Another lesson? Really?!

As I sit here watching time go by, at home on 'no activity' restrictions from the doctor I pray for further understanding and enlightenment on life in general and the things we endure. I spend time watching TV, reading, surfing the net, walking the horses & dogs, feeding & watering animals, sleeping, attending appointments and all the while I find myself anxiously awaiting word of the next and hopefully final surgery. This journey of having a broken neck, having surgeries, therapies and essentially after 10 months needing one more surgery has left me feeling confused and discouraged. Why would my first fusion not fuse? Why would this drag out for 10 months, and I am not even done yet? In my heart I know we are almost done. One more surgery, some rods and clamps then on to recovery!

I have gotten blessings before each procedure and I know that this particular path is meant to teach a lesson. But what could that be? What can a broken neck possibly teach me that I could not learn any other way? I am having horseback riding withdrawals! I need to work! I want to be able to carry my end of this marriage partnership! We have goat kids due in two months and I need to prepare! Gunner needs work so I can start him this summer!

I received a blessing a few weeks ago that shed some light on the 'Why' of this journey. The take away message: there is a lesson to learn from all of this and through study and prayer, I will learn that lesson. May I just say 'duh', OK, got that out of my system... Hmmm, a lesson. I was given a few hints on where to start my studies, but still, hmmm. Did I not already know that there was a lesson in this experience?! Why could Heavenly Father not just tell me what the lesson is? Or provide a few more easy to understand hints along the way? I would like to request a maze leading me to the lesson - much like the ones found on the back of the kid's menu at Denny's.

Well, I am always up for a challenge! Hidden lesson and meaning to this experience? Okie-dokie. Study and pray to find the answer? No problemo. When I figure it all out, if it is appropriate, I will share it with you. In the mean time, I would like to leave you with a few of my favorite websites:
Tasty Kitchen
Pioneer Woman
Food Storage
The Doctors
Cheese Making
Mexican Made Easy
Paula Deen

Wedding and Ward changes

We went to the wedding of one of dear friend's this weekend; JP Chavez and Monica Edwin. We are so happy for JP and Monica, they have waited so long!

The wedding was beautiful and had an autumn theme throughout and was quite spectacular with live music and singing through the ceremony. They had a pianist, harpist, guitarist, flutist and two singers. The bridesmaid dresses were light brown, which when I heard about it I thought it would be less than nice to say the least. I pictured paper bags and burlap sacks - silly I know, but I really had nothing to go on. The dresses were light gauze with satin slips - very classy! You can see one of the dresses on the far left of the photo. The brides dress was very pretty and strapless. She didn't have a long train or veil but her brilliant red hair was curled and done up with bling clips.





It has been some time since we attended a wedding and this one was so special. JP and Monica are devout Christians, although not LDS, and through their belief in Christ, they saved themselves for marriage. An unusual thing in these days and even more so since they are both in their 30s. The ceremony was prayerful and devoted to the Lord. We feel honored to have been part. It is with bitter sweet feelings that I recount the wedding ceremony. It was very obvious to me, having been sealed for eternity, when the preacher said 'til death do you part or Christ returns.' I have never heard the Christ returns part before but it was said several times during the ceremony. They are so in love and have such faith that it makes me cry to think that they are not sealed for eternity. I am so sad for them. I wish they could have all of the blessings that the Gospel can offer. SO... We have decided that as soon as they return from their honeymoon we will invite them to church with us.

You can see the love in their faces! They are such a wonderful couple and we are honored to know them. Their faith in Christ has carried to the to their wedding day and will carry them through many years to come. We wish them the best for a long and happy future.

Speaking of church...
They diced up our Ward like a pie last night. We and 5 other families are now members of the Windsor Ward, which if you look at a map of the Stake and Ward boundaries, it does not make sense. Our dear neighbors and newly baptized members, the Carters, are struggling with the change. Sandee hasn't stopped crying for two days. I shared some of the following with her in an effort to comfort her.

I was shocked at first because we loved our Ward, the people, my calling was perfect and we had great activities that made us not feel out of place because we live in the boondocks. We all know that once we start to feel comfortable, the Lord gives us changes and challenges to stretch us. I guess I should have acted a bit more uncomfortable!

We met the Stake President when we renewed our recommends this past February and we found him to be a wonderful and caring man. I have a sense of comfort that Windsor Ward (our new Ward) will be very well organized since it is his home ward! Since Windsor was not cut, I anticipate it will take them a bit to find us callings and get used to having members in the boondocks! We will find our place, all will be well.
After speaking to one of the brethren it was made clear to me through his words and prayer that we are a very important part of the Windsor Ward. You see, they have property to build a new church in Windsor but do not have the membership to support it. They added us to help their Ward grow to the north so that we may be able to build a new building for the Lord. We have been chosen!
I have been praying since last night and I feel strongly that this move is mean to make us stronger in some way. This is an opportunity to learn and grow. There is a lesson waiting for us in Windsor Ward, a lesson that will help us to grow in faith, strengthen our testimonies, become more self-sufficient and to allow us to participate in a great work for the Lord. I miss so dearly my friends, seeing them every Sunday and visiting each month but the Lord knows that we need someone in Windsor Ward and someone in Windsor Ward is needing us. it is our jobs to be faithful and of good cheer so that we can recognize it when the Spirit prompts us.

The best part, the part that puts my heart at ease is this - the time may change, the people may change but the Gospel is always the same no matter the building, time, people or Ward; the Gospel is always the same. We will find our home in the Windsor Ward.

A minor setback, a lesson and a blessing

I went to the doctor in tears on Monday morning. When my neck gets bad is causes a cascade of other issues like migraine headaches, numb arms, swollen hands, aching back, trouble sleeping and a bad case of the grumpies. Each of those issues cause more issues like lack of enthusiasm and a worse case of the grumpies.

So, I got there at 7:15 in tears and sat in the parking lot crying until they opened the door at 7:50. I saw the Doctor, who I might mention is wonderful, compassionate, understanding and very, very, very good at whatt she does. She gave me an anti-inflammatory medicine shot and sent me over to therapy for some massage and stretching.

