Healing and progressing

We have a had a busy few weeks! I was gearing up to have a barrage of medical check-ups and go back to work and R has been trying to keep a leash on me! So, here is the latest update...

We went to see the surgeon last Friday. Of course there was the waiting room with oldies playing and all of the 'pain update' paperwork to fill out. They want to know all kinds of things like, how long can you sit in a chair before you start hurting, how long can you stand, drive, read, etc. They also check on the status of your personal care i.e. do you need help dressing, doing your hair, makeup, shoes. I laughed out loud because I haven't done my hair since the beginning of December and haven't worn makeup since November! On those two questions I put a big question mark and smiling face. ? :-)

Anyhow, when I finally got in to see him we chatted about how I am feeling and the activities I have been participating in. I haven't been doing much so it was a short conversation! He pulled out the two x-rays and studied them for a moment. He said "Huh..." Meanwhile I am sitting in a chair behind him freaking out! Huh... Huh? Huh, what? Huh, good or huh, bad? ACK! Finally he turns around and says "I am stumped." Being out of patience, I said 'Ok, Doctor B. You said 'huh...' and now you are stumped, which is great but it is my neck holding my head up, so spill it!' He said 'Hop up here on the table and I'll tell you while I check it out.'

I did as he requested and he proceeded to tell me that it appears that the front of the fusion, you remember, the one from last June, is starting to fuse. What?! Yes, starting to fuse after 10 months of no bone growth at all. He said "I have never seen anything like it. It is unheard of for a fusion that old to start healing. I can't explain it." I smiled! I can explain it - I got a blessing, many blessings actually, that are predicated on my faith, of which I have an abundance. I was instructed to study and learn the lessons that I need to learn from this experience and I have been doing so. - I should apologize for not sharing any more of my lessons, but they suddenly became very personal and precious. Being such, they were inappropriate for me to share on such a public forum. - So, great news; I am healing!

My incision goes from my hairline strait down about 4 inches and across the base of my neck/shoulders about 4 inches (like a big T). Then there is a hole the size of a pencil eraser, which is now closed, about 4 inches to the left of the base of the T. It is bright pink, as with most newly forming scars. I believe it will be a while before I am comfortable wearing my hair up in public.

I asked about work and he said no, not just no, but emphatically no! I am only 4-5 weeks out of surgery and I need to be 8-12 before the bones have healed enough to start being really active again. So, 6 more weeks. He wants a CAT Scan at that point and those results will enable him to better determine how fast I can increase my activities.

Check out my metal!



The original plate and 4 screws are in the middle, each side has a clamp, rod and 2 additional screws.
R likes to say I am much like a walking hardware store!
Yes - I did notice that they are crooked - but if you know me, you will know it is fitting!

Ready for even more great news?! I saw the vocal cord doc on Monday and he said that my vocal cords are 100% physically healed! Woohoo! Here is the only bad news of the entire situation over the last week... I saw the speech therapist for a check up and a battery of tests. I didn't pass so she wants to keep seeing me. We need to work on a few things and in time, I should be 100%. So bad news but not terrible! Part of my homework is to read out loud for 10-15 minutes each day. Today, Dozer and I lazed in bed and read a Nora Roberts book. Dozer loved it, he is such a romantic! Perhaps it was the tummy scratching, but I choose to believe he likes romance... I have been reading a lot, not just romance, but a nice variety of books. If you have any suggestions, let me know - I am always looking for new reads!!

I have also been doing some embroidery. I gifted a cute little heart to my Mom, now am working on a fantastic little piggy banner. I didn't take a photo of the first one but I will take a photo of the piggies when it is done!

JoAnn's had a sale a few weeks ago and R took me down to browse. I picked out a pretty skirt pattern and he picked out some really nice tan fabric with embroidered fabric. May I just say that he has some very expensive taste?! I am too scared to even take it out of the bag to wash it! I imagine I will be doing just that over the next few days since I need to have it done by April and I haven't sewn anything in years. I did get the machine out and it works well. I've been practicing on a pillowcase doll that I made for, Jasmine, R's little sister's baptism in May. When I get that done, I will post a photo! I want to wear the skirt to Mom's Easter singing program. They started practicing last weekend; there are 160 people in the choir and they sing like angels! I am still hoping to get some photos and a video when they perform. I would really like to make a new outfit for Jasmine's baptism in May. The question is - skirt or dress? plain or floral? Bright or subdued?

