Pumpkins

I was talking to a co-worker this morning about Halloween, weekend plans, weird costumes and weirder people. During our conversation I mentioned that at a training I presented last week, one of the guys came in with homemade Cajun spiced pumpkins seeds.I was surprised that people still do that kind of thing. I remember my Mother making pumpkin seeds once or twice - actually I remember eating them and not the making at all. So, in talking to my friend, I decided that I was going to make pumpkin seeds tonight. Being the adventurous cook that I know her to be, she agreed that it was a good idea and helped me find recipes.

The recipes (posted at the very bottom of this post) call for 1 cup of seeds. Do you have any idea how many cups you get from one pumpkin? Me either, not a clue! So I got 4, just to be safe. I am happy to report that 4 pumpkins is plenty.

So here we go...

I arrived home to find Max munching on leaves.He had a snotty nose and was coughing. It was a 'boogie' nose and was worth calling the vet. We decided that he did not need to make the trip in, but should probably be put on antibiotics. I grained everyone (horses get grain at night in winter), gave Max his antibiotics and went back to the house.

Feeling industrious and wanting to assert my independence now that my neck is doing moderately better, I decided to change the recessed halogen light bulbs in the kitchen. I have no idea how they do it, but flies and moths crawl in there and die. Very small space and not a lot of room - you would think they would be smarter than that. Anyhow, I got that done and cleaned up all of the little bodies and decided that it was time to tackle my next project. Either fix the milking stand or harvest pumpkin seeds. The milk stand weighs about 100 pounds and I can only lift 17, so that was out. Harvesting pumpkin seeds only requires a knife and happen to have several of those!

I set them up on the tailgate and started. I carved two. Not bad at the carving but the harvesting seed part is awful! Have you looked at the inside of a pumpkin recently? It is stringy, sticky, slimy, orange and smells a bit off.  Bleck!

I took the carved face pieces out to the goats to see if they would eat it. Lilly, as usual, picked at it and nibbled a little. Portugal ate a few pieces and decided that she likes grain better. Nephi ate as much as he could but Lacey, the pig kept pushing him out of the way because she loves pumpkin! She loves everything but especially pumpkins! At least I have something to do with the jack-o-lanterns when we are done. R met me at the house and we finished carving and harvesting seeds from the final two pumpkins. I think they turned out very well! What do you think?

I took the seeds inside to start the 'making' process. If there is a simple way to get the seeds cleaned and detached from the gross stringy stuff, I would like to know. That was the hardest part of the whole endeavor and the point at which I almost gave up. If you have an idea, please leave me a comment or email me!

The dogs of course wanted to play and be obnoxious. I am trying to learn to use the video feature on my phone, so here goes:

I set the seeds to soaking while we went to ride. Of course I couldn't ride Max because I am concerned he is getting sick. I am thinking maybe he is allergic to some of the leaves and wood chips that we had delivered last wee and not sick, but we will have to wait until tomorrow. 

R rode Bella and worked on loping around the field. I started Molly and tried to show Mom how to sit the trot with out bouncing around too much. She did a fantastic job and had a great time. She and Molly are a great pair and work very well together. I am constantly amazed at how far they have both come in the last 3 years. I'll try to get some photos next time.

  

When it got dark, we lit the jack-o-lanterns; what do you think?! Success?

 

 

After an few hours I went back in to finish my seeds. I did one Sweet and Spicy and one Garlic and Onion. R really likes the Garlic and Onion! I am planning to take a sampling to the Ward Halloween party tomorrow. The recipe for the Sweet & Spicy is below, for the others I used a bit of oil and the Garlic & Onion seasoning for burgers.