Two things I would lie to share with you 1. the anti-inflammatory shot is wonderful and kicks in in 20 minutes. 2. it stings like nothing I have ever felt before - mind boggling stinging. 3. it is a shot in the butt. Not the hip, they do it square on the smooshy part of your bottom. Did I mention that it stings?! Yeah, now you get the idea!

Anyhow, I took 2 pain pills and sat in the Jacuzzi at the Senior Center for an hour. No, I am not a senior, not even close, but it is the only place that one can completely relax when in severe pain because there is a lifeguard on duty. It was wonderful. I drove home for the first time since March 3rd without any pain at all. Amazing!

At my follow-up this morning, she put me on the same medicine as yesterday only in pill form. You only have to poke me once to convince me that waiting 45 minutes for it to kick in instead of 20 is not such a bad deal! I return to work tomorrow and hopefully this is the last setback on the long road to recovery.

I recently ad someone ask - 'knowing what you know now, would you have surgery again?' My answer 'YES!' The pain before was from nerve damage and impingement, which if you have never experienced, I hope you never have to. If you have had it (say a root canal) multiply that by 20. If affected my arm and hand movement, coordination and strength and right before surgery was starting to affect my legs. I still have a numb place on my hip/thigh that I can't feel. Nerve pain and the affects of that are awful, muscle pain and inflammation - easy peasy. This will pass, it is all a part of getting better and I know that. Before, I was getting worse and there was no possible way to get better.

____________________________________________________

On to something more fun. Goats!

We purchased Nephi to breed to our does and possibly to offer breeding to others in our area. The interest has been outstanding and lucky for us, he likes his job. He has already paid for himself, which is the whole idea. We make a little money each year off the kids but for the most part, the sale of the kids pays for the hay and vaccines for the adults. Milk is an extra bonus.

We have had Lacey in with him for a month and she just cycled last week, we will know by the end of this month if it took or not. I left her in with him because he is still a baby (11 months) and he has become very attached to her. I know that at some point in the next month or two he will have to move over to the 'Love Shack' alone - ah, the sad, sad life of a bachelor! I just put Lilly in with him and hope that she will cycle this month. That would allow us to have staggered kidding, which would be nice for a change. This whole breeding this is new to me and I hope to figure it all out in the next year!

A lesson and a blessing
We just found out that one of our kids from this year, Midnight, has been given away to a new home. I know, given away?! I freaked out. What if she is abused or worse - eaten!

No need to panic, I am such a fool. She has been given to a home with a small child with Downs Syndrome. He loves Midnight and she is doing very well. Animals can bring such joy and healing, even healing that is inexplicable to doctors. They are more in tune with the subtle changes and delicate spirits of those with disabilities. Will I miss Midnight, yes without a doubt. Does she belong to this small boy, yes - it was destined to be before she was even born. It humbles me to know that my sweet little goat may help this dear child. What a blessing for us both.

How arrogant was I to be upset?! How arrogant to think she was mine?! Lesson learned. I was merely a vessel to get this little goat to this little boy. Heavenly Father's hand is so entwined in my life and I must learn to trust Him, He will not lead me astray. Thank you Lori for helping me learn this lesson!

A Debt Paid

In Jerry Bridges' book The Gospel for Real Life it states the following:

“The purpose of this book is to explore those unsearchable riches. To appreciate them, however, we need to look briefly at our sinful condition. Though we live in a time when people don’t like to talk about sin, only those who understand to some degree the enormity of their spiritual debt can begin to appreciate what Christ did for them at the cross. Without some heartfelt conviction of our sin, we can have no serious feeling of personal interest in the gospel. What’s more, this conviction should actually grow throughout our Christian lives. In fact, one sign of spiritual growth is an increased awareness of our sinfulness.”

I recently met an elderly man who would cry whenever he would hear the name of Jesus. I have been thinking about that a lot lately; mainly because I am not there, not even close. It strikes me that perhaps one of the reasons he would cry upon hearing our Lords name is that he had a great understanding of his own sinfulness and therefore a greater appreciation for what Jesus did for him. As I was reflecting upon that this morning God brought to my mind the story found in Luke 7:36-49. I encourage you to read the entire story and associated parable but it is summarized by Jesus in 44-47:

Luke 7:44 And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.
7:45 Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss my feet.
7:46 My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment.
7:47 Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.

The fact is that I not been “forgiven little” I have been forgiven much – all of us have! Unlike this woman I do not yet comprehend the enormity of my spiritual debt that Jesus paid for me.

John Piper states that we will never fully comprehend the depth of our sinfulness but as we grow spiritually we can gain a greater understanding of it. By God’s grace may he reveal to us more and more how great a debt He paid for us and thereby causing us to truly treasure Jesus above all things!

The gospel tells us that Jesus Christ paid our debt, but it also tells us far more. It tells us that we are not enemies or objects of His wrath. We are His sons and daughters, heirs with Jesus Christ of all His unsearchable riches. This is the good news of the gospel. This is why the women in the story wept and the elderly man cried. We need to remember this every day.

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A few weeks ago we got an email from someone we do not know but her words touched our hearts and we feel compelled to share.

We will call her E, we consider her a new friend and she has a dear and sweet spirit. I feel as though I have known her for a long time, her words and the spirit in which they were delivered feel so familiar.

She read our blog and said "Sometimes you don’t realize how far you have come until someone points out that progress, or perhaps you see that progress in another." To know that someone reads this blog makes me smile. To know that this blog touches some one's heart makes me cry and increases my faith that we are indeed on the correct path. I find great peace in the fact that there are others who fins our story to be similar to their own, who struggle our struggles and tread our same path.

I wrote back to E something along these lines: It has been a long hard road and we are still traveling; but each day, week, month and year we grow a bit more, learn a bit more and find our way down the path just a bit more. We get so caught up in how far we have to go that we don’t take the time to look back to see how far we have come. On our blog at one point earlier this year, (February maybe) I remember talking about the road and two different feelings; having come so far on a quiet road vs. not being able to see the path through the mist.