We joined Facebook last August; the peer pressure was too great to resist! It is a neat tool for keeping in touch but I still find it odd how some people use it like a journal. There are some things that you should not share with hundreds of people... We share, but as on here, we are very selective in what we share. It is fascinating none the less!

We have had a few 'almost' adoption situations over the past month - 4 to be exact. As frustrating as it can be, we are still trying to be patient and calm. Everything in God's time, not mine. Our Birth parents are out there and we will be reunited at some point. We have been chosen and then rejected, almost chosen and had an opportunity slip through our fingers due to technicalities. Through it all, we know that all of these things have happened for the same reason - it was not meant to be. Those situations were never meant to be ours. We continue to serve through Colorado FSA and I actually got to write a blog post on February 15th!

Endure

I started studying on Friday afternoon, as instructed by my last two blessings. I stand in awe of what I learned in such a short afternoon. I have been brought to tears and touched so sweetly by the Spirit; I am So grateful for the Gospel and the bits I have been blessed to learn. I am digesting and pondering this simple lesson in preparation for the lessons yet to come. I am so blessed to be able to understand. I did not know I had such depths to my simple being.

Much of what I learned came from the first chapter of "If Thou Endure It Well" by President Neal A. Maxwell. Some here is paraphrased from his book, some a direct excerpt and some just my thoughts on this first step in what I can tell will be a long road to understanding the lesson I am meant to learn.

In Mosiah 23:21 and Abraham 3:25 God said that He would structure mortality to be a proving and testing experience. "The challenges differ for each of us. The configuration and weight of our own yoke of afflictions vary during the journey of discipleship such as the differing seasons of our individual lives. Unvarying, however, is the reality that only by taking upon us the yoke Jesus assigns to us, and then enduring, will we learn most deeply of Him, love Him the more and become more like Him." (page 3)

What does it truly mean in Matthew 11:30 'For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light'? According to Alma 31:38 the most profound relief awaits to be claimed: our afflictions can be 'swallowed up in the joy of Christ'. Only then will we understand the true meaning and the yoke and it's burdens will be made easy and light.

I shared this poem many months ago and feel that it fits well here as it came to mind during my reading this afternoon and I was prompted to reread it.

The Refiner of Silver
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.


As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.


The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire.


If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.


The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my reflection in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His reflection in you.

President Maxwell relates the following "Thus enduring well is clearly and essential part of mortality's planned refining process. Refining requires heat. Refining also requires time. Furthermore, if whatever constitutes "it" is to be endured well, refining also requires of it's recipients a genuine and continuing confidence in the Refiner. The painful and sometimes protracted process of refining is thus necessary in order to identify, separate, and cast off the dross... It is not only the dross impurities that must go but also coarseness of all kinds. This is necessary in order for us to develop the highest forms of personality and character." This passage leaves me to ponder 'what dross impurities do I need to cast off?'

"Some refining and defining moments do seem to come upon us suddenly. Yet even what may seem to be sudden trials or defining moments may have been building in quiet crescendo for a long time. In any case there is no quick fix and no easy, mortal equivalent of the speedy microwave oven. Even if there were, would we be willing to trade the higher speed for the higher heat? The fiery trials are warm enough as it is. Besides, refining occurs gradually "in a process of time.""

"It follows, then, that you and I cannot really expect to glide through life, coolly air conditioned, while naively petitioning "Lord, give me experience but not grief, a deeper appreciation of happiness but not deeper sorrow, joy in comfort but not in pain, more capacity to overcome but not more opposition: and please do not let me ever feel perplexed while on thine errand. Then let me come quickly and dwell with thee and fully share thy joy."" I know that one cannot experience the deepest joy without having known the deepest pain, otherwise how would one be able to measure and compare? What would you use as the measuring stick?