Sweet & Spicy Pumpkin Seeds

Ingredients
1 cup raw cleaned whole pumpkin seeds
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon white sugar
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon white sugar
Directions
Preheat oven to 250 degrees F (120 degrees C).
Place the pumpkin seeds on a cookie sheet, and spread them out into a single layer. Roast until brown and crisp, about 45 minutes. Set the seeds aside in a large bowl.
Place the cinnamon, chili powder, and 1 teaspoon of sugar in a bowl, and set aside.
Place olive oil and 1 tablespoon of sugar in a heavy saucepan over medium-low heat, and heat and stir with a wooden spoon until the sugar turns a light golden brown color. Watch it carefully to avoid burning.
Pour the caramelized sugar mixture over the roasted pumpkin seeds, and stir to coat. Pour the cinnamon-chili powder mixture over the seeds, and toss to coat the seeds with the spices.

The path to the end

After yet another trial, we seek peace and confidence in the path that the Lord has set before us.

I am reminded by my dear friend S, that we do have children; we have six, they are just not with us here on earth. They wait for us in heaven. The hardest trial is yet to come; being faithful and worthy to the end so that we will be able to see them, love them and be joined with them once again.

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering...
~William Wordsworth

I cry for my babies. I cry with gratitude for the opportunity endure to the end and to hold my precious babies again.

It has been 5 years since Dad passed away and while it has gotten easier to bear, the pain can often be sharp and piercing. I am so grateful for our forever family and for the opportunity to be sealed together. The comfort of knowing that we will be together again lessens and pain and dulls the ache.

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say "Goodbye".
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you -
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times
life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today~
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay.
~Author Unknown

Enduring to the end, or remaining faithful to the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ throughout life, is a fundamental requirement for salvation in the kingdom of God. "But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved." Matthew 24:13

LDS.org - Ensign Article - “Behold, We Count Them Happy Which Endure”

Motherhood: An Eternal Partnership with God

In "Motherhood: An Eternal Partnership with God" Elder Jeffrey R. Holland shares an encouraging tribute to mothers who, through both challenges and accomplishments, work in partnership with God to raise His children.

The new addition!

Just a quick note to say "Yay!! Our new baby nephew is here!"

H & A had their fourth child this week; Davin born on Wednesday will be coming home tomorrow. I vaguely remember Grandma saying that he was 20 something inches and 7 pounds 3 ounces give or take - healthy and whole was more my focus! Grandma is helping with the other two kiddos until H & A can settle in with the new little guy. He is so cute and I am anxiously awaiting permission to post one photo!

Down the gauntlet of grief and pain

All of our most personal feelings are related in our journal as they are much to tender to be shared in such a public place. We are careful to share just a glimpse of our lives and nothing too personal so this post was almost not crated. I am not sure why I feel impressed to share, but I do. Until I feel differently, this post will remain.
We are passing through three expected due dates over the next week. Our lost babies from 1997 (girl), 2004 (boy) and our dear sweet twins.

We have been so busy with surgery, recovery, life and adoption that it feels as though this week snuck up on me. I knew it was on the way - I always know, it is carved into my heart. Yet, I am not prepared to say goodbye to my babies again – I need more time to prepare myself, to postpone. I do not want to pass our due date tomorrow with empty arms. I want my babies here with me, particularly when it seems as though everywhere I turn families are being made, carried, born and brought home.

There are so many websites, blogs, books and resources out there for one to 'recover' from grief. I suppose it is the word 'recover' that I take offense to. To recover implies that I am broken, ill, in need of fixing. I suppose that may be true in some sense; but it seems to be my reality that a part of me is broken but will never be fixed. These pieces need to be gently held, acknowledged and incorporated into who I am. I will never be the same person that I was before we lost our first two children. I will never be the same person I was before November 17th at 9:15 when we discovered the loss of our twins. I can only hope that the grief I carry, the grief that is mine alone to bare will allow me, in some way, some shape to become a stronger more faithful child of God. To cling to His promised atonement, love and principles of eternal families. That this grief will work into my being to allow me to become the person that I must be, the person He wants and needs me to be.