I often forget how far we have come and yet at times it seems like we are back at the beginning again. *like a yo-yo* I believe this all part of the plan to keep us moving forward, if you think you are getting close to being done, you must be reminded of how long eternity is and how the road can change! And that is how we receive the blessing of new challenges! *The blessing of new challenges; 2 years ago those words would not ever be used in the same sentence. I truly believe that by trials and endurance, we grow and gain faith. It is through that new faith that we are blessed. *

Anyhow, it was nice to know someone reads our blog! E, thank you for your kind words!

“Refuse to fall down. If you cannot refuse to fall down, refuse to stay down, lift your heart toward heaven like a hungry beggar, ask that it be filled and it will be filled. You may be pushed down. You may be kept from rising. But no one can keep you from lifting your heart toward heaven-only you. It is in the middle of misery that so much becomes clear. The one who says nothing good came of this is not yet listening.”
~Clarissa Pinkola Estes

The power of prayer

Our faith has been building and growing by leaps and bounds over the last 2 years. We had two experiences this past week that I wanted to share with you as a testimony of the power of prayer.

*****
First happened on Thursday. We noticed that we were down to about 50 bales of hay and that we needed to buy more. With hay ranging from $4 - $8, we need to be careful to get good hay at a low price. The last hay we got for $5, while it looked nice, had little nutritional value. Max and Gunner both lost a significant amount of weight over a 1 week period. Both have ribs showing and we have been trying to get weight back on them for 4 weeks. Side note - it is easy for horses to lose weight and very hard to get it back on them.

R and I were discussing our meager money situation in the kitchen and found that we had only $100 extra for hay. At $4 a bale (I found some nice stuff!) we still needed $180 more and another $20 for goat hay. Basically we had $100 and needed $200 more. Not having an abundance of extra cash laying around, we said a prayer. Just a quick, to the point prayer. We need money to buy hay and we don't have it. We have done everything you have asked and are faithful in our callings, tithing and prayers. Please send us help.

I kid you not. 20 minutes later a guy from the railroad pulled down our driveway and offered us $300 cash for an old army trailer we had sitting our by the wood pile. The trailer had not been used in 2 years. Sold! We have horse hay money! We got hay on Saturday.

*****

Our horse trailer is huge. It is a 4 horse slant load goose neck with living quarters in the front and a tack room in the back. It is a steel monster and I love it!

About a year ago I had to take Max to the vet for his arthritis shot. C, you ask, why don't you do the shot. It is an IV shot, which I can do, have done BUT if you miss, you hit the artery and kill the horse in 30 seconds. For some reason, on something that important and routine (not an emergency) I would rather pay $15 to have the vet do it!

Anyhow - I took him down and turned a sharp corner ripping the light plug out of the trailer. I drove home with no lights. R fixed the plug and over the next 3 months, the lights would flicker and sometimes work - sometimes not. About 8 moths ago, the lights quit working all together. We went around and around on whether it was the truck or the trailer, we rewired both (R is NOT an electrician - things usually catch fire when he wires them). Luckily my truck and trailer did not catch fire but I have blown a lot of fuses over the past 9 months!

We have spent countless hours in wind and rain and snow trying to find the problem and fix it. Finally I called a trailer repair place and was told minimum of $500 and up to $1,200 to find and fix the problem. Great, more money - I really hate money.

We invited Janice out to the house on Saturday night for a bonfire and trail ride after church on Sunday. R pulled the trailer over to the house and I ran for cover! If he couldn't find the problem, I would follow him in my truck and act as his lights. If you have never done this for your husband, you are missing out - it really is a marriage strengthener, either you get closer together and work as a team of you kill each other.

R started working on the wiring and I started washing brushes and tack boxes. 10 minutes later, the trailer is fixed. What happened?! R said a short quick to the point prayer. Help me fix this trailer and keep the weather nice while I do it.

Trailer done!! So I of course poke R in the ribs and say 'What?! You couldn't say a prayer 8 months ago?!'

*****

Motherhood: An Eternal Partnership with God

In "Motherhood: An Eternal Partnership with God" Elder Jeffrey R. Holland shares an encouraging tribute to mothers who, through both challenges and accomplishments, work in partnership with God to raise His children.

Final Interview Day!

Today was our final interview day. We have one step left to approval; CORE training. We should be attending CORE training, signing our paperwork and active on July 9th. But today, today was 'the interview', you know the one where you answer questions about your past and relationships separately and confidentially... Well, after 13 years of marriage - we already knew each others answers. But it was still an interesting experience to go through again. Again, you ask - well yes, again. Read on.

We left early, stopped for doughnuts in Greeley and drove leisurely down to the LDS FS office. We arrived early intending to go to the cannery to load up on sugar and flour. We had everything filled out only to find that they are closed on Fridays! Ah, darn. We decided that we will stop by again on our way back from Arizona in a few weeks.

As we sat in the shade of the trees in the parking lot, we chatted about what we were expecting the interview to be like, what they might ask, how we felt about it. We watched K, our case worker, pull in, unload his car, reload a car, buzz around front, run inside. I commented to R that he seemed to be very over worked. He is always in a meeting, on the phone, out doing a visit, getting back from a visit. Seems like he just goes and goes and goes. I pondered out loud, “I wonder if he likes his job. I know he gets paid, I wonder if the fulfillment of making eternal families everyday makes up for all of the stress.” R assured me that K must be one of the most blessed people we will ever know. He, for a living, gets to help families come together, for eternity. Can you imagine? What an amazing thing to behold once, but to be part of and behold it again and again. I am in awe of K and his dedication to his job, beliefs and the eternal principles that we hold near and dear to our own hearts. K's sweet personality and strong testimony of the truth of what he does permeates everything around him. We feel comforted just being near him and having him help us through this process.

We met with K, finished our paperwork and went through our interviews. It was painless and actually pleasant. K helps make this process comfortable. People keep asking me how the paperwork is going and I keep saying that it is fine. They ask if we have questions, no – not really. It is funny because when I started working in Law Enforcement R and I both had to go through intense interviews, they dug into our past – deep, deep into our pasts – and I did a polygraph test, twice. Compared to that, this process is peachy! There is nothing in our past that has not already been dug through and sifted, held to light and examined. We are comfortable with who we are, the paths that have taken us to the place we stand today. We stand together, as one, united and together walk our path in life; we walk together through all things. We are very at peace with this process and our present place; we receive daily verification that we are on the right path, that there is a Birth Mother out there, somewhere for us, that we will be re-united and will be able to start our family with her help.