God knows all outcomes beforehand. So the experience of this mortal experience are solely for our purposes and growth. To hold us accountable for our actions and experiences during the mortal experience, we will go on record with the Lord as to the degree to which we have risen to meet the challenges of life. It will also allow each of us to see and know whether or not we have been successful in rising to the challenges. We must know, as Philippians 3:10 explains, we must endure for there is no free admission to the 'fellowship of His sufferings.'

"We need to endure a mix of trials. Some of these will be short and severs, others long and hard." Winston Churchill said 'We need to learn to be equally good at what is short and sharp and what is long and tough'." I pondered this today and realized that I am fairly good at handling the short and sharp, I bear down and push through for the pain, whatever type it may be, is short lived. I am not as well versed with the long and hard. Is this why so many loved ones have been taken in the past few years?

Daniel 3:25 reminds us that we are not alone in the furnace of our afflictions and D&C 14:7 explains that if we endure well now, we will receive the greatest gift later; eternal life. We need to keep these things in perspective now if we are to endure it well.

President Maxwell continues "Can we learn to keep "all these things" in perspective? Difficult as this can be, this is the course on which our faith must impel us if we are to endure it well. If we do not cling to this perspective, how can we expect to function fully and effectively in eternity without an acquired sense of proportion concerning which things matter most?... The perspective particularly achieved by those who endure it well includes learning how to distinguish between what is big and what is small."

We are here to learn to distinguish between the things that matter most and those that matter little, those things that are big and those things that are small. Without this mortal learning experience, how else would be be able to learn to make such important distinctions?

President Maxwell goes on to explain that "Mortality therefore is not a convenient, suburban, drive-around beltway with a view. Instead it passes slowly through life's inner city. Daily it involves real perspiration, real perplexity, real choosing, real suffering - and real refining! Thus by its very nature the crucial process of refining cannot occur without our enduring."

"Christ cannot perform our personal refining and enduring for us. He bore that huge, atoning portion - our sins - which we could not bear. Now He offers his grace to help us endure our smaller portion, the painful refining process in which He separates the sin, which He hates, from His children, whom He loves." We have such a difficult time with our easier portion, who can truly imagine what the price would be without Christ's assistance? He performed the hardest part on our behalf and now, when we are put to the test, He still offers assistance in the form of His grace.

"Ironically, often the most difficult part of enduring is choosing to begin the journey. We can pause too long as we contemplate this challenge or delay too long before we plunge into the process, causing too much needless trembling of the soul. It is vital therefore that we commence and then "continue as we commenced"." As with any journey that entails a trial of faith and and exercising of our character, I can imagine that we might all be hesitant to take the first steps. However, we all did choose to begin. Remember? We shouted for joy over the plan! We chose to begin by obtaining our second estate, our bodies. We have all already begun this journey. The hardest part is over; the choosing to begin. Now we must hold onto the path that we know is right. We must continue on and endure...

I know there is much more for me to learn during my study. Nothing so important could be learned in one single afternoon. I feel as if my blessing removed a tarp from the dark corner of the garage in my soul only to reveal a huge drum containing, what I presume to be, lessons for me to learn. This lesson enabled me to wipe the dust from the top of the drum to see that, yes it is a big drum and the label reads "Lessons for C'. I recounted this post to my Mom, she cried as I did so. Perhaps these lessons are not only meant for me, but also for some of those that I know?

Another lesson? Really?!

As I sit here watching time go by, at home on 'no activity' restrictions from the doctor I pray for further understanding and enlightenment on life in general and the things we endure. I spend time watching TV, reading, surfing the net, walking the horses & dogs, feeding & watering animals, sleeping, attending appointments and all the while I find myself anxiously awaiting word of the next and hopefully final surgery. This journey of having a broken neck, having surgeries, therapies and essentially after 10 months needing one more surgery has left me feeling confused and discouraged. Why would my first fusion not fuse? Why would this drag out for 10 months, and I am not even done yet? In my heart I know we are almost done. One more surgery, some rods and clamps then on to recovery!

