allow that to happen.


On other days I stand surrounded by the mists of despair and look up to the top of the mountain; the things I have yet to feel and overcome; the path that must be followed to be able to embrace our awaiting child with open arms and hearts, and the path seems too much to bear. I feel unworthy and unable to continue. It is these times that I try to remember a few things.



1. The Spirit has guided us to this path toward adoption. We feel the Spirit prompting us each step of the way.

2. He holds us in the palm of his hand, we are not forgotten. He is aware of each thought, each hope and each second of despair. He knows me perfectly and He loves me perfectly. I feel His concern and awareness of me on such an intimate level.

3. Elder Maxwell said it best: "To go to the very edge is possible, of course, only when we believe in an omniscient and omnipotent God. When we understand that all things are present before His eyes and that He knows all things past, present, and future, then we can trust ourselves to Him as we clearly could not to a less than omniscient god who is off somewhere in the firmament doing further research."


Our Missionaries came for dinner last week and Elder Horner shared the following story.
The Refiner of Silver

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire.

If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my reflection in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His reflection in you.