We left the city, did some grocery shopping and came home. I was a bit swollen when we got back, so I went to lie down. Our dear neighbors (I use the word neighbor loosely), brought us dinner. I cried – they are so thoughtful and helpful to us over the past weeks. Our neighbors, Sandy and Dan Carter live about 4 miles east and 5 miles south of us on 100 acres. They are just on the other side of ‘town’. As members of the church who share the same values and lifestyle we do, they are a blessing to us. We are learning from them and them from us. I cried from their honest care and concern for us. I cried from their ability to know we needed their help and their ability to hear and heed the spirit. We are so blessed.

Down the gauntlet of grief and pain

All of our most personal feelings are related in our journal as they are much to tender to be shared in such a public place. We are careful to share just a glimpse of our lives and nothing too personal so this post was almost not crated. I am not sure why I feel impressed to share, but I do. Until I feel differently, this post will remain.
We are passing through three expected due dates over the next week. Our lost babies from 1997 (girl), 2004 (boy) and our dear sweet twins.

We have been so busy with surgery, recovery, life and adoption that it feels as though this week snuck up on me. I knew it was on the way - I always know, it is carved into my heart. Yet, I am not prepared to say goodbye to my babies again – I need more time to prepare myself, to postpone. I do not want to pass our due date tomorrow with empty arms. I want my babies here with me, particularly when it seems as though everywhere I turn families are being made, carried, born and brought home.

There are so many websites, blogs, books and resources out there for one to 'recover' from grief. I suppose it is the word 'recover' that I take offense to. To recover implies that I am broken, ill, in need of fixing. I suppose that may be true in some sense; but it seems to be my reality that a part of me is broken but will never be fixed. These pieces need to be gently held, acknowledged and incorporated into who I am. I will never be the same person that I was before we lost our first two children. I will never be the same person I was before November 17th at 9:15 when we discovered the loss of our twins. I can only hope that the grief I carry, the grief that is mine alone to bare will allow me, in some way, some shape to become a stronger more faithful child of God. To cling to His promised atonement, love and principles of eternal families. That this grief will work into my being to allow me to become the person that I must be, the person He wants and needs me to be.

I have been keenly aware of Heavenly Father over the last few days. I can feel His gentle love surrounding my heart, padding my soul. There are some pains that are too hard to bear alone; saying goodbye to my children is one of them. He knows these things and He knows that it is by His will that we endure and arrive enlivened and stronger in spirit and faith than before.
Through my grief, I took special care today to spend some time outside. I viewed this world, our land, and our many blessings and tried to do so with an open mind to inspiration and love. I cannot express the comfort I receive from being outside. Nature, our home in particular has been a great source of comfort to me over the past 9 months. This is my refuge, my place of renewal.

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?" ~Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)

Though my heart breaks anew, I am promised that I will be able to hold and love my children someday. Heavenly Father is divine and knows my every need, my every care, and my every thought. He knows that this simple promise will be the one thing that can carry me thought this gauntlet of grief.
For those who are rejoicing, our hearts smile with you, we are so happy for you and your new families. For those who grieve, we know your deepest pain, we hear your heart and we send our love, our faith and our prayers that we will all find peace and comfort during the dark days, that the light will return and that we will meet on the other side to embrace it.

Wait... What did you say?!

I have been told many things, called many names, had many a comment made on my appearance over the years but never quite like the one I had today. I am not sure how I feel about it, it is true but that does not mean it is pleasant - I feel like the ugly duckling that just found out: 'nope, you are just an ugly duck.'

You must understand the surgery that I just had in order to appreciate the situation today. I had a severely herniated disc (between C6 & C7 for those of you that know what that means), at the base of my neck and shoulders for those of you who understand normal speak. The disc was pushing on the C7 nerve root and causing stenosis (narrowing) of my spinal column. Basically, I have been in constant pain and on numerous medications since the beginning of March when I fell at work. Yes, at work, on ice, in Colorado - go figure.

I underwent surgery on Friday afternoon to remove the disc, put in a bone graft then plate and screw it all together. I was kept in the hospital extra long (instead of a discharge Friday night like I hoped - I had to beg to get out on Sunday night)because I was having swallowing difficulties and could not breathe normally.

The surgeon tapered off the steroids, which were helping me breathe through the swelling and they ended last night. Today, I am hanging around the house, having trouble breathing like everyday since Sunday and the Work Comp Nurse called again to check in. She has been calling since Monday, but she has been calling my work cell, which is muted on the counter so I have not been answering. Anyhow, I decided to try her again this afternoon just to check in and see if there was something else I should be doing. As we started to talk, she asked about my voice since I sound like Mickey Mouse and my breathing which was labored (duh, the steroids ran out). She completely freaked out, told me to call the doctor immediately or go to the emergency room and hung up. I started to cry, which makes it harder to breathe - I mean, I am at home, 30 minutes from anywhere with no neighbors and no way to get to the doctor as quickly as she was telling me to. I called my better half and Mom. Mom had been talking to me all afternoon via email and knew I was not feeling well, particularly today and we were trying to figure out what was going on. She was also one hour ahead of him, so she was the ride I needed. He would meet us at the Doctor.

The Doctor looked me over, checked oxygen levels, pulse, respiration and such and said - 'You are having trouble breathing and swallowing because you have a lot of trauma in your neck from the intubation and surgery.' (Yep, doc - knew that already). Then came 'You have a short, fat neck, basically no-neck. So the swelling has no place to go, it is staying in your throat and moving into your face and chest.' OK! Now we are getting someplace - solution is to go back on steroids. Sounds great! Then it hits me; she just said I have a short fat neck - not the long luxurious neck of a swan that I have always envisioned?! Maybe I heard wrong. I asked - I heard it right 'short and fat, basically no-neck'. Interesting food for thought. This piece of honest truth is causing me to re-evaluate my entire self image. I guess tall, slender, elegant don't fit into this Stout's genes.