I have gotten blessings before each procedure and I know that this particular path is meant to teach a lesson. But what could that be? What can a broken neck possibly teach me that I could not learn any other way? I am having horseback riding withdrawals! I need to work! I want to be able to carry my end of this marriage partnership! We have goat kids due in two months and I need to prepare! Gunner needs work so I can start him this summer!

I received a blessing a few weeks ago that shed some light on the 'Why' of this journey. The take away message: there is a lesson to learn from all of this and through study and prayer, I will learn that lesson. May I just say 'duh', OK, got that out of my system... Hmmm, a lesson. I was given a few hints on where to start my studies, but still, hmmm. Did I not already know that there was a lesson in this experience?! Why could Heavenly Father not just tell me what the lesson is? Or provide a few more easy to understand hints along the way? I would like to request a maze leading me to the lesson - much like the ones found on the back of the kid's menu at Denny's.

Well, I am always up for a challenge! Hidden lesson and meaning to this experience? Okie-dokie. Study and pray to find the answer? No problemo. When I figure it all out, if it is appropriate, I will share it with you. In the mean time, I would like to leave you with a few of my favorite websites:
Tasty Kitchen
Pioneer Woman
Food Storage
The Doctors
Cheese Making
Mexican Made Easy
Paula Deen

Glancing back & Looking forward

Another year has come and gone. As we look back on 2010 we remember it fondly and anxious wait to see what the new year brings. We have loved, watched our Gunner (Monkey) grow, were broken and got back up, made a lot of money on goats and invested in more! We gained family and lost family; gained a brother and sister, lost our second set of twins. We were approved to adopt. 2010 was a big year with a lot of adventures; as we are sad to see it end, we are excited to see what is coming our way!

We had a friend ask if we were making any resolutions. Simple answer: nope! The next question was 'why not'. We have plans and we already know where we need to go and in general, how we will get there. We know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, we know in general what the plan is and the path to get there. We know the path but we don't know every step and we are still surprised at how things work out. Will 2011 reunite us with our family (child and his/her Birth family)? Only Heavenly Father knows and we will continue to follow his gentler promptings.

Another friend asked if we are trying to be the perfect couple, put on a 'good face', if our blog is really who we are. Yep, this is us - in all of our imperfect and goofy glory. She then asked if our blog was an adoption blog: nope! Our blog started one day when I wrote the same email (with minor changes) and sent it to 5 different family members. I decided that it was ridiculous and we wanted a place where we could share what we want and keep private other things. She asked why our blog is public. When we started we didn't know how to make it private and I wasn't sure our Moms and my Uncle Ed would know how to log in! Besides we now have lots followers from other countries and we get a lot of emails from people that we would never correspond with if our blog was private. 'Do all of our friends follow our blog?' Nope, only a few friends know we have a blog. Like I said, we are fairly private and while we love our friends, we are selective with whom and what we share. 'But you just said your blog was public.' Yes, but how many people that read our blog actually know us in person? About 6!

What do we have planned for 2011.
First: C will undergo her final surgery to fix her neck; this will hopefully happen in the next 4 weeks.
Second: we will travel to California so R can baptize his little sister.
Third: we will do some serious riding this summer and will start Gunner.
Fourth: who knows; we haven't thought that far ahead!

Our wish for you:
"May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires.
May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had, forget your home address!
In simple words ............
May 2011 be the best year of your life!!!"

Wedding and Ward changes

We went to the wedding of one of dear friend's this weekend; JP Chavez and Monica Edwin. We are so happy for JP and Monica, they have waited so long!

The wedding was beautiful and had an autumn theme throughout and was quite spectacular with live music and singing through the ceremony. They had a pianist, harpist, guitarist, flutist and two singers. The bridesmaid dresses were light brown, which when I heard about it I thought it would be less than nice to say the least. I pictured paper bags and burlap sacks - silly I know, but I really had nothing to go on. The dresses were light gauze with satin slips - very classy! You can see one of the dresses on the far left of the photo. The brides dress was very pretty and strapless. She didn't have a long train or veil but her brilliant red hair was curled and done up with bling clips.