I have been keenly aware of Heavenly Father over the last few days. I can feel His gentle love surrounding my heart, padding my soul. There are some pains that are too hard to bear alone; saying goodbye to my children is one of them. He knows these things and He knows that it is by His will that we endure and arrive enlivened and stronger in spirit and faith than before.
Through my grief, I took special care today to spend some time outside. I viewed this world, our land, and our many blessings and tried to do so with an open mind to inspiration and love. I cannot express the comfort I receive from being outside. Nature, our home in particular has been a great source of comfort to me over the past 9 months. This is my refuge, my place of renewal.

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?" ~Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)

Though my heart breaks anew, I am promised that I will be able to hold and love my children someday. Heavenly Father is divine and knows my every need, my every care, and my every thought. He knows that this simple promise will be the one thing that can carry me thought this gauntlet of grief.
For those who are rejoicing, our hearts smile with you, we are so happy for you and your new families. For those who grieve, we know your deepest pain, we hear your heart and we send our love, our faith and our prayers that we will all find peace and comfort during the dark days, that the light will return and that we will meet on the other side to embrace it.

The road we travel

I have been home since Sunday night and the reality of the surgery didn't start to hit me until today. My neck and back pain is gone and has been replaced by a plate and 2 screws! My pain has also been temporarily replaced by foggy drug brain and choking but the pain is less, no more tingling fingers.

Overall, surgery went well and I am glad to be home. I was released 2 days later than originally anticipated and had some unforeseen complications. When the doctor came in on Sunday and told me they were going to keep me until Monday, I revolted! No way! I am done, I am leaving, just tell me what I need to do and I will do it... After a hard push on Sunday and a battery of tests, some pleading and begging on my part, I was released late in the day and able to come sleep in my own house with my animals and the smell of fresh healing country air. I am happy to be home and be back to living my life on my schedule and according to my timeline. It was hard to be gone from home for 2 extra days, extra unplanned days! My Family came to bat with the chores and endless things that needed to be done while I was out.

I started taking over some of my chores today, mainly the milking. I hadn't realized how much I enjoy the time outside, doing things around the house and for the animals. I also didn't realize how many chores there are! We are taking it slowly but are making it work. I am getting up a bit more each day, but like I said, taking it slowly. I have a new pain in the back of my neck, not sure what it is related to but trying not to aggravate it. I figure it must be part of the healing process. I'll take it easier tomorrow and maybe, just maybe I can talk the man into treating me to a short drive to town.

My time in the hospital gave me ample time to reflect on the many blessings I have. On the many ways Heavenly Father has prepared me to be in here, in this position at this time. The way that all of our small travels have gotten us down this road to recovery; not only physical but spiritual and emotional as well. We have come to know in our heart of hearts that we are blessed, blessed to be together and blessed to be living where and how we do. I am over taken by tears when I think of each individual trial, all of our losses and successes that have brought us here. We are on the correct path and only need to follow the road to the end. Endure, that is the final part of the puzzle. Who knew one word could hold so much power...

*****
Adoption:
We had our home visit today. Kelly, our case worker, came by to take a look around the place and chat with us a bit. I had not realized how stressed out I was about having someone come into my home and judge me. I know he isn't 'judging' me per-se and he has done tons of these visits but I wonder what specifically catches his eye and what specifically does he take note of. I wonder what crossed his mind when he realized that he was in the middle of nowhere but not far from town. I know without a doubt that Kelly is called of God to be a Case Worker and that he has been blessed with powers of observation to help make Heavenly Father's families reunite.

I wonder; does he have a sense of the match that will be made? Does he know in some part of his being what type of Birth Family will be attracted to each couple? I wonder how much his job weighs on his mind and how he copes with the excitement and release on a regular basis. We are blessed to be working with Kelly and are grateful for his expertise.

It is funny, we didn't frantically clean or put things away. After just coming home from the hospital the place was a bit rough around the edges compared to how it might normally be, but this is reality! I am glad Kelly was able to look past the cluttered counters and hopefully see the Family we are trying to build. We feel blessed to have met and be working with Kelly. He is an inspiring spirit and a fountain of wisdom. We are humbled that he even considers us worthy to take part in an adoption.