We went to the pharmacy, picked up some groceries and came back home. I am also instructed to sleep in my lazy boy instead of my super comfy California king bed - always the good with the bad. The Doctor was very firm that I not be left alone tomorrow because my swelling is severe enough that I may need to go to the emergency room. R is on a short day so Mom will be with me while he is gone. I am trying to find something fun to do tomorrow - a short drive, quick shopping trip. I'll probably wind up sitting on the porch watching my better half ride my mower and pout.

*****
I asked and was given a priesthood blessing. While the content is private and holy, I will say that my faith has been renewed and refreshed. I am not one to often ask for a blessing; most of the time just knowing that the option is available provides enough sustenance to get me through. I cannot explain the comfort, peace, joy and renewal that comes from having a worthy priesthood holder, also my dear husband of 13 years, place his hands on my head to pronounce a blessing. I am so blessed - even with my short, fat neck.

The road we travel

I have been home since Sunday night and the reality of the surgery didn't start to hit me until today. My neck and back pain is gone and has been replaced by a plate and 2 screws! My pain has also been temporarily replaced by foggy drug brain and choking but the pain is less, no more tingling fingers.

Overall, surgery went well and I am glad to be home. I was released 2 days later than originally anticipated and had some unforeseen complications. When the doctor came in on Sunday and told me they were going to keep me until Monday, I revolted! No way! I am done, I am leaving, just tell me what I need to do and I will do it... After a hard push on Sunday and a battery of tests, some pleading and begging on my part, I was released late in the day and able to come sleep in my own house with my animals and the smell of fresh healing country air. I am happy to be home and be back to living my life on my schedule and according to my timeline. It was hard to be gone from home for 2 extra days, extra unplanned days! My Family came to bat with the chores and endless things that needed to be done while I was out.

I started taking over some of my chores today, mainly the milking. I hadn't realized how much I enjoy the time outside, doing things around the house and for the animals. I also didn't realize how many chores there are! We are taking it slowly but are making it work. I am getting up a bit more each day, but like I said, taking it slowly. I have a new pain in the back of my neck, not sure what it is related to but trying not to aggravate it. I figure it must be part of the healing process. I'll take it easier tomorrow and maybe, just maybe I can talk the man into treating me to a short drive to town.

My time in the hospital gave me ample time to reflect on the many blessings I have. On the many ways Heavenly Father has prepared me to be in here, in this position at this time. The way that all of our small travels have gotten us down this road to recovery; not only physical but spiritual and emotional as well. We have come to know in our heart of hearts that we are blessed, blessed to be together and blessed to be living where and how we do. I am over taken by tears when I think of each individual trial, all of our losses and successes that have brought us here. We are on the correct path and only need to follow the road to the end. Endure, that is the final part of the puzzle. Who knew one word could hold so much power...

*****
Adoption:
We had our home visit today. Kelly, our case worker, came by to take a look around the place and chat with us a bit. I had not realized how stressed out I was about having someone come into my home and judge me. I know he isn't 'judging' me per-se and he has done tons of these visits but I wonder what specifically catches his eye and what specifically does he take note of. I wonder what crossed his mind when he realized that he was in the middle of nowhere but not far from town. I know without a doubt that Kelly is called of God to be a Case Worker and that he has been blessed with powers of observation to help make Heavenly Father's families reunite.

I wonder; does he have a sense of the match that will be made? Does he know in some part of his being what type of Birth Family will be attracted to each couple? I wonder how much his job weighs on his mind and how he copes with the excitement and release on a regular basis. We are blessed to be working with Kelly and are grateful for his expertise.

It is funny, we didn't frantically clean or put things away. After just coming home from the hospital the place was a bit rough around the edges compared to how it might normally be, but this is reality! I am glad Kelly was able to look past the cluttered counters and hopefully see the Family we are trying to build. We feel blessed to have met and be working with Kelly. He is an inspiring spirit and a fountain of wisdom. We are humbled that he even considers us worthy to take part in an adoption.

It seems as though we are surrounded by people who just delivered, are pregnant, have just received their placement or will be adopting in the next 2 months. I am thrilled for all of them and wish them the best. It is truly exciting to see so many families being started and completed through this miracle of adoption and at the hand of Heavenly Father and Kelly. We will continue to have faith that Heavenly Father will bless us with our child at the right time and when we are sufficiently prepared. I have faith - I must have faith, for without faith, there can be no hope.

*****
Website:
We have gotten some questions about our website that I thought I would share. Our website is coming along, although not quite on the timeline we expected. Somehow that doesn't surprise me or bother me. It seems as though nothing in our lives travel the anticipated time lines we have set.

Our website will encompass many areas, only one of which is adoption. We already have our blog and very soon will have our profile posted on the LDSFS website. We want Birth Mothers to know as much about us as possible and what a better way then a few pages on a website?! Yes, our profile will be up on LDSFS but we are limited in how much we can share and it can be overwhelming to view so many profiles and blogs while contemplating adoption.

We talk about adoption in our blog but our blog is mainly to share the goings on in our daily lives with friends and family who live far away and want to know about our latest adventure - it also saves me a ton of time in email! The Adoption portion of the website will only be geared towards sharing about us, our lives and families as a Birth Mother would like to know. Don't get me wrong, I want to get our names and information out there so our Mother will be able to find us but we are also private people and like to keep things of our lives private. I cannot imagine handing out business cards and putting magnets on my truck advertising our adoption intent. Dearest Birth Mother, where ever you are, I hope and pray that we will meet soon!

Secondly, we live on a ranch and have Purebred goats that we sell each year. Our website will assist us in selling these animals and will open new opportunities for breeding that may not otherwise be available. Gunner is a stud colt who may or may not remain intact. If we choose not to geld him, we will use the website to promote his stud services.

We also have a "Country Life' Section (this might be the part that I am most excited about!). It will cover gardening, food storage, self sufficiency, our animals, crafts, sewing, recipes, cooking, photography and just general suggestions shared from us and our readers to help teach skills and crafts that will enable one to engage in a self sufficient life and making the most of what you have. We are excited to have this portion of the website dedicated to a lifestyle that we are coming to embrace and so many others want to share.