It has been some time since we attended a wedding and this one was so special. JP and Monica are devout Christians, although not LDS, and through their belief in Christ, they saved themselves for marriage. An unusual thing in these days and even more so since they are both in their 30s. The ceremony was prayerful and devoted to the Lord. We feel honored to have been part. It is with bitter sweet feelings that I recount the wedding ceremony. It was very obvious to me, having been sealed for eternity, when the preacher said 'til death do you part or Christ returns.' I have never heard the Christ returns part before but it was said several times during the ceremony. They are so in love and have such faith that it makes me cry to think that they are not sealed for eternity. I am so sad for them. I wish they could have all of the blessings that the Gospel can offer. SO... We have decided that as soon as they return from their honeymoon we will invite them to church with us.

You can see the love in their faces! They are such a wonderful couple and we are honored to know them. Their faith in Christ has carried to the to their wedding day and will carry them through many years to come. We wish them the best for a long and happy future.

Speaking of church...
They diced up our Ward like a pie last night. We and 5 other families are now members of the Windsor Ward, which if you look at a map of the Stake and Ward boundaries, it does not make sense. Our dear neighbors and newly baptized members, the Carters, are struggling with the change. Sandee hasn't stopped crying for two days. I shared some of the following with her in an effort to comfort her.

I was shocked at first because we loved our Ward, the people, my calling was perfect and we had great activities that made us not feel out of place because we live in the boondocks. We all know that once we start to feel comfortable, the Lord gives us changes and challenges to stretch us. I guess I should have acted a bit more uncomfortable!

We met the Stake President when we renewed our recommends this past February and we found him to be a wonderful and caring man. I have a sense of comfort that Windsor Ward (our new Ward) will be very well organized since it is his home ward! Since Windsor was not cut, I anticipate it will take them a bit to find us callings and get used to having members in the boondocks! We will find our place, all will be well.
After speaking to one of the brethren it was made clear to me through his words and prayer that we are a very important part of the Windsor Ward. You see, they have property to build a new church in Windsor but do not have the membership to support it. They added us to help their Ward grow to the north so that we may be able to build a new building for the Lord. We have been chosen!
I have been praying since last night and I feel strongly that this move is mean to make us stronger in some way. This is an opportunity to learn and grow. There is a lesson waiting for us in Windsor Ward, a lesson that will help us to grow in faith, strengthen our testimonies, become more self-sufficient and to allow us to participate in a great work for the Lord. I miss so dearly my friends, seeing them every Sunday and visiting each month but the Lord knows that we need someone in Windsor Ward and someone in Windsor Ward is needing us. it is our jobs to be faithful and of good cheer so that we can recognize it when the Spirit prompts us.

The best part, the part that puts my heart at ease is this - the time may change, the people may change but the Gospel is always the same no matter the building, time, people or Ward; the Gospel is always the same. We will find our home in the Windsor Ward.

A minor setback, a lesson and a blessing

I went to the doctor in tears on Monday morning. When my neck gets bad is causes a cascade of other issues like migraine headaches, numb arms, swollen hands, aching back, trouble sleeping and a bad case of the grumpies. Each of those issues cause more issues like lack of enthusiasm and a worse case of the grumpies.

So, I got there at 7:15 in tears and sat in the parking lot crying until they opened the door at 7:50. I saw the Doctor, who I might mention is wonderful, compassionate, understanding and very, very, very good at whatt she does. She gave me an anti-inflammatory medicine shot and sent me over to therapy for some massage and stretching.

Two things I would lie to share with you 1. the anti-inflammatory shot is wonderful and kicks in in 20 minutes. 2. it stings like nothing I have ever felt before - mind boggling stinging. 3. it is a shot in the butt. Not the hip, they do it square on the smooshy part of your bottom. Did I mention that it stings?! Yeah, now you get the idea!

