Healing and progressing

We have a had a busy few weeks! I was gearing up to have a barrage of medical check-ups and go back to work and R has been trying to keep a leash on me! So, here is the latest update...

We went to see the surgeon last Friday. Of course there was the waiting room with oldies playing and all of the 'pain update' paperwork to fill out. They want to know all kinds of things like, how long can you sit in a chair before you start hurting, how long can you stand, drive, read, etc. They also check on the status of your personal care i.e. do you need help dressing, doing your hair, makeup, shoes. I laughed out loud because I haven't done my hair since the beginning of December and haven't worn makeup since November! On those two questions I put a big question mark and smiling face. ? :-)

Anyhow, when I finally got in to see him we chatted about how I am feeling and the activities I have been participating in. I haven't been doing much so it was a short conversation! He pulled out the two x-rays and studied them for a moment. He said "Huh..." Meanwhile I am sitting in a chair behind him freaking out! Huh... Huh? Huh, what? Huh, good or huh, bad? ACK! Finally he turns around and says "I am stumped." Being out of patience, I said 'Ok, Doctor B. You said 'huh...' and now you are stumped, which is great but it is my neck holding my head up, so spill it!' He said 'Hop up here on the table and I'll tell you while I check it out.'

I did as he requested and he proceeded to tell me that it appears that the front of the fusion, you remember, the one from last June, is starting to fuse. What?! Yes, starting to fuse after 10 months of no bone growth at all. He said "I have never seen anything like it. It is unheard of for a fusion that old to start healing. I can't explain it." I smiled! I can explain it - I got a blessing, many blessings actually, that are predicated on my faith, of which I have an abundance. I was instructed to study and learn the lessons that I need to learn from this experience and I have been doing so. - I should apologize for not sharing any more of my lessons, but they suddenly became very personal and precious. Being such, they were inappropriate for me to share on such a public forum. - So, great news; I am healing!

My incision goes from my hairline strait down about 4 inches and across the base of my neck/shoulders about 4 inches (like a big T). Then there is a hole the size of a pencil eraser, which is now closed, about 4 inches to the left of the base of the T. It is bright pink, as with most newly forming scars. I believe it will be a while before I am comfortable wearing my hair up in public.

I asked about work and he said no, not just no, but emphatically no! I am only 4-5 weeks out of surgery and I need to be 8-12 before the bones have healed enough to start being really active again. So, 6 more weeks. He wants a CAT Scan at that point and those results will enable him to better determine how fast I can increase my activities.

Check out my metal!



The original plate and 4 screws are in the middle, each side has a clamp, rod and 2 additional screws.
R likes to say I am much like a walking hardware store!
Yes - I did notice that they are crooked - but if you know me, you will know it is fitting!

Ready for even more great news?! I saw the vocal cord doc on Monday and he said that my vocal cords are 100% physically healed! Woohoo! Here is the only bad news of the entire situation over the last week... I saw the speech therapist for a check up and a battery of tests. I didn't pass so she wants to keep seeing me. We need to work on a few things and in time, I should be 100%. So bad news but not terrible! Part of my homework is to read out loud for 10-15 minutes each day. Today, Dozer and I lazed in bed and read a Nora Roberts book. Dozer loved it, he is such a romantic! Perhaps it was the tummy scratching, but I choose to believe he likes romance... I have been reading a lot, not just romance, but a nice variety of books. If you have any suggestions, let me know - I am always looking for new reads!!

I have also been doing some embroidery. I gifted a cute little heart to my Mom, now am working on a fantastic little piggy banner. I didn't take a photo of the first one but I will take a photo of the piggies when it is done!