Lifting Burdens: The Atonement of Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ was the only one capable of carrying out the Atonement for all mankind. The only way for us to be saved is for someone else to rescue us. We need someone who can satisfy the demands of justice—standing in our place to assume the burden of the Fall and to pay the price for our sins. Jesus Christ has always been the only one capable of making such a sacrifice.

From before the Creation of the earth, the Savior has been our only hope for "peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come" (D&C 59:23).

Only He had the power to lay down His life and take it up again. From His mortal mother, Mary, He inherited the ability to die. From His immortal Father, He inherited the power to overcome death. He declared, "As the Father hath life in himself; so hath he given to the Son to have life in himself" (John 5:26).

Only He could redeem us from our sins. God the Father gave Him this power (see Helaman 5:11). The Savior was able to receive this power and carry out the Atonement because He kept Himself free from sin: "He suffered temptations but gave no heed unto them" (D&C 20:22). Having lived a perfect, sinless life, He was free from the demands of justice. Because He had the power of redemption and because He had no debt to justice, he could pay the debt for those who repent.

Jesus's atoning sacrifice took place in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross at Calvary. In Gethsemane He submitted to the will of the Father and began to take upon Himself the sins of all people. The Savior continued to suffer for our sins when He allowed Himself to be crucified—"lifted up upon the cross and slain for the sins of the world" (1 Nephi 11:33).

On the cross, He allowed Himself to die. His body was then laid in a tomb until He was resurrected and became "the firstfruits of them that slept" (1 Corinthians 15:20). Through His death and Resurrection, He overcame physical death for us all.

Jesus Christ redeems all people from the effects of the Fall. All people who have ever lived on the earth and who ever will live on the earth will be resurrected and brought back into the presence of God to be judged (see 2 Nephi 2:5–10; Helaman 14:15–17). Through the Savior's gift of mercy and redeeming grace, we will all receive the gift of immortality and live forever in glorified, resurrected bodies.

Although we are redeemed unconditionally from the universal effects of the Fall, we are accountable for our own sins. But we can be forgiven and cleansed from the stain of sin if we "apply the atoning blood of Christ" (Mosiah 4:2). We must exercise faith in Jesus Christ, repent, be baptized for the remission of sins, and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

—See True to the Faith (2004), 14–21

Through it all

With all of the animals we have, it seems that one or two are always hurt, sick, or otherwise suffering from some ailment or other.

This the the story over the last few weeks/months:
Sky is still blind; in case you were not aware, glaucoma is not reversible. So she gets eye drops twice daily and blood pressure pill and fish oil in the evening. Being that she is only 6, we have many years to perfect our pill giving and eye dropping. One thing in Sky's credit - she is a whole lot easier to treat than Bella was when she tore her eye lid 4 years ago. Perhaps it has something to do with the 45pound dog vs. 1500 pound horse thing... Hmmm, good food for thought!

Dozer went in to the vet 2 weeks ago for a bad tummy rash. They determined that he is allergic to 'something'. Whatever that something is has yet to be determined. He was on antibiotics and benadryl three times a day for a week. The infection part of the rash is gone but he still has a rash. So Dozer gets benadryl twice daily; not that he minds daily hot dogs or cheese slices. He is up to 56.6 pounds at 2 years old. I hope he stops growing soon, but the vet said to expect another 10-15 pounds. Note to self - start working out again, specifically weight lifting!

Shigom went into the vet 4 months ago after Dozer ran into her and badly bruised her shoulder. Then Max attacked her - Yes, the horse attacked the dog! It was horrible and hences I must share my horror... I had fed Max (grain and hay) and Shigom was sneaking in the stall to eat the grain while I was brushing him. Well, he was occupied and 'Mom' was near so he was minding his manners and being the sweet 2000 pound baby I know him to be. I finished what I was doing and turned to leave. Shigom made one last attempt for a bite and Max reared up and tried to stomp on her. Luckily he missed and just knocked her over. Next thing I knew he had her in his mouth and threw her 6 feet into the air and slammed her against the barn wall. I screamed to distract Max and Shigom was yowling - a sound I have never heard before. I ran in (in hind sight that was not the smartest thing I could do but... Shigom is my sweet, sweet girl) I got Shigom out and we locked the other dogs in the unused goat pen so I could assess the damage. I fully expected a broken back, missing flesh and lots of blood. I prayed from the moment I screamed "God, please let my dog be OK, please let my dog be OK." It was the prayer of a desperate child and that is exactly how I felt. It is nothing short of a miracle and I, still today, stand all amazed - not a mark on her, no broken bones, no blood just a bruise and some swelling. Her limp went away after a few days and then of course, Dozer ran into her again (he is a bit clumsy - think of a bull dozer turning - now you know how he got his name). Now, she is limping again so she gets a pain pill once a day.

Bella punctured her inner thigh and has edema under her belly from getting struck. What happened, you ask? She stepped on a pitch fork and the the handle hit her belly and the tine of the fork punctured her thigh. So the vet came out last night to check her over. $171 later she is fine, a bit sore and getting a betadine rinse twice a day.

We vaccinated all three horses yesterday (this is when we discovered Bella's issue). We checked on them this morning and everyone was fine. Tonight, just in time for dinner, Max started having issues. He was showing neurological issues (stumbling, twitching, eyes rolling, heavy breathing). Luckily he was only having a reaction to the West Nile vaccine and not a major issue. I called our wonderful the vet yet again and we did a phone consult. With hot packs and banamine and butte he pulled out of it just fine.

Where am I headed with all of these part stories? I should have gone to vet school the way I wanted to when I was 11. I may not make any money but I sure would have saved a dollar or two! We are faced with endless crisis and endless worry and endless love for our animals. Through it all - we pray.

*****
We talked yesterday about how being too busy to ride and that perhaps we should sell the horses. We both just looked at each other for a moment to two and then burst out laughing. Knowing us, that is the most ridiculous idea I have ever come up with. Not quite as bad as moving to Alaska, but close. We have recommitted ourselves to living the life we want, kids or not. We live on a farm because we love the space and privacy. There is always something to do (chores) and we enjoy working on building our dream. These are some of the reasons I love our place. This is the land of my heart and the haven of my soul. Through it all - we pray




















Our second adoption interview was cancelled due to a baby being born and placement taking place. At first I was disappointed and heart broken to be pushed into the back seat yet again. But after a family consultation I realized that it is a wonderful thing; how could I have been so selfish as to miss it?! Someone is being reunited with their child! Somewhere two families are becoming one to raise and care for a chosen child of God.