Anyhow, I took 2 pain pills and sat in the Jacuzzi at the Senior Center for an hour. No, I am not a senior, not even close, but it is the only place that one can completely relax when in severe pain because there is a lifeguard on duty. It was wonderful. I drove home for the first time since March 3rd without any pain at all. Amazing!

At my follow-up this morning, she put me on the same medicine as yesterday only in pill form. You only have to poke me once to convince me that waiting 45 minutes for it to kick in instead of 20 is not such a bad deal! I return to work tomorrow and hopefully this is the last setback on the long road to recovery.

I recently ad someone ask - 'knowing what you know now, would you have surgery again?' My answer 'YES!' The pain before was from nerve damage and impingement, which if you have never experienced, I hope you never have to. If you have had it (say a root canal) multiply that by 20. If affected my arm and hand movement, coordination and strength and right before surgery was starting to affect my legs. I still have a numb place on my hip/thigh that I can't feel. Nerve pain and the affects of that are awful, muscle pain and inflammation - easy peasy. This will pass, it is all a part of getting better and I know that. Before, I was getting worse and there was no possible way to get better.

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On to something more fun. Goats!

We purchased Nephi to breed to our does and possibly to offer breeding to others in our area. The interest has been outstanding and lucky for us, he likes his job. He has already paid for himself, which is the whole idea. We make a little money each year off the kids but for the most part, the sale of the kids pays for the hay and vaccines for the adults. Milk is an extra bonus.

We have had Lacey in with him for a month and she just cycled last week, we will know by the end of this month if it took or not. I left her in with him because he is still a baby (11 months) and he has become very attached to her. I know that at some point in the next month or two he will have to move over to the 'Love Shack' alone - ah, the sad, sad life of a bachelor! I just put Lilly in with him and hope that she will cycle this month. That would allow us to have staggered kidding, which would be nice for a change. This whole breeding this is new to me and I hope to figure it all out in the next year!

A lesson and a blessing
We just found out that one of our kids from this year, Midnight, has been given away to a new home. I know, given away?! I freaked out. What if she is abused or worse - eaten!

No need to panic, I am such a fool. She has been given to a home with a small child with Downs Syndrome. He loves Midnight and she is doing very well. Animals can bring such joy and healing, even healing that is inexplicable to doctors. They are more in tune with the subtle changes and delicate spirits of those with disabilities. Will I miss Midnight, yes without a doubt. Does she belong to this small boy, yes - it was destined to be before she was even born. It humbles me to know that my sweet little goat may help this dear child. What a blessing for us both.

How arrogant was I to be upset?! How arrogant to think she was mine?! Lesson learned. I was merely a vessel to get this little goat to this little boy. Heavenly Father's hand is so entwined in my life and I must learn to trust Him, He will not lead me astray. Thank you Lori for helping me learn this lesson!

A Debt Paid

In Jerry Bridges' book The Gospel for Real Life it states the following:

“The purpose of this book is to explore those unsearchable riches. To appreciate them, however, we need to look briefly at our sinful condition. Though we live in a time when people don’t like to talk about sin, only those who understand to some degree the enormity of their spiritual debt can begin to appreciate what Christ did for them at the cross. Without some heartfelt conviction of our sin, we can have no serious feeling of personal interest in the gospel. What’s more, this conviction should actually grow throughout our Christian lives. In fact, one sign of spiritual growth is an increased awareness of our sinfulness.”

I recently met an elderly man who would cry whenever he would hear the name of Jesus. I have been thinking about that a lot lately; mainly because I am not there, not even close. It strikes me that perhaps one of the reasons he would cry upon hearing our Lords name is that he had a great understanding of his own sinfulness and therefore a greater appreciation for what Jesus did for him. As I was reflecting upon that this morning God brought to my mind the story found in Luke 7:36-49. I encourage you to read the entire story and associated parable but it is summarized by Jesus in 44-47:

Luke 7:44 And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.
7:45 Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss my feet.
7:46 My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment.
7:47 Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.

The fact is that I not been “forgiven little” I have been forgiven much – all of us have! Unlike this woman I do not yet comprehend the enormity of my spiritual debt that Jesus paid for me.