JoAnn's had a sale a few weeks ago and R took me down to browse. I picked out a pretty skirt pattern and he picked out some really nice tan fabric with embroidered fabric. May I just say that he has some very expensive taste?! I am too scared to even take it out of the bag to wash it! I imagine I will be doing just that over the next few days since I need to have it done by April and I haven't sewn anything in years. I did get the machine out and it works well. I've been practicing on a pillowcase doll that I made for, Jasmine, R's little sister's baptism in May. When I get that done, I will post a photo! I want to wear the skirt to Mom's Easter singing program. They started practicing last weekend; there are 160 people in the choir and they sing like angels! I am still hoping to get some photos and a video when they perform. I would really like to make a new outfit for Jasmine's baptism in May. The question is - skirt or dress? plain or floral? Bright or subdued?

We joined Facebook last August; the peer pressure was too great to resist! It is a neat tool for keeping in touch but I still find it odd how some people use it like a journal. There are some things that you should not share with hundreds of people... We share, but as on here, we are very selective in what we share. It is fascinating none the less!

We have had a few 'almost' adoption situations over the past month - 4 to be exact. As frustrating as it can be, we are still trying to be patient and calm. Everything in God's time, not mine. Our Birth parents are out there and we will be reunited at some point. We have been chosen and then rejected, almost chosen and had an opportunity slip through our fingers due to technicalities. Through it all, we know that all of these things have happened for the same reason - it was not meant to be. Those situations were never meant to be ours. We continue to serve through Colorado FSA and I actually got to write a blog post on February 15th!

And we made it home...

Oh gosh, so much has happened in the last week I hardly know where to start!

Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you read you begin with A-B-C
When you sing you begin with do-re-mi

The beginning. We finished our chores last Thursday and then did all of the extra things to prepare the farm for us to leave for a week. Yes, we went on vacation; our second in 13 years. That is actually misleading - we have gone on lots of vacations but all were to visit family or go back and help Mom and Dad with the ranch. Somehow digging a foundation under an already built house and hanging siding doesn't really count as vacation - but those are different stories for another time. This was a vacation - a real vacation - no family visiting or chores required!

My Uncle (Mom's Little Brother)- Gary pictured here...

has a fabulous vacation in Scottsdale, Arizona. We are talking 3 bedroom, pool, misting system, big screen... Paradise. We went for a week in February 2007 (before the Ranch) and it became our favorite place to go for rest and relaxation. Anyhow, Gary was gracious enough to allow us to use the house again, free of charge for a week.

R and I had this summary of a conversation on Thursday night. Me: What time do you want to leave in the morning? R: 5, I'll set the alarm for 4. Me: Are you nuts?! We are on vacation and you want to get up at our normal time set the alarm and I will get up. You can drive first! R: OK.

Fast forward to 2:00 on Friday morning. I wake up with excruciating pain in my ankles. It literally feels like some one is stabbing my ankles with a knife. Mind you - I quit taking the steroids on Tuesday. I tapered off like I was supposed to, but instead of tapering off over 1 week and quitting, I did 2 days and quit. Who knew? OK, so the doctor probably knew, but I didn't.

So, I am awake, groaning in pain on the couch in the living room, trying to be quiet so we can leave in 3 hours. R woke up and came in - we decided a hot pad might help and the couch was making my neck hurt. More pain pills and back to bed. 3:30 I am up in the living room again, but on the floor this time. The alarm goes off at 4.

I can hear it and know the following is going on: R wakes up, thinks - crud, she was right, this is too early! 'Honey, turn it off and we will leave later. You were right.... Honey? Honey!' He turns off the alarm and finds me on the floor in the living room. You must realize that the pain is nerve pain, so rubbing stimulates the nerves, which cannot feel 2 sensations at once. So the rubbing my ankles blocks the stabbing pain and makes it feel better. I hobble into bed and we sleep until 6. At 6, he rubs my ankles again and we say our morning prayer. The pain leaves about 5 minutes after our prayer and we are on the road by 7.

I called the doctor when they opened and asked about the pain. Doc confirms it is nerve pain and I am probably over the worst. Probably - there is a comforting word... We say another prayer that 'probably' means 'absolutely' and continue on the drive.

We arrive in Scottsdale around 10pm, shower and fall into bed.