I know our time will come and we will have our time to be that couple. We want so desperately to be parents and to raise and love a child. I hope that our Birth Mother is preparing and realizing that there is a plan for us, someday we will meet and renew a friendship that started long before these present moments. I am so humbled that adoption is a process that we are able to go through and that some way, some how, we will be chosen to be parents to a very special child. I hope our Birth Mother knows that we pray for her daily, even now when our placement is so far off and our paper work is not complete - we pray. Through it all - we pray.

Where ever you are, what ever your circumstance, we love you and will love you the best way we know how. Through it all - we pray

Changes

So many changes in the last few weeks; nothing ground breaking...

Salem, our sweet adopted kitty disappeared. We think he wandered beyond the boundary that the Guardians protect and became a kitty biscuit for the coyotes.

Ducky, our 13 year old kitty disappeared. We think the HUGE red tail hawk got her because the hawk was hanging around and Ducky never travels far. Being 13 years old, she was unable to out run a hawk.

I have to say: it is all my fault. I take full responsibility. For our adoption home study we had to provide vaccination records for each animal (no small feat when you live on a farm). As we stood in line to get the three cats vaccinated and I looked in dismay at the cost, I said the following to R: "Just watch, I am going to pay $120 for vaccinations for barn cats and in 3 weeks, they will get eaten." Sure enough, they got eaten; I will never say that again.

After 3 weeks of waiting for one or both to return home, we went to the pound to find another kitty. We still have Jasper, the spastic orange tabby given to us by Momma Sherri (R's Mom). We came home with Jake (see photo below). He is just as spastic as Jasper and since they are about the same age, they get along just fine. We are working on fattening Jake up, not for the coyotes but because he was a little on the thin side. He seems to be happy and this weekend we will allow them both to go back outside. Since Salem 'left' our rabbit population has exploded. I feel much better knowing the dog or cat ate the bunnies rather than living with guilty conscience and less ammo.

Shameless plug for our local humane society below:
We have gone to several shelters and rescues over the years but I have to say that the staff at our local Humane Society work harder than most and reap little reward. They were able to meet with us and match us to a kitty in under 30 minutes. AND they have half-price cat day (who knew?!) so Jake was only $12.50 and came with a collar, carry box and a bag of food; I think I might have paid $2.50 for the cat! We may be back in another week or two to get another kitty (3 seems to be a good number around our house).

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The babies are growing and eating more and more. They leave home next weekend. While it will be sad to see them go, I will enjoy not having to feed 3 times a day and I will actually be able to use the milk.

Our dear Phoebe left last weekend - no, no, not a coyote or hawk snack. She was purchased by the Burdick Family of Castle Rock, Colorado. She went to a show home and will be pampered.

Phoebe was our last and final tangible reminder that we lost our twins. We kept her in anticipation of having 4 mouths to feed, then we lost the twins and still had Phoebe. With her gone, I feel like we are finally turning a corner and moving forward. We had our first interview with our case worker two weeks ago and he didn't laugh at us and tell us no, so that was encouraging! We have our second interview scheduled for the end of this month and should be good to go by July.

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Babies, babies, babies!

Both Lilly and Lacey had their kids this weekend!

Lacey had twins; Midnight Lace and Chantilly Lace. Lilly had a single doeling; Dawn Lilly. We are so lucky and they are so cute.


Stout Ranch Midnight Lace




















Stout Ranch Chantilly Lace




















Stout Ranch Dawn Lilly




















We have already sold all three to a wonderful family in Sterling who will be picking them up in 4 weeks. The Dill Family has small children who want to bottle feed the babies and can't wait until school is out so they can start.

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It feels strange to be giving them up when we have spent the last 5 months bonding to them and watching them grow inside their mothers; to witness their births and feed them and cuddle them for the next 4 weeks. It will be a sad and joyous day when they go to their new homes. I have faith that they will be well cared for and that this is the right choice to make. We can't keep them and they will have a wonderful home. As small as this heartache is for us, it provides a small taste of what Birth Mothers must go through. I have so much love and respect for the Mother who will someday choose us to raise and parent her child.

He Lives

Occasionally the Church sends out new messages to spread the word. We enjoy these messages even as members; they are a great way for us to shore up our testimonies and remember why we are here and why we are doing the things that we are doing.


Watch a new Mormon Messages video, "He Lives " to see and hear modern-day Apostles testify that Jesus Christ is the Savior and that He lives today.

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Our first adoption meeting is scheduled for the end of the month. I am nervous. All of a sudden I am having insecurities pop up that I was not aware I had; What if they don't like us? What if we live too far out of town? What if... What if... I have to keep reminding myself that we are guided on this path and that we receive daily promptings that this is the path we are to follow. Our faith will sustain us. We know there is a Mother and Child out there for us and that some how, some time we will find each other.

Our baby goats are due in 2 weeks! It is getting closer and my excitement is growing. what kind of babies will we have? What will they look like and what will their personalities be?! I am so excited! (remind me that I said that when I am complaining of lack of sleep!

Downtime, Dogs and Provident Providers

We are still patiently waiting for our adoption Case Worker to make first contact with us. It has been a month and a half since we turned in the first set of paperwork and just over one month since we finished and submitted sections 2 and 3. The receptionist keeps telling me that he will be calling us soon. In the mean time, the State had yet another form for us to fill out - same information as the LDS form, only in a different format. I wonder why they have 2 forms instead of just working together and having one. Maybe it is just all part of the challenge to see if we really do want to adopt? I just sigh, and figure that one more set of paperwork is not back breaking.

We took Sky to the vet this morning. Her eyes have a weird blue glow to them and she is starting to run into things. It is very subtle and you have to be looking for it, but she is definitely having trouble seeing. The blue glow started a few months ago and we thought it was just her pupil color. Then it got bigger and her eyes were bloodshot, so I figured it was from the wind. We kept her inside and used soothing drops on her eyes. Then this weekend, Mom came out and I asked her what she thought. We watched Sky carefully, with 5 dogs running around it was hard, and sure enough, she was having trouble seeing... The vet is sending us to a specialist tonight to run some tests and provide a diagnosis. We are fairly certain that she is almost completely blind. She may be able to see shadows, but not much. We will know more tonight. We are so grateful for the great vets we have for our animals and for their expertise. I have faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to; I just hope that coincides with what I want!

Due to the stress from that and lack of enthusiasm in general, I took today off. It is nice to be home working on adoption stuff, relaxing, and making cinnamon rolls. I wish it was about 20 degrees warmer!

The Church sent this video, Becoming Provident Providers, out about a week or so ago to help us all learn principles of avoiding debt, discerning between needs and wants, and living close to God in order to be provident providers both spiritually and temporally. We feel compelled to share this message with you. It is our sincere hope that we can all work towards self sufficiency, being debt free and becoming provident providers.



***Update on Sky*** She has glaucoma in both eyes and is mostly (98%) blind. She can differentiate some light from dark and at times can see some shadows. We have her on eye drops to keep the pressure in her eyes down, blood pressure pills to regulate blood flow to the optic nerve and fish oil to help regenerate the nerve. She will never see again, but with continued therapy and care, she will live a long life and will, we hope, get to see more shadows to help navigate. She will be going back to the vet on April 20th to check her progress on this medley of drugs; fingers crossed and prayers said; it will be good news! - Side bar - She loves the canned dog food that is used to disguise the pill and fish oil; she is also enjoying extra attention and pampering. Shigom is a bit jealous and Dozer is not smart enough to know what is going on!

Patience is a virtue

What a week! We went from the high 60s to the 20s over the span of a couple of days. I can tell; spring is on the way. The horses are starting to shed - it will be a very hairy spring around the Stout Ranch. We have one month left until kidding season; we bred both does and have bets going to see how many of what we will get. Robert is betting (hoping really) for 2 bucklings. That way we can take them to auction and our herd will not increase! I am betting (hoping really) for 3 babies; 2 doelings and one buckling. I would like to have more options for the does we keep. At this point there are too many variables to guess and making plans seems like a waste of time and energy. We will find out on April 24th! We are still having to be patient - since we have been waiting since November, I think we are doing splendidly!

We planted our seeds for the garden two weeks ago. We start them indoors during early March when it is too cold to put them outside. They will continue to grow in pots on the breakfast table until mid-May when it will be warm enough to put them outside. It is so fun to watch them pop up; small and fragile, struggling towards the light. In mere days they are 2-3 inches tall with big beautiful leaves. Last year, not knowing what I was doings, I over planted on some things and under planted on others. This year, I have a nice variety of everything and if all goes well with the hail and wind, we should have a nice harvest!

I was sitting here watching my seeds and thinking that they could be compared to the parable of the mustard seed and our struggle to increase our faith and share the Gospel. But as I sit here watching these tiny seeds that I planted a few short weeks ago struggle to live and grow I am reminded of our personal seeds and our personal struggles; how we can help each other's seeds to grow and thrive just by being more tolerant and understanding. We each face different struggles as couples and as individuals. We, each of us, has within us a tiny seed that struggles to live and grow and thrive. I don't know your struggles, just as you don't know mine. I also don't know the struggles of the rude man in the grocery line or the lady that cut me off on the freeway. But when I take the time to remember that we each have our own private impurities, challenges and struggles, it makes the small offences of another seem even smaller. How much easier is it then to forgive and uplift each other?!

Empathy by Kelly Miller

When empathy is learned
Our heart to another is turned
As births buds of charity
That we can comfort with clarity

From our own pain we see
And feel with deepened depth
Such that it is the seed
Of love's flower we'll not forget

It seems that all is moving very slowly on the adoption front. We turned in packet 3 almost one month ago and so far, not a word from the Case Worker or even the support staff. I suppose they are very busy and I like to imagine them working fervently on our paperwork round the clock! The reality is that there are several couples in line ahead of us and we will be learning the virtue of patience. Patience will become a dear friend by the time this is all said and done, I just hope I have enough patience to enjoy the ride.

We were talking about the process the other night and we realized (again) that it doesn't really matter how long it takes, our dear child and his/her Mother will be ready and waiting for us when the time is right. We keep having this same epiphany each time we start to get worked up about it. This is our constant struggle, our thought to keep in perspective, our seed that needs to be nurtured...

The Refiner of Silver

This journey of grief and healing is a private journey; a mountain that I must climb to find true healing and acceptance. Strange as it may sound, I find comfort in knowing that the hill is mine, and only mine to climb. I get to do it at my pace, however I see fit.

Some days I walk through a sunlit forest path. The walking is easy and my burden is light. I know I have traveled far but I am not weary from the journey. The sun warms my skin and the shade cools my brow. I am comforted in knowing that we will see our dear babies again someday; I find sweet joy in the confidence that somewhere out there, our next baby awaits his or her turn to come into our arms, that his or her mother is making choices that will allow that to happen.


On other days I stand surrounded by the mists of despair and look up to the top of the mountain; the things I have yet to feel and overcome; the path that must be followed to be able to embrace our awaiting child with open arms and hearts, and the path seems too much to bear. I feel unworthy and unable to continue. It is these times that I try to remember a few things.



1. The Spirit has guided us to this path toward adoption. We feel the Spirit prompting us each step of the way.

2. He holds us in the palm of his hand, we are not forgotten. He is aware of each thought, each hope and each second of despair. He knows me perfectly and He loves me perfectly. I feel His concern and awareness of me on such an intimate level.

3. Elder Maxwell said it best: "To go to the very edge is possible, of course, only when we believe in an omniscient and omnipotent God. When we understand that all things are present before His eyes and that He knows all things past, present, and future, then we can trust ourselves to Him as we clearly could not to a less than omniscient god who is off somewhere in the firmament doing further research."


Our Missionaries came for dinner last week and Elder Horner shared the following story.
The Refiner of Silver

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire.

If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my reflection in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His reflection in you.