John Piper states that we will never fully comprehend the depth of our sinfulness but as we grow spiritually we can gain a greater understanding of it. By God’s grace may he reveal to us more and more how great a debt He paid for us and thereby causing us to truly treasure Jesus above all things!

The gospel tells us that Jesus Christ paid our debt, but it also tells us far more. It tells us that we are not enemies or objects of His wrath. We are His sons and daughters, heirs with Jesus Christ of all His unsearchable riches. This is the good news of the gospel. This is why the women in the story wept and the elderly man cried. We need to remember this every day.

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A few weeks ago we got an email from someone we do not know but her words touched our hearts and we feel compelled to share.

We will call her E, we consider her a new friend and she has a dear and sweet spirit. I feel as though I have known her for a long time, her words and the spirit in which they were delivered feel so familiar.

She read our blog and said "Sometimes you don’t realize how far you have come until someone points out that progress, or perhaps you see that progress in another." To know that someone reads this blog makes me smile. To know that this blog touches some one's heart makes me cry and increases my faith that we are indeed on the correct path. I find great peace in the fact that there are others who fins our story to be similar to their own, who struggle our struggles and tread our same path.

I wrote back to E something along these lines: It has been a long hard road and we are still traveling; but each day, week, month and year we grow a bit more, learn a bit more and find our way down the path just a bit more. We get so caught up in how far we have to go that we don’t take the time to look back to see how far we have come. On our blog at one point earlier this year, (February maybe) I remember talking about the road and two different feelings; having come so far on a quiet road vs. not being able to see the path through the mist.

I often forget how far we have come and yet at times it seems like we are back at the beginning again. *like a yo-yo* I believe this all part of the plan to keep us moving forward, if you think you are getting close to being done, you must be reminded of how long eternity is and how the road can change! And that is how we receive the blessing of new challenges! *The blessing of new challenges; 2 years ago those words would not ever be used in the same sentence. I truly believe that by trials and endurance, we grow and gain faith. It is through that new faith that we are blessed. *

Anyhow, it was nice to know someone reads our blog! E, thank you for your kind words!

The path to the end

After yet another trial, we seek peace and confidence in the path that the Lord has set before us.

I am reminded by my dear friend S, that we do have children; we have six, they are just not with us here on earth. They wait for us in heaven. The hardest trial is yet to come; being faithful and worthy to the end so that we will be able to see them, love them and be joined with them once again.

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering...
~William Wordsworth

I cry for my babies. I cry with gratitude for the opportunity endure to the end and to hold my precious babies again.

It has been 5 years since Dad passed away and while it has gotten easier to bear, the pain can often be sharp and piercing. I am so grateful for our forever family and for the opportunity to be sealed together. The comfort of knowing that we will be together again lessens and pain and dulls the ache.

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say "Goodbye".
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you -
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times
life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today~
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay.
~Author Unknown

Enduring to the end, or remaining faithful to the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ throughout life, is a fundamental requirement for salvation in the kingdom of God. "But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved." Matthew 24:13

LDS.org - Ensign Article - “Behold, We Count Them Happy Which Endure”

The 'Specialist'

Sounds like the title to a bad horror flick! I went into see the 'Specialist' this morning. He was a very pleasant fellow who stuck a tube (with camera) up my nose and down my throat to take a look-see. I have had a great many medical procedures in my day but none quite as disturbing as looking at the inside of my nose... GROSS! Nobody should ever be subject to that, and it isn't like they give you notice to blow and clean up a bit - they just spray the numbing medicine and whip out the tube!

Long story short - I have right side vocal cord paralysis from my gentle surgeon mashing my delicate neck back and forth. Doc says my voice should come back in 1-3 months and until that time, I will have the great pleasure of choking on my food and water and sounding like Mickey Mouse. They are ordering speech and swallow therapy to help me get through the next 2 months and I follow up the beginning of August.

I hope, hope, hope it doesn't really take that long. I mean, I can't talk! I can't holler, I can't yell. Do you know how hard it is to scold a dog while not laughing because I sound like a pissy Mickey?! It is really ruining my reputation around the house.