We spent Saturday - Tuesday afternoon at the house. We swam, slept, ate, watched TV, slept, swam, relaxed, talked, laughed and just plain enjoyed each other and the house. We are so blessed to have been married for 13 years, still in love and still enjoying each others company and humor.

We also went to IKEA. I love IKEA! We got everything on our list. Nothing super exciting for normal folks, but for us... Wonderful. New knives, pots and pans, silverware, pot holders, candles and candle holders, living room lights, lazy Susan, colander, picture for the master bath, duvet covers (one for winter and one for summer - now we have 4 choices! YAY!), a throw pillow and of course another cook book! Ah, heaven!

We also found all of the furniture we want for the nursery - I found everything for under $1,000! And it matches and it is new! I am so excited for the day that we can go back to IKEA and come home with a crib!

We left Tuesday morning and drove up the the Grand Canyon. We hiked and took photos, stayed the night and drove home Wednesday via the back way (over the Rockies). We went from 105* to 48* all in one day. It was funny, we stopped for dinner in Gennese and I had on shorts and a light shirt with flip-flops... It was raining and cold! I felt like a tourist! People kept looking at me oddly until they saw the truck and Colorado plates - then it registered - flat lander!

We got home about 8 and were able to visit with Mom. Yep, she was nice enough to watch the house and ranch for us while we played in Arizona. She fed, milked and watched out for everything. We are so grateful, I cannot express how much. You cannot know the feeling of leaving home and knowing that everything will be taken care of, that your possessions, animals and memories are in good hands and will be safe (it is possible that she spoils everyone more than we do). I am so glad that she was willing and able to stay at our place and keep track of all of our critters. With out her, we would not have been able to even go!

We spent today running errands, playing with horses, burning brush and relaxing. Tomorrow is the CORE training at LDS FS in Aurora and we will be approved for adoption! More on that later.

Saturday is hay day. Yay! *sigh* We should be getting about 100 bales to fill the barn but alas, I am still on my 10 pound restriction, so other than moral support, I cannot help load or unload. I hate being useless and not able to pull my fair share. Maybe I'll make a cake or something for R to make up for not being able to help.

We have been trading milk for eggs. Each week a neighbor (they live in Eaton) drives up and gets 2 gallons, in exchange, they give me 2 dozen eggs! If you have never had farm fresh eggs, please look on craigslist and find someone that sells them (usually about 2-3 dollars per dozen). Buy a dozen and if you are not hooked and in love, let me know and I will send you 3$! I turned to R and said: think of something that I can make for you to make up for not being able to help with hay. R; *wiggles eye brows* we have fresh eggs.. Me: yep. 2 dozen, she dropped them off today. R: enough for quiche? Me: *laughing* yes, I suppose so. R: Sweet! Problem solved and guilt gone! Yay! One of these days, our website will be up and I will share the quiche recipe!

The 'Specialist'

Sounds like the title to a bad horror flick! I went into see the 'Specialist' this morning. He was a very pleasant fellow who stuck a tube (with camera) up my nose and down my throat to take a look-see. I have had a great many medical procedures in my day but none quite as disturbing as looking at the inside of my nose... GROSS! Nobody should ever be subject to that, and it isn't like they give you notice to blow and clean up a bit - they just spray the numbing medicine and whip out the tube!

Long story short - I have right side vocal cord paralysis from my gentle surgeon mashing my delicate neck back and forth. Doc says my voice should come back in 1-3 months and until that time, I will have the great pleasure of choking on my food and water and sounding like Mickey Mouse. They are ordering speech and swallow therapy to help me get through the next 2 months and I follow up the beginning of August.

I hope, hope, hope it doesn't really take that long. I mean, I can't talk! I can't holler, I can't yell. Do you know how hard it is to scold a dog while not laughing because I sound like a pissy Mickey?! It is really ruining my reputation around the house.

One more thing - the sensation that I am being choked - the pressure... he said it will take another 2 weeks for that to go away and it is just from surgery. I suppose of the two issues, this bothers me the most because it is anxiety forming. 2 weeks - I can do anything for 2 weeks.

******

7/1/10 - update! Went to the doctor yesterday and was told that I have 2 more weeks off. They don't want me going back to work until the breathing is better and swelling has gone down. So at this point, I am crossing my fingers for a return to work on 7/19.

*****

We are so excited to hear that our dear friends M&M are going to be able to take their little Ben to the temple soon. What a wonderful blessing. I was thinking the other day, after reading her post - people who have children naturally do not get this extra opportunity in the House of the Lord. Just another one of the many, many reasons adoption is such a special path to follow.

We look forward to meeting our Birth Mother than will allow us to take our child to the temple to be sealed for eternity. Where ever you are, what ever you are doing, please know that we are praying for you and thinking about you on a daily basis. Some way and some how we will find each other and your gift will complete our family.

*****

Wait... What did you say?!

I have been told many things, called many names, had many a comment made on my appearance over the years but never quite like the one I had today. I am not sure how I feel about it, it is true but that does not mean it is pleasant - I feel like the ugly duckling that just found out: 'nope, you are just an ugly duck.'

You must understand the surgery that I just had in order to appreciate the situation today. I had a severely herniated disc (between C6 & C7 for those of you that know what that means), at the base of my neck and shoulders for those of you who understand normal speak. The disc was pushing on the C7 nerve root and causing stenosis (narrowing) of my spinal column. Basically, I have been in constant pain and on numerous medications since the beginning of March when I fell at work. Yes, at work, on ice, in Colorado - go figure.

I underwent surgery on Friday afternoon to remove the disc, put in a bone graft then plate and screw it all together. I was kept in the hospital extra long (instead of a discharge Friday night like I hoped - I had to beg to get out on Sunday night)because I was having swallowing difficulties and could not breathe normally.

The surgeon tapered off the steroids, which were helping me breathe through the swelling and they ended last night. Today, I am hanging around the house, having trouble breathing like everyday since Sunday and the Work Comp Nurse called again to check in. She has been calling since Monday, but she has been calling my work cell, which is muted on the counter so I have not been answering. Anyhow, I decided to try her again this afternoon just to check in and see if there was something else I should be doing. As we started to talk, she asked about my voice since I sound like Mickey Mouse and my breathing which was labored (duh, the steroids ran out). She completely freaked out, told me to call the doctor immediately or go to the emergency room and hung up. I started to cry, which makes it harder to breathe - I mean, I am at home, 30 minutes from anywhere with no neighbors and no way to get to the doctor as quickly as she was telling me to. I called my better half and Mom. Mom had been talking to me all afternoon via email and knew I was not feeling well, particularly today and we were trying to figure out what was going on. She was also one hour ahead of him, so she was the ride I needed. He would meet us at the Doctor.

The Doctor looked me over, checked oxygen levels, pulse, respiration and such and said - 'You are having trouble breathing and swallowing because you have a lot of trauma in your neck from the intubation and surgery.' (Yep, doc - knew that already). Then came 'You have a short, fat neck, basically no-neck. So the swelling has no place to go, it is staying in your throat and moving into your face and chest.' OK! Now we are getting someplace - solution is to go back on steroids. Sounds great! Then it hits me; she just said I have a short fat neck - not the long luxurious neck of a swan that I have always envisioned?! Maybe I heard wrong. I asked - I heard it right 'short and fat, basically no-neck'. Interesting food for thought. This piece of honest truth is causing me to re-evaluate my entire self image. I guess tall, slender, elegant don't fit into this Stout's genes.

We went to the pharmacy, picked up some groceries and came back home. I am also instructed to sleep in my lazy boy instead of my super comfy California king bed - always the good with the bad. The Doctor was very firm that I not be left alone tomorrow because my swelling is severe enough that I may need to go to the emergency room. R is on a short day so Mom will be with me while he is gone. I am trying to find something fun to do tomorrow - a short drive, quick shopping trip. I'll probably wind up sitting on the porch watching my better half ride my mower and pout.

*****
I asked and was given a priesthood blessing. While the content is private and holy, I will say that my faith has been renewed and refreshed. I am not one to often ask for a blessing; most of the time just knowing that the option is available provides enough sustenance to get me through. I cannot explain the comfort, peace, joy and renewal that comes from having a worthy priesthood holder, also my dear husband of 13 years, place his hands on my head to pronounce a blessing. I am so blessed - even with my short, fat neck.

The road we travel

I have been home since Sunday night and the reality of the surgery didn't start to hit me until today. My neck and back pain is gone and has been replaced by a plate and 2 screws! My pain has also been temporarily replaced by foggy drug brain and choking but the pain is less, no more tingling fingers.

Overall, surgery went well and I am glad to be home. I was released 2 days later than originally anticipated and had some unforeseen complications. When the doctor came in on Sunday and told me they were going to keep me until Monday, I revolted! No way! I am done, I am leaving, just tell me what I need to do and I will do it... After a hard push on Sunday and a battery of tests, some pleading and begging on my part, I was released late in the day and able to come sleep in my own house with my animals and the smell of fresh healing country air. I am happy to be home and be back to living my life on my schedule and according to my timeline. It was hard to be gone from home for 2 extra days, extra unplanned days! My Family came to bat with the chores and endless things that needed to be done while I was out.

I started taking over some of my chores today, mainly the milking. I hadn't realized how much I enjoy the time outside, doing things around the house and for the animals. I also didn't realize how many chores there are! We are taking it slowly but are making it work. I am getting up a bit more each day, but like I said, taking it slowly. I have a new pain in the back of my neck, not sure what it is related to but trying not to aggravate it. I figure it must be part of the healing process. I'll take it easier tomorrow and maybe, just maybe I can talk the man into treating me to a short drive to town.

My time in the hospital gave me ample time to reflect on the many blessings I have. On the many ways Heavenly Father has prepared me to be in here, in this position at this time. The way that all of our small travels have gotten us down this road to recovery; not only physical but spiritual and emotional as well. We have come to know in our heart of hearts that we are blessed, blessed to be together and blessed to be living where and how we do. I am over taken by tears when I think of each individual trial, all of our losses and successes that have brought us here. We are on the correct path and only need to follow the road to the end. Endure, that is the final part of the puzzle. Who knew one word could hold so much power...

*****
Adoption:
We had our home visit today. Kelly, our case worker, came by to take a look around the place and chat with us a bit. I had not realized how stressed out I was about having someone come into my home and judge me. I know he isn't 'judging' me per-se and he has done tons of these visits but I wonder what specifically catches his eye and what specifically does he take note of. I wonder what crossed his mind when he realized that he was in the middle of nowhere but not far from town. I know without a doubt that Kelly is called of God to be a Case Worker and that he has been blessed with powers of observation to help make Heavenly Father's families reunite.

I wonder; does he have a sense of the match that will be made? Does he know in some part of his being what type of Birth Family will be attracted to each couple? I wonder how much his job weighs on his mind and how he copes with the excitement and release on a regular basis. We are blessed to be working with Kelly and are grateful for his expertise.

It is funny, we didn't frantically clean or put things away. After just coming home from the hospital the place was a bit rough around the edges compared to how it might normally be, but this is reality! I am glad Kelly was able to look past the cluttered counters and hopefully see the Family we are trying to build. We feel blessed to have met and be working with Kelly. He is an inspiring spirit and a fountain of wisdom. We are humbled that he even considers us worthy to take part in an adoption.

It seems as though we are surrounded by people who just delivered, are pregnant, have just received their placement or will be adopting in the next 2 months. I am thrilled for all of them and wish them the best. It is truly exciting to see so many families being started and completed through this miracle of adoption and at the hand of Heavenly Father and Kelly. We will continue to have faith that Heavenly Father will bless us with our child at the right time and when we are sufficiently prepared. I have faith - I must have faith, for without faith, there can be no hope.

*****
Website:
We have gotten some questions about our website that I thought I would share. Our website is coming along, although not quite on the timeline we expected. Somehow that doesn't surprise me or bother me. It seems as though nothing in our lives travel the anticipated time lines we have set.

Our website will encompass many areas, only one of which is adoption. We already have our blog and very soon will have our profile posted on the LDSFS website. We want Birth Mothers to know as much about us as possible and what a better way then a few pages on a website?! Yes, our profile will be up on LDSFS but we are limited in how much we can share and it can be overwhelming to view so many profiles and blogs while contemplating adoption.

We talk about adoption in our blog but our blog is mainly to share the goings on in our daily lives with friends and family who live far away and want to know about our latest adventure - it also saves me a ton of time in email! The Adoption portion of the website will only be geared towards sharing about us, our lives and families as a Birth Mother would like to know. Don't get me wrong, I want to get our names and information out there so our Mother will be able to find us but we are also private people and like to keep things of our lives private. I cannot imagine handing out business cards and putting magnets on my truck advertising our adoption intent. Dearest Birth Mother, where ever you are, I hope and pray that we will meet soon!

Secondly, we live on a ranch and have Purebred goats that we sell each year. Our website will assist us in selling these animals and will open new opportunities for breeding that may not otherwise be available. Gunner is a stud colt who may or may not remain intact. If we choose not to geld him, we will use the website to promote his stud services.

We also have a "Country Life' Section (this might be the part that I am most excited about!). It will cover gardening, food storage, self sufficiency, our animals, crafts, sewing, recipes, cooking, photography and just general suggestions shared from us and our readers to help teach skills and crafts that will enable one to engage in a self sufficient life and making the most of what you have. We are excited to have this portion of the website dedicated to a lifestyle that we are coming to embrace and so many others want to share.

Surgery... again?!

I took a bad fall back in March and wound up with a badly herniated disc and moderately severe stenosis of the C7 nerve root and spinal cord. In English, I fell and hurt my neck, badly. The pressure from the herniated disc is pushing on the nerves that control my left shoulder, arm and hand. It is also pushing on the spinal cord. They did a grip test, 95 pounds of pressure in my right hand (average for women if 78 - I am super woman!) 35 pounds of pressure in my left hand (average for women is 68 - I am wimpy). I have muscle weakness in my arms also - I dropped the cat. They tried the grip test again after traction and I had 95 and 65, so improved but not nearly as much as they expected. Based on my right arm, they would expect my left to be somewhere around 87ish. We have tried physical therapy, chiropractic, traction, modified duty and massage to no avail. Drat! On the plus side, I lost 3 more pounds from stress and being on pain killers. Silver lining people - we always need to look for the silver lining!

So tomorrow midday, I will be going to Medical Center of the Rockies and will be having a fusion of the C6/C7 vertebrae tomorrow. I have done my research on what and how they will do what they do, but it is still a new surgery involving nerves and other such delicate body parts that I would rather not have a doctor poking and prodding.

We are not sure at this point if I will be required to stay over night, we are hoping that I will be released to spend the night at home. I am grounded at home for the next two weeks. If you have any great suggestions on movies, books, crafts or TV shows I can watch online, please, please let me know! We will keep you posted on progress and prognosis as we can.

*****

I ran across this blog http://www.gulleygreenhouse.blogspot.com/ when they sent their new weekly email. I know some of you are out of the area, but their blog is totally worth a look-see. They have a great recipes, gardening tips and craft ideas. I love the idea they posted today 'Pounded Flower Prints' and want to try it this week with Mom and Makaela!

*****

Our adoption interview is back on and scheduled for Tuesday. Luckily they decided to do the home visit because we live so far away, but it also works well for me because I can't leave the house! We have a bit more paperwork to do and a lot of interviewing, but we are back on track and hopeful that July 9th is still the 'go live' date for us.