It seems as though we are surrounded by people who just delivered, are pregnant, have just received their placement or will be adopting in the next 2 months. I am thrilled for all of them and wish them the best. It is truly exciting to see so many families being started and completed through this miracle of adoption and at the hand of Heavenly Father and Kelly. We will continue to have faith that Heavenly Father will bless us with our child at the right time and when we are sufficiently prepared. I have faith - I must have faith, for without faith, there can be no hope.

*****
Website:
We have gotten some questions about our website that I thought I would share. Our website is coming along, although not quite on the timeline we expected. Somehow that doesn't surprise me or bother me. It seems as though nothing in our lives travel the anticipated time lines we have set.

Our website will encompass many areas, only one of which is adoption. We already have our blog and very soon will have our profile posted on the LDSFS website. We want Birth Mothers to know as much about us as possible and what a better way then a few pages on a website?! Yes, our profile will be up on LDSFS but we are limited in how much we can share and it can be overwhelming to view so many profiles and blogs while contemplating adoption.

We talk about adoption in our blog but our blog is mainly to share the goings on in our daily lives with friends and family who live far away and want to know about our latest adventure - it also saves me a ton of time in email! The Adoption portion of the website will only be geared towards sharing about us, our lives and families as a Birth Mother would like to know. Don't get me wrong, I want to get our names and information out there so our Mother will be able to find us but we are also private people and like to keep things of our lives private. I cannot imagine handing out business cards and putting magnets on my truck advertising our adoption intent. Dearest Birth Mother, where ever you are, I hope and pray that we will meet soon!

Secondly, we live on a ranch and have Purebred goats that we sell each year. Our website will assist us in selling these animals and will open new opportunities for breeding that may not otherwise be available. Gunner is a stud colt who may or may not remain intact. If we choose not to geld him, we will use the website to promote his stud services.

We also have a "Country Life' Section (this might be the part that I am most excited about!). It will cover gardening, food storage, self sufficiency, our animals, crafts, sewing, recipes, cooking, photography and just general suggestions shared from us and our readers to help teach skills and crafts that will enable one to engage in a self sufficient life and making the most of what you have. We are excited to have this portion of the website dedicated to a lifestyle that we are coming to embrace and so many others want to share.

Surgery... again?!

I took a bad fall back in March and wound up with a badly herniated disc and moderately severe stenosis of the C7 nerve root and spinal cord. In English, I fell and hurt my neck, badly. The pressure from the herniated disc is pushing on the nerves that control my left shoulder, arm and hand. It is also pushing on the spinal cord. They did a grip test, 95 pounds of pressure in my right hand (average for women if 78 - I am super woman!) 35 pounds of pressure in my left hand (average for women is 68 - I am wimpy). I have muscle weakness in my arms also - I dropped the cat. They tried the grip test again after traction and I had 95 and 65, so improved but not nearly as much as they expected. Based on my right arm, they would expect my left to be somewhere around 87ish. We have tried physical therapy, chiropractic, traction, modified duty and massage to no avail. Drat! On the plus side, I lost 3 more pounds from stress and being on pain killers. Silver lining people - we always need to look for the silver lining!

So tomorrow midday, I will be going to Medical Center of the Rockies and will be having a fusion of the C6/C7 vertebrae tomorrow. I have done my research on what and how they will do what they do, but it is still a new surgery involving nerves and other such delicate body parts that I would rather not have a doctor poking and prodding.

We are not sure at this point if I will be required to stay over night, we are hoping that I will be released to spend the night at home. I am grounded at home for the next two weeks. If you have any great suggestions on movies, books, crafts or TV shows I can watch online, please, please let me know! We will keep you posted on progress and prognosis as we can.

*****

I ran across this blog http://www.gulleygreenhouse.blogspot.com/ when they sent their new weekly email. I know some of you are out of the area, but their blog is totally worth a look-see. They have a great recipes, gardening tips and craft ideas. I love the idea they posted today 'Pounded Flower Prints' and want to try it this week with Mom and Makaela!

*****

Our adoption interview is back on and scheduled for Tuesday. Luckily they decided to do the home visit because we live so far away, but it also works well for me because I can't leave the house! We have a bit more paperwork to do and a lot of interviewing, but we are back on track and hopeful that July 9th is still the 'go live' date for us.

Through it all

With all of the animals we have, it seems that one or two are always hurt, sick, or otherwise suffering from some ailment or other.

This the the story over the last few weeks/months:
Sky is still blind; in case you were not aware, glaucoma is not reversible. So she gets eye drops twice daily and blood pressure pill and fish oil in the evening. Being that she is only 6, we have many years to perfect our pill giving and eye dropping. One thing in Sky's credit - she is a whole lot easier to treat than Bella was when she tore her eye lid 4 years ago. Perhaps it has something to do with the 45pound dog vs. 1500 pound horse thing... Hmmm, good food for thought!

Dozer went in to the vet 2 weeks ago for a bad tummy rash. They determined that he is allergic to 'something'. Whatever that something is has yet to be determined. He was on antibiotics and benadryl three times a day for a week. The infection part of the rash is gone but he still has a rash. So Dozer gets benadryl twice daily; not that he minds daily hot dogs or cheese slices. He is up to 56.6 pounds at 2 years old. I hope he stops growing soon, but the vet said to expect another 10-15 pounds. Note to self - start working out again, specifically weight lifting!

Shigom went into the vet 4 months ago after Dozer ran into her and badly bruised her shoulder. Then Max attacked her - Yes, the horse attacked the dog! It was horrible and hences I must share my horror... I had fed Max (grain and hay) and Shigom was sneaking in the stall to eat the grain while I was brushing him. Well, he was occupied and 'Mom' was near so he was minding his manners and being the sweet 2000 pound baby I know him to be. I finished what I was doing and turned to leave. Shigom made one last attempt for a bite and Max reared up and tried to stomp on her. Luckily he missed and just knocked her over. Next thing I knew he had her in his mouth and threw her 6 feet into the air and slammed her against the barn wall. I screamed to distract Max and Shigom was yowling - a sound I have never heard before. I ran in (in hind sight that was not the smartest thing I could do but... Shigom is my sweet, sweet girl) I got Shigom out and we locked the other dogs in the unused goat pen so I could assess the damage. I fully expected a broken back, missing flesh and lots of blood. I prayed from the moment I screamed "God, please let my dog be OK, please let my dog be OK." It was the prayer of a desperate child and that is exactly how I felt. It is nothing short of a miracle and I, still today, stand all amazed - not a mark on her, no broken bones, no blood just a bruise and some swelling. Her limp went away after a few days and then of course, Dozer ran into her again (he is a bit clumsy - think of a bull dozer turning - now you know how he got his name). Now, she is limping again so she gets a pain pill once a day.

Bella punctured her inner thigh and has edema under her belly from getting struck. What happened, you ask? She stepped on a pitch fork and the the handle hit her belly and the tine of the fork punctured her thigh. So the vet came out last night to check her over. $171 later she is fine, a bit sore and getting a betadine rinse twice a day.

We vaccinated all three horses yesterday (this is when we discovered Bella's issue). We checked on them this morning and everyone was fine. Tonight, just in time for dinner, Max started having issues. He was showing neurological issues (stumbling, twitching, eyes rolling, heavy breathing). Luckily he was only having a reaction to the West Nile vaccine and not a major issue. I called our wonderful the vet yet again and we did a phone consult. With hot packs and banamine and butte he pulled out of it just fine.

Where am I headed with all of these part stories? I should have gone to vet school the way I wanted to when I was 11. I may not make any money but I sure would have saved a dollar or two! We are faced with endless crisis and endless worry and endless love for our animals. Through it all - we pray.

*****
We talked yesterday about how being too busy to ride and that perhaps we should sell the horses. We both just looked at each other for a moment to two and then burst out laughing. Knowing us, that is the most ridiculous idea I have ever come up with. Not quite as bad as moving to Alaska, but close. We have recommitted ourselves to living the life we want, kids or not. We live on a farm because we love the space and privacy. There is always something to do (chores) and we enjoy working on building our dream. These are some of the reasons I love our place. This is the land of my heart and the haven of my soul. Through it all - we pray




















Our second adoption interview was cancelled due to a baby being born and placement taking place. At first I was disappointed and heart broken to be pushed into the back seat yet again. But after a family consultation I realized that it is a wonderful thing; how could I have been so selfish as to miss it?! Someone is being reunited with their child! Somewhere two families are becoming one to raise and care for a chosen child of God.

I know our time will come and we will have our time to be that couple. We want so desperately to be parents and to raise and love a child. I hope that our Birth Mother is preparing and realizing that there is a plan for us, someday we will meet and renew a friendship that started long before these present moments. I am so humbled that adoption is a process that we are able to go through and that some way, some how, we will be chosen to be parents to a very special child. I hope our Birth Mother knows that we pray for her daily, even now when our placement is so far off and our paper work is not complete - we pray. Through it all - we pray.

Where ever you are, what ever your circumstance, we love you and will love you the best way we know how. Through it all - we pray

Our petting zoo and little boys

I work with a brilliant engineer named Randy; we share a cube wall. He has three grown kids and two grandsons. Whenever his grandsons come to the office with him, you will find them in my cube talking about animals, trees, bugs and other such interesting things that little boys enjoy. Nick is 5 and Nathan is 2.

On a whim, invited Randy to bring his grandsons out to our place to feed the baby goats and play with the horses. He called on Saturday afternoon and brought the boys out with their dad, Jake, and aunt, Katie, (Randy's son and daughter).

While they were here, out neighbor to the south was doing some target practice and one of the Guardians came over to say hello. He is the big white dog in the photo and his name is Rock. I thought I would share some of my favorite photos from their visit.

I had a great time with the kids and it reminded me of our babies, all four that we have lost. Our sweet twins, I miss them so much but I am grateful for the time we had with them and the lessons we have learned since their loss. We are traveling on a path that we may not have found otherwise.

Watching these little boys renews my faith that Heavenly Father has a child waiting for us and a Birth Mother who we know from another place in time. I know that some way, some how, we will find each other and be able to start our own family through the miracle of adoption. I pray that we will be connected and be able to recognize each other.

It does my heart good to be around little children and to be reminded of their unconditional love and their thirst for knowledge.

Babies, babies, babies!

Both Lilly and Lacey had their kids this weekend!

Lacey had twins; Midnight Lace and Chantilly Lace. Lilly had a single doeling; Dawn Lilly. We are so lucky and they are so cute.


Stout Ranch Midnight Lace




















Stout Ranch Chantilly Lace




















Stout Ranch Dawn Lilly




















We have already sold all three to a wonderful family in Sterling who will be picking them up in 4 weeks. The Dill Family has small children who want to bottle feed the babies and can't wait until school is out so they can start.

************************************************************

It feels strange to be giving them up when we have spent the last 5 months bonding to them and watching them grow inside their mothers; to witness their births and feed them and cuddle them for the next 4 weeks. It will be a sad and joyous day when they go to their new homes. I have faith that they will be well cared for and that this is the right choice to make. We can't keep them and they will have a wonderful home. As small as this heartache is for us, it provides a small taste of what Birth Mothers must go through. I have so much love and respect for the Mother who will someday choose us to raise and parent her child.

He Lives

Occasionally the Church sends out new messages to spread the word. We enjoy these messages even as members; they are a great way for us to shore up our testimonies and remember why we are here and why we are doing the things that we are doing.


Watch a new Mormon Messages video, "He Lives " to see and hear modern-day Apostles testify that Jesus Christ is the Savior and that He lives today.

*************************************************************

Our first adoption meeting is scheduled for the end of the month. I am nervous. All of a sudden I am having insecurities pop up that I was not aware I had; What if they don't like us? What if we live too far out of town? What if... What if... I have to keep reminding myself that we are guided on this path and that we receive daily promptings that this is the path we are to follow. Our faith will sustain us. We know there is a Mother and Child out there for us and that some how, some time we will find each other.

Our baby goats are due in 2 weeks! It is getting closer and my excitement is growing. what kind of babies will we have? What will they look like and what will their personalities be?! I am so excited! (remind me that I said that when I am complaining of lack of sleep!

Road trip!

I had a job in Walden last week and during one of the nicest days we have had yet this year, I was able to drive our zippy little work car over the mountains. It was my first time ever going over Cameron Pass, which as you can see, still has quite a bit of snow. I was surprised but it makes sense since it is so high!

I can say that I got a little turned around having the mountains on the east instead of the west!

There was a lot of evidence of pine beetles - instead of green the mountains are a dark purple color. The dark is from the green live trees and the purple is from the dead and dying trees. It is so sad to see so many trees dying from a small bug...

The folks in Walden sure are nice people. There isn't much to do in Walden, but I hope we can at least take a family road trip to Cameron Pass at some point. Days like that remind me of why we love Colorado!

Hafley Reunion 2009 - better late than never!

We went to California last summer for the Hafley Family reunion. It was Grandma and Grandpa's 55th wedding anniversary and Grandpa's 80th birthday. Sherri had been planning the reunion for almost 2 years and I believe that only 2 grand kids didn't make it out.

We flew out for a long weekend and left all of the animals at home, stayed in a 5 star bed and breakfast and got to catch up with the family that we love. We stayed close to where we both grew up and visited many of the places that we saw on our honeymoon. It was nice to visit our old haunts after being married for 12 years - although we did not tempt another canoe ride.

Why am I posting this so late, you may ask - well here goes... I took almost 200 photos while we were there and loaded them onto the computer when we came home. Within two days, before I could even make a back up, a virus got to them and corrupted all of the photos. I have been researching for the last 8 months on how to recover them; no luck. Everyone, even the super computer geeks, have told me that they are gone. So last night while I was up with my cold I decided to try one last time. and Voila!

Sherri and Carl - What can I say? I have the best in-laws ever!

Grandma and Grandpa still committed after 55 years of marriage.

The whole Hafley gang. We are in the top left corner with Sherri and Carl. Jasmine is on Grandpa's lap and Riley is on the floor in front. Anthony was unable to come and Jason left early.
And a couple photos of the ocean.

Our little buddy we found on the beach one morning. So cute and soft looking, he took a bite out of my leather boots!

The Refiner of Silver

This journey of grief and healing is a private journey; a mountain that I must climb to find true healing and acceptance. Strange as it may sound, I find comfort in knowing that the hill is mine, and only mine to climb. I get to do it at my pace, however I see fit.

Some days I walk through a sunlit forest path. The walking is easy and my burden is light. I know I have traveled far but I am not weary from the journey. The sun warms my skin and the shade cools my brow. I am comforted in knowing that we will see our dear babies again someday; I find sweet joy in the confidence that somewhere out there, our next baby awaits his or her turn to come into our arms, that his or her mother is making choices that will allow that to happen.


On other days I stand surrounded by the mists of despair and look up to the top of the mountain; the things I have yet to feel and overcome; the path that must be followed to be able to embrace our awaiting child with open arms and hearts, and the path seems too much to bear. I feel unworthy and unable to continue. It is these times that I try to remember a few things.



1. The Spirit has guided us to this path toward adoption. We feel the Spirit prompting us each step of the way.

2. He holds us in the palm of his hand, we are not forgotten. He is aware of each thought, each hope and each second of despair. He knows me perfectly and He loves me perfectly. I feel His concern and awareness of me on such an intimate level.

3. Elder Maxwell said it best: "To go to the very edge is possible, of course, only when we believe in an omniscient and omnipotent God. When we understand that all things are present before His eyes and that He knows all things past, present, and future, then we can trust ourselves to Him as we clearly could not to a less than omniscient god who is off somewhere in the firmament doing further research."


Our Missionaries came for dinner last week and Elder Horner shared the following story.
The Refiner of Silver

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire.

If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my reflection in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His reflection in you.