One more thing - the sensation that I am being choked - the pressure... he said it will take another 2 weeks for that to go away and it is just from surgery. I suppose of the two issues, this bothers me the most because it is anxiety forming. 2 weeks - I can do anything for 2 weeks.

******

7/1/10 - update! Went to the doctor yesterday and was told that I have 2 more weeks off. They don't want me going back to work until the breathing is better and swelling has gone down. So at this point, I am crossing my fingers for a return to work on 7/19.

*****

We are so excited to hear that our dear friends M&M are going to be able to take their little Ben to the temple soon. What a wonderful blessing. I was thinking the other day, after reading her post - people who have children naturally do not get this extra opportunity in the House of the Lord. Just another one of the many, many reasons adoption is such a special path to follow.

We look forward to meeting our Birth Mother than will allow us to take our child to the temple to be sealed for eternity. Where ever you are, what ever you are doing, please know that we are praying for you and thinking about you on a daily basis. Some way and some how we will find each other and your gift will complete our family.

*****

Final Interview Day!

Today was our final interview day. We have one step left to approval; CORE training. We should be attending CORE training, signing our paperwork and active on July 9th. But today, today was 'the interview', you know the one where you answer questions about your past and relationships separately and confidentially... Well, after 13 years of marriage - we already knew each others answers. But it was still an interesting experience to go through again. Again, you ask - well yes, again. Read on.

We left early, stopped for doughnuts in Greeley and drove leisurely down to the LDS FS office. We arrived early intending to go to the cannery to load up on sugar and flour. We had everything filled out only to find that they are closed on Fridays! Ah, darn. We decided that we will stop by again on our way back from Arizona in a few weeks.

As we sat in the shade of the trees in the parking lot, we chatted about what we were expecting the interview to be like, what they might ask, how we felt about it. We watched K, our case worker, pull in, unload his car, reload a car, buzz around front, run inside. I commented to R that he seemed to be very over worked. He is always in a meeting, on the phone, out doing a visit, getting back from a visit. Seems like he just goes and goes and goes. I pondered out loud, “I wonder if he likes his job. I know he gets paid, I wonder if the fulfillment of making eternal families everyday makes up for all of the stress.” R assured me that K must be one of the most blessed people we will ever know. He, for a living, gets to help families come together, for eternity. Can you imagine? What an amazing thing to behold once, but to be part of and behold it again and again. I am in awe of K and his dedication to his job, beliefs and the eternal principles that we hold near and dear to our own hearts. K's sweet personality and strong testimony of the truth of what he does permeates everything around him. We feel comforted just being near him and having him help us through this process.

We met with K, finished our paperwork and went through our interviews. It was painless and actually pleasant. K helps make this process comfortable. People keep asking me how the paperwork is going and I keep saying that it is fine. They ask if we have questions, no – not really. It is funny because when I started working in Law Enforcement R and I both had to go through intense interviews, they dug into our past – deep, deep into our pasts – and I did a polygraph test, twice. Compared to that, this process is peachy! There is nothing in our past that has not already been dug through and sifted, held to light and examined. We are comfortable with who we are, the paths that have taken us to the place we stand today. We stand together, as one, united and together walk our path in life; we walk together through all things. We are very at peace with this process and our present place; we receive daily verification that we are on the right path, that there is a Birth Mother out there, somewhere for us, that we will be re-united and will be able to start our family with her help.

We left the city, did some grocery shopping and came home. I was a bit swollen when we got back, so I went to lie down. Our dear neighbors (I use the word neighbor loosely), brought us dinner. I cried – they are so thoughtful and helpful to us over the past weeks. Our neighbors, Sandy and Dan Carter live about 4 miles east and 5 miles south of us on 100 acres. They are just on the other side of ‘town’. As members of the church who share the same values and lifestyle we do, they are a blessing to us. We are learning from them and them from us. I cried from their honest care and concern for us. I cried from their ability to know we needed their help and their ability to hear and heed the spirit. We are so